Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disappointed in my mother?

79 replies

bofski14 · 12/11/2013 15:45

I'm due to have my first baby and my mothers first grandchild in the next two weeks. This Christmas will be special as it's the baby's first Xmas and also the first Xmas that me and my partner will be having in our first home together. I have said all along that we won't be going around visiting on Xmas day but that everyone is welcome to visit us and stay as long as they like and we will do food etc Mine and DPs family all live within a two mile radius and they all have transport. The only person not welcome is my mothers new husband because he has been verbally and physically abusive to my autistic brother (see my AIBU thread for full story). My mother has today announced that she won't be visiting any of us on Xmas day (my brother lives on his own, next street down so will be spending the day at my house). She said "I've got to spend time with my husband. The baby will be asleep anyway and won't know its Christmas. I've got things to do." She is having her husbands sister for dinner but that's it. I asked if she could just spare an hour to see us. She said it's not fair to run her husband around on Xmas day. I offered to pick her up and she eventually said she would come for half an hour, probably. I've been really upset since she left. What should I do? Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
claig · 12/11/2013 20:50

It's almost like going to someone else's New Year's Eve Party and leaving your DH on his own because he has been banned. You can't do it.

claig · 12/11/2013 20:51

I don't know what happened, but the fact remains that she is still with him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/11/2013 20:56

Saw the earlier thread. You are trying hard to get along with your mum but she chose to marry the man who behaved obnoxiously to your DB and never paid heed to your concerns. She is going to keep putting him over you and everyone else so please focus on your forthcoming happy event. Seriously bofski don't set yourself up for hurt, if she can find time to visit she will, you are on the brink of an exciting new chapter so save all your emotional energy for this.

Original poster
bofski14 · 12/11/2013 20:56

I don't expect her to choose between us. By staying with him after what he's done, she's already made her choice. I did think maybe just an hour though as it's a special Xmas.

OP posts:
evelynj · 12/11/2013 20:58

Her husband is a prick. I'm sure it's hurtful that your mum has changed but how a mother could allow her partner to treat one of her children so badly, I do not know.

You don't need her, you have other loving family around

claig · 12/11/2013 21:01

Yes, she has already chosen to stay with him, so it is not really about that. and she still sees you once a week. It is just about Christmas and big occasions. But it makes sense that she can't come to those on her own, even for 5 minutes, because it would mean leaving him and would embarrass him. It is a tough situation, but if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't leave him alone on those days either, and if you were in her shoes, you may also act like her.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 21:06

Claig

I am failing to see how on earth you can have any sympathy for this man!

Direct quote from the OP's other thread.

Last September during another homophobic rant about how all gay people deserved to die and how they are evil, my brother couldn't contain himself any longer and blurted out that he was bisexual and had been since he could remember but had been too scared to say anything. Cue said mothers partner going ballistic and called my brother a "queer cnt", said the most graphic disgusting vile things to him like "If you want to take it up the sht pipe you wont be doing it in this house" and was encouraging my mother to throw him out telling her "dont even give him chance to get his shoes on". He said the likes of my brother deserved to die and he slammed the bedroom door in his face leaving him petrified and my mother crying on the other side. My brother called me crying, I left work to try and sort it out and it ended with my mother saying "Well, a lot of people think his way". I had to coax her around saying "Thats your son!" and in the end she just wanted to all make friends and said "I don't want either of them to leave". My brother was scared for his safety and has been living with me since.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1820171-Could-you-forgive-this

Read her thread and then tell me if you think that this man or the OPs mother deserve an ounce of consideration.

Kewcumber · 12/11/2013 21:08

I think as the situation last year wan't significantly different to this year (ie her DH not invited for frankly understandable reasons) and it was handled by him going to his daughter for an hour or so and your mum coming to you for the same time then it is fairly obvious that her DH has told her to choose him or you and she's chosen him.

Its sad and yes I would be very hurt by it but there really isn't much you can do.

And yes you do feel much more hurt for slights you perceive against your children than yourself - except for your mum it seems.

Sorry, it sounds shit.

claig · 12/11/2013 21:11

I haven't got sympathy for him, I am analysing why bofski's mum can't come on Christmas Day. Bofski's mum was "crying on the other side" and bofski's mum "just wanted to all make friends and said "I don't want either of them to leave"", but bofski's mum ha stayed with her DH. So it is inevitable that on Christmas Day, she cannot leave him alone and I bet it hurts her that the family can't be all together on that day, but since she has decided to stay with him, she can't just abandon him on that day.

I don't have sympathy for him, but I have sympathy for bofski's mum and bofski's mum has synpathy for him and that is why she can't leve him on that day.

DeckSwabber · 12/11/2013 21:12

I would think your mother is being abused by this man.

Cutting people off from family is classic abusive behaviour.

Retroformica · 12/11/2013 21:13

She obviously sides with her hubby. The adult thing would be for her to maintain relationships with both him and her family.

DontmindifIdo · 12/11/2013 21:14

I can see why she can't come on Christmas day without him now she's taken the decision to stand by him and his behaviour. I would accept that, Christmas day is too "high status" for her to leave him on his own and still expect her relationship with him to be undamaged. She's been prepared to accept him throwing her son out, that's a pretty good indication that she'll do anything to keep her relationship with him strong.

how about take the pressure off Christmas day, ask her to come over for boxing day brunch?

claig · 12/11/2013 21:14

'The adult thing would be for her to maintain relationships with both him and her family.'

She does maintain relations with both sides and she sees bofski once a week.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 21:16

Claig I am afraid I dont have sympathy for her when it comes to how she allowed her son to be treated. If she is being abused (as I suspect she may be, as Deck said) then of course I feel for her. But allowing her child to be abused and doing nothing about it makes her complicit, and for that, no I have no sympathy whatsoever. Neither would SS if the brother had been under 18, he would have been taken into care and the mother and stepfather prosecuted.

Kewcumber · 12/11/2013 21:17

Claig - last year they both saw their (adult) children separately for a couple of hours who live very close together. Is it unreasonable to think that this is a fairly reasonable approach and has a precedent so why such a problme doing the same this year?

Original poster
bofski14 · 12/11/2013 21:17

My mother has chosen him, I accept that. But we are still her children. This will be her first grandchild. I don't think picking her up and spending an hour with us would significantly damage her day with him. He will be seeing his daughter and family.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 21:19

Bofski

I am so sorry but I think that in choosing him she has bascially severed the ties of "mother". She comes to see you but you know that she isnt and will never be (as long as she is with him) a true mother or grandmother.

That is why I said to not bother contacting her anymore. The constant hurt and rejection is already upsetting you, and it will get worse every single time she puts him ahead of you, and you know that she will.

claig · 12/11/2013 21:20

' But allowing her child to be abused and doing nothing about it makes her complicit'

She doesn't want it to happen, she was crying and wanted everyone to make friends, but she is right that there are homophobic people and she was not prepared to leave him because he was homophobic because she thought that "Well, a lot of people think his way"

Other people think differently, but she doesn't. it doesn't mean she agress with it, she just accepts that some people are like that.

claig · 12/11/2013 21:22

' Is it unreasonable to think that this is a fairly reasonable approach and has a precedent so why such a problme doing the same this year?'

Yes, because it can't happen every year that they have to go separate ways because he has been banned. So this year they are staying together, because bofski's mum does not want to go a separate way. It was inevitable that that would eventually happen and it has happened this year.

claig · 12/11/2013 21:24

'This will be her first grandchild. I don't think picking her up and spending an hour with us would significantly damage her day with him.'

But bofski, she sees you every week. It is just this one day that she can't leave her DH.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 21:26

Claig

WTAF??! If I didnt want my DC to be sexually abused, cried about it and then accepted that "some people are like that", do you think that would cut any ice at all in any court in this land? Of course not!

Do you think it would be ok with the DC I failed to protect by putting my husband above them in my priorities?

Do you think it would be ok for me to say that I wouldnt visit them at Xmas because I didnt want to be apart from the man that abused them?

DontmindifIdo · 12/11/2013 21:26

Thing is, your baby's first christmas is important to you, but to a lot of people, the first Christmas isn't that important because the grandchild doesn't understand, it's the first one they understand that becomes important. She wouldn't be coming to see you at Christmas for the baby, she'd be coming to see you, you are the one who understands it's christmas day and what that means. And it's you she's not putting before her DP, not her DGC. However, not finding the time for you isn't massively less hurtful than not finding the time for her DGC.

Invite her for boxing day. Your baby won't know it's a special day, it's your first Christmas as a mother, time to think about your own little family and making your own traditions. "Boxing day brunch with Granny" or "Christmas eve tea with Granny" could be a new family tradition for your new family. Take the pressure off the 'big day' and make Christmas a few day event, your mother won't ever get to be part of the biggest part of hte celebrations, that doesn't mean she doesn't get to be any part of them.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/11/2013 21:28

it doesn't mean she agress with it, she just accepts that some people are like that.

But siding with him against her son, claig? I find that sad.

claig · 12/11/2013 21:28

'WTAF??! If I didnt want my DC to be sexually abused, cried about it and then accepted that "some people are like that", do you think that would cut any ice at all in any court in this land? Of course not!'

We're not talking about sexual abuse and courts of the land, we're talking about human relationships where people can be obnoxious and offensive and homophobic or racist.

DontmindifIdo · 12/11/2013 21:29

Oh but OP - find other solutions (seeing her Christmas Eve or Boxing day, or another day between Christmas and new year), don't feel pushed into backing down and letting her DP back in your life.