AIBU to be disappointed in my mother?

[bofski14]

I'm due to have my first baby and my mothers first grandchild in the next two weeks. This Christmas will be special as it's the baby's first Xmas and also the first Xmas that me and my partner will be having in our first home together. I have said all along that we won't be going around visiting on Xmas day but that everyone is welcome to visit us and stay as long as they like and we will do food etc Mine and DPs family all live within a two mile radius and they all have transport. The only person not welcome is my mothers new husband because he has been verbally and physically abusive to my autistic brother (see my AIBU thread for full story). My mother has today announced that she won't be visiting any of us on Xmas day (my brother lives on his own, next street down so will be spending the day at my house). She said "I've got to spend time with my husband. The baby will be asleep anyway and won't know its Christmas. I've got things to do." She is having her husbands sister for dinner but that's it. I asked if she could just spare an hour to see us. She said it's not fair to run her husband around on Xmas day. I offered to pick her up and she eventually said she would come for half an hour, probably. I've been really upset since she left. What should I do? Am I being over sensitive?

I haven't read the other thread, but I do think you are right to ban him from your house. But the person I feel most sorry for is your mother. She has a duty of care to her children and to her husband, so she feels torn. I guess she feels that her children are now old enough to look after themselves, so she has to put her husband first. He is the person she is going to grow old with. Her children will go on to lead their own lives.

He sounds like a proper bully though, and your mum should be standing up for your brother more. Id feel disappointed in her as well, but just keep remembering that she is a human being too and she is trying to please all parties involved, thereby keeping no-one happy in the process.

You have made the right decision and you know that. I really think now you have your own little family you need to stop allowing this to hurt you. I reckon that the arrival of baby will endorse your feelings even further. Next year just say let me know what you are doing for Christmas and leave it. I would knock on the head lift offering and negotiation.

Not sure if I would want anything to do with my mother if she had allowed her husband to physically and verbally abuse her own child. If she can do that, and willingly see her son thrown out on the street, then she is always going to put her vile bullying husband first. Sounds like they are trying to punish you for supporting your brother.

I would tell the rest of the family what he has done as well.

I think you might be happier just accepting that your mum is not coming at Christmas. Tell her you are sorry but that you accept her decision, then get on with having a lovely day without the stress. You'll have a new baby and you need to look after yourself.

As for your mum, I would try to avoid any 'tug of war' and put yourself in a position of being available if she needs you and helping her to see that this man is ruining her life. I agree with Inertia that I would be letting the rest of the family know what he's like. You never know - they may have stories of their own.