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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be disappointed in my mother?

79 replies

bofski14 · 12/11/2013 15:45

I'm due to have my first baby and my mothers first grandchild in the next two weeks. This Christmas will be special as it's the baby's first Xmas and also the first Xmas that me and my partner will be having in our first home together. I have said all along that we won't be going around visiting on Xmas day but that everyone is welcome to visit us and stay as long as they like and we will do food etc Mine and DPs family all live within a two mile radius and they all have transport. The only person not welcome is my mothers new husband because he has been verbally and physically abusive to my autistic brother (see my AIBU thread for full story). My mother has today announced that she won't be visiting any of us on Xmas day (my brother lives on his own, next street down so will be spending the day at my house). She said "I've got to spend time with my husband. The baby will be asleep anyway and won't know its Christmas. I've got things to do." She is having her husbands sister for dinner but that's it. I asked if she could just spare an hour to see us. She said it's not fair to run her husband around on Xmas day. I offered to pick her up and she eventually said she would come for half an hour, probably. I've been really upset since she left. What should I do? Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:

MrsGarlic · 12/11/2013 16:03

I have to admit I would be a bit hurt, but on the other hand, she might feel she should stay with her husband and his sister and that seems fair enough. I'm not saying you're wrong to ban her husband (I don't know the ins and outs of that) but you have, and so she might feel she doesn't want to leave him on Christmas day.

tiredandtiredandtired · 12/11/2013 16:03

YANBU. Your mum is being a twat. She will hardly be running her dick head husband around all day by doing a 5 minute car journey to yours. It's v sad she is choosing him over her family, especially a new grandchild

lizzzyyliveson · 12/11/2013 16:32

Who is losing out though? You will have your lovely snuggly baby and she will have her grumpy husband. I bet she pops round on the day for a quick sniff of the baby's head hello.

Hermione123 · 12/11/2013 16:32

Your mum is being silly but this can't be the first time she's been unfair, try and ignore it. What's the value of her coming and acting up? Focus on the rest of your family not the bad stuff.

Tryharder · 12/11/2013 16:37

I see why you're disappointed but your mum - rightly or wrongly - will want to spend Xmas with her new DH.

Whether or not, SIBU to stay with an abusive man is, as you say, another thread.

I would have a lovely Xmas with your DP and new baby and forget the others.

FestiveEdition · 12/11/2013 16:48

I am a Grandmother.......and your mother is an idiot.
On several counts if I have fully understood your post, but certainly for being silly enough to think that a grown man cannot be left alone for an hour while she sees her new GC at Christmas.

I am sure she feels that she is being pulled in two directions, and suspect her H is applying pressure but she should be smart enough to realise you are YANBU, If she isn;lt...then really you need to let her stew in her own juice,
The only (sad) consolation is that one day she is likely to wake up and realise that putting a man before her children was a big mistake.

OP
Have a wonderful Christmas, with your new little family.

maddy68 · 12/11/2013 16:48

I can see both sides here. Tbf you have said the husband isn't welcome so your mum will feel obliged to stay with him. If he's not welcome in your house then why should he run your mum round to you?

She also has an obligation to her her guest. I bet your mum really does want to be with you on the day but she is stuck

Shellywelly1973 · 12/11/2013 16:53

Yanbu...

Leave her to spend the day how she wishes.

She's choosing to spend the day with a person who is verbally aggressive to your autistic brother. They soundlikea lovely couple!

IAlwaysThought · 12/11/2013 16:56

I know it's easier said than done but I would try not to worry about it. It is just a day . I would let your Mum do what she wants and not try and pander to her. It sounds like she enjoys a bit of emotional blackmail. I would have said that you were sorry she couldn't make it and perhaps you could suggest getting together another day. I would also tell her that she is welcome to come if she changes her mind.

Original poster

bofski14 · 12/11/2013 17:02

I understand that she wants to see her husband, but an hour with her children and her first grandchild wouldn't cut into her time too much. I feel like I'm spoiling her day which is actually really sad. Even if she does come now, it's like I've had to force her into it. The banning of her husband is not a new thing. Last Christmas was the same situation (if anything worse as it was all more raw then). She came up last Christmas, got dropped off by him while he went to see his daughter who lives 5 mins from me. She stayed for a while, we swapped presents and then when he'd finished seeing his daughter, he picked mam up and she left and had dinner in her house. But this year, I get nothing. Just such a shame. Thanks all for your advice. I feel much better.

OP posts:

FestiveEdition · 12/11/2013 17:15

You are not spoiling her day, OP.
She is making the choice.
Don't own guilt for her choices.

claig · 12/11/2013 17:42

bofski, I think YABU

Your mum doesn't want to leave her husband because he will feel left out. It's a difficult situation because he has been banned. She would love to come any other time, but she probably feels she will be letting him down if she does come.

She will be able too see the grandchild another time, and also being with all the rest of the family will just emphasise the ostracisation of her husband so that will make her feel worse.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 17:46

Your mother has made it clear that she has chosen her racist, homophobic, violent bully of a husband over you.

I am afraid that there is nothing you can do but accept and dont contact her again. I am not saying that you should go totally NC but wait until she contacts you, as the constant rejection that you and your brother get will get more and more wearing.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 17:47

Claig

You really need to read the OPs other thread. This man is a complete bastard.

claig · 12/11/2013 17:50

Yes, Bogeyface, from your last post he doesn't sound nice and I haven't read the other thread. But I can still understand bofski's mum because she has chosen to live with him and she will feel like she is participating in some kind of ostracisation of him and she wants to show him that she supports him.

It is a very awkward situation all round, and as you say he probably is a nasty piece of work as well.

reelingintheyears · 12/11/2013 17:50

Why are you bothered, she has shown you who she wants to be with, a homophobic, nasty, abusive bully.

Tell her to go fuck.

claig · 12/11/2013 17:54

bofski is bothered because christmas is a big family event and there is the new baby. But bofski's mum will see the baby and the rest of the family on other days, so I think it is best to let it go and let her stay with her husband on that one day.

bofski shouldn't be upset about it because it doesn't mean that her mum doesn't want to see her, the family and the baby, it is just that she is in an awkward position.

reelingintheyears · 12/11/2013 17:58

Nope, I read her other thread and some things can't be undone, I would seriously chuck my Mother if she had allowed anyone to speak to my Brother like that, I understand her Brother is also Autistic.

You make your choices, my choice would be my Brother in that situation.

No awkwardness at all, just don't bother me again.

Sounds hard but I would do just that, some people you really don't need.

Original poster

bofski14 · 12/11/2013 20:16

I maybe should have explained the situation a little better about why I don't like her husband. On Xmas day, there will be just me, my partner and baby, and my brother here so it's not as if it's going to be a huge family event and her husband is out in the cold. I really only am expecting an hour or so, not the whole day and dinner and everything. Just a little visit. I feel as if she's punishing me for not wanting a relationship with her husband. But I can't. I have tried to build bridges because I didn't want my mother to be upset but it didn't work. I feel like she's doing this to hurt me.

OP posts:

claig · 12/11/2013 20:26

bofski, does she see you other times and is she OK then?

Original poster

bofski14 · 12/11/2013 20:32

She sees me once a week. It has progressively become less and less has time has gone on. She stays for about an hour and her husband picks her up at their pre-arranged time. She always makes little digs but today really threw me for a loop. I had a little party for bonfire night and she didn't come saying she wanted to go out with him instead - fair enough, I didn't make a fuss. But she was home from their fireworks display by 7:15 so we offered to pick her up but she said it wasn't fair if he couldn't come too. I maybe should have seen this coming.

OP posts:

claig · 12/11/2013 20:43

bofski14, you have to see it from her point of view. On big occasions, she can't leave him on his own because it is as if she is abandoning him and condoning that he has been ostracised. She feels sorry for him and so she has to support him. She would prefer that everyone was friendly again, but she still sees you other times and he still picks her up and drops her off, but on big occasions, she feels she has to show support for him.

It is nothing against you, it is just done for him.

claig · 12/11/2013 20:47

Imagine if your DH was banned from a family gathering on a major day like Christmas. Woukd you leave him and go to the family gathering on that day?

Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 20:48

On big occasions, she can't leave him on his own because it is as if she is abandoning him and condoning that he has been ostracised

The man threw out his stepson and she let him.

He hasnt been ostracised, he ostracised himself!

He is an utter shit and there is other point of view. This stupid woman has chosen to put the man who physically and verbally abused her son, above her family. I wouldnt even have invited her to be quite honest.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 20:49

Claig I would imagine that if the OPs DH has abused their son and then threw him out she wouldnt be with him anyway.

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