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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be disappointed in my mother?

79 replies

bofski14 · 12/11/2013 15:45

I'm due to have my first baby and my mothers first grandchild in the next two weeks. This Christmas will be special as it's the baby's first Xmas and also the first Xmas that me and my partner will be having in our first home together. I have said all along that we won't be going around visiting on Xmas day but that everyone is welcome to visit us and stay as long as they like and we will do food etc Mine and DPs family all live within a two mile radius and they all have transport. The only person not welcome is my mothers new husband because he has been verbally and physically abusive to my autistic brother (see my AIBU thread for full story). My mother has today announced that she won't be visiting any of us on Xmas day (my brother lives on his own, next street down so will be spending the day at my house). She said "I've got to spend time with my husband. The baby will be asleep anyway and won't know its Christmas. I've got things to do." She is having her husbands sister for dinner but that's it. I asked if she could just spare an hour to see us. She said it's not fair to run her husband around on Xmas day. I offered to pick her up and she eventually said she would come for half an hour, probably. I've been really upset since she left. What should I do? Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:

Original poster

bofski14 · 12/11/2013 21:29

She lives with and so sees her husband every day! He quit working once they were married and now lives off her three cleaning jobs, so he has plenty of time with her. I get an hour a week, usually spent telling me how unfair I am being to him.

OP posts:

claig · 12/11/2013 21:31

"But siding with him against her son, claig? I find that sad."

She found it sad too and she was crying and would rather it didn't happen.

But what has now happened is that her DH has become teh black sheep of the family and she cannot be part of that on Christmas Day, she has chosen to stay with him and therefore she does not want to embarrass him by treating him as the black sheep too.

wiltingfast · 12/11/2013 21:33

To be honest, I think it is nearly always a mistake to take issue with people's partners and even more so when it is family. Now clearly I don't know the whole story (did not see your other thread) and maybe there is nothing for it but to ban your mum's husband but there is a cost to that kind of step and I guess you are sadly seeing it play out. You are making your mother choose and that is never a good spot to put someone in. It is going to put distance between you.

It might settle down into some sort of compromise over time. Nothing for it but to grit your teeth really and try and make the best of whatever time you do get together.

So I don't know if yabu or not re your dm's dh, but yabu if you thought banning her dh would not have consequences.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 21:35

we're talking about human relationships where people can be obnoxious and offensive and homophobic or racist.

Homophobia and Racism are also against the law. My husband is black and was recently (well, 2 years ago) awarded compensation from a man who racially abused him. If the OPs DB had reported this man to the police for his rant and abuse then he would most definitely have ended up in court!

But hey, if he is "just like that".........

claig · 12/11/2013 21:36

bofski14, this is really about the meaning and significance of treating him as a black sheep on an important day of peace and reconciliation and religious significance such as Christmas Day, when families unite and bury the hatchet, it is not about how many hours she sees him or you.

I can inderstand that you are annoyed with her for staying with him, but given that she has decided to stay with him, there is no way she can treat him as a black sheep on Christmas Day, and it is unreasinable to expect her to. You see her every week, this one day means too much to her to leave him on his own because of the message that it would send to him.

Original poster

bofski14 · 12/11/2013 21:37

He made himself the black sheep by his disgusting attitude and bullying. The rest of the family knows nothing about this so he is not ostracised with the rest. My mother has begged me not to tell anyone in the family as to not upset them. They all think he's wonderful. He has more contact with my extended family than I do. In my opinion, if you've been a despicable human being you shouldn't expect an invite to things like that.

OP posts:

IckyYuckyGross · 12/11/2013 21:38

It sounds like she is trying to make a point about how it's both of them (her and husband) or neither of them.

Once you make it clear that in that case you'll choose the 'neither' option, maybe she will realise that you're not going to back down. I would feel sad for her in the event, because she sounds like the type who doesn't have the strength of mind to realise that a forceful person who is often nice to her (or made her think so often enough for her to marry him anyway) can actually be flat-out WRONG and abusive to boot.

Slightly off topic: if the OP's mum posted here saying 'My family don't want DH to attend at gatherings and I don't want to leave him alone. AIBU to wish they'd include him?' then she would probably get a slew of sympathetic replies. Her attitude is not that hard to understand once you accept that she probably thinks her DH is always right. Sad, but not hard to understand.

claig · 12/11/2013 21:39

Yes he could have reported him and then it may have gone to court, but the reality is that there are lots of homophobic and racist people who do not go to court.

BillyBanter · 12/11/2013 21:39

From what you say his abusiveness is not restricted to his stepson. For whatever reason your mum has chosen to be with this man and willingly or unwillingly/ knowingly or unkowingly is being restricted from seeing her family because they don't approve of him. I guess your mum can be afforded the same sympathy we would give a poster here who is embroiled in a relationship with someone like this. However you can't make her leave and you can't make her spend more time with you unless she a) wants to b) is permitted to and/or c) is willing to defy him.

IckyYuckyGross · 12/11/2013 21:40

X-posted.

Yes, but he probably doesn't think he's been a despicable human being, does he? And your mum sounds like she's been brainwashed into believing the party line, more's the pity.

claig · 12/11/2013 21:41

'My mother has begged me not to tell anyone in the family as to not upset them.'

Yes because she does not want him further ostracised, because she wants him to have good relations with as many family members as possible.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 21:43

My mother has begged me not to tell anyone in the family as to not upset them.

Bollocks.

Its so it doesnt upset HIM and make her look bad.

claig · 12/11/2013 21:44

'In my opinion, if you've been a despicable human being you shouldn't expect an invite to things like that.'

I do believe in the old Christian message of forgiveness especially at Christmas time. Is he always as bad as he was? is he never reasonable? People do say offensive things and do behave badly and may be angry or nasty, but they can change and aren't always like that. I believe in trying to keep the door open rather than slamming it shut.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2013 21:46

I am hiding this thread because I cannot believe that anyone would try to defend such a vile and abusive man in this way.

He does not deserve to have good relations with as many family members as possible, especially as those family members do not get to make their own minds up about him based on the facts. I am willing to bet that he would not be invited to any family events at all if they knew the truth about what he has done.

Abusers make sure that their victims have no one to turn to, either by isolating them or leading family and friends to believe that "He wouldnt do that!" so the victim wont be believed. You are falling into that trap.

claig · 12/11/2013 21:47

'Its so it doesnt upset HIM and make her look bad.'

From the sound og him, it wouldn't upset HIM in the slightest. But it would upset bofski's mum because she wants everyone to get along and they do in fact get along because the rest of the family think

"They all think he's wonderful."

Original poster

bofski14 · 12/11/2013 21:49

I think she doesn't want anyone to know because deep down somewhere in her heart she must know that this isn't right and the minute she admits it to herself she will have to leave him. So she'd rather pretend it's not a big deal so she can live in her fantasy that she's met this wonderful man. Not the actual reality which is a man who called her only son "worse than any fcking ngger, pki or dke" and said "don't go spreading your aids around this house". He also spat at him and tried to push him down the stairs. What a catch.

OP posts:

nitrox · 12/11/2013 21:52

Claig - what is your agenda? Because you are wrong on so many counts here its unreal..

OP, I really feel for you.. I think you need to concentrate on your own growing family and let your mum be with this man if that's what she wants. My mum has also been changed by a new and odd husband and I don't recognise her anymore, I have to emotionally distance myself to deal with it... I just want my mum back, as I'm sure you do, but you have to let her come to you when she is ready. My mum seems to like the attention and control from emotionally abusive relationships and is seemingly blind to the things others see. It's very sad.

volvocowgirl · 12/11/2013 21:54

You're not being unreasonable to be disappointed with your mother. She's missing out, she's put her husband before her children. Enjoy your day with those you have coming, her choice really shows you that she's not worth being this upset about. Sorry, OP.

claig · 12/11/2013 21:55

'Claig - what is your agenda?'

I work for New Labour

DontmindifIdo · 12/11/2013 21:56

OP, I think if hte chance presents itself, tell extended family. She has no right to make you keep this secret so that she doesn't have to face her family's judgement. She wants it kept secret so there's noone else telling her DP is a cunt.

wiltingfast · 12/11/2013 22:01

Bofski, tbh it sounds to me like you just want to be told you are right and your mother wrong.

But you asked were you unreasonable to expect your dm to come and stay with you and hour on the first christmas you had your new baby.

Your dm is in a relationship with this man like it or not.

While you are at odds with him, however justifiable, then your relationship with her is going to be more limited.

He is probably delighted as he can now isolate her from you more than he could before.

Try try try not to take it too personally. Try to keep the door open for your mother. Don't let her dh destroy that.

Christmas day is just another day. Your relationship with your mother is more important.

Over time things might change. If nothing else, no doubt his terrible behaviour will seep out and others will witness it too.

But there is nothing gained in the meantime by making your mum even more defensive than she already is.

Original poster

bofski14 · 12/11/2013 22:08

Thank you all for your responses. I have tried to build bridges, I have been to my mothers house, went to their wedding, kept the secret. I am the one who has gone to him and said I would try to put this past us for the sake of my mother. But he has not given anything in return. He didn't speak to me or my brother at the wedding and we were sat on a table at the back, not on the family table. I can't allow this man back into my life and reading the responses on here have made it clear to me that the majority of you think i have made the right decision. I am now leaving this thread as I'm getting a bit upset as to how anyone can condone this evil mans behaviour. Thank you to all who have been supportive to me.

OP posts:

Featherbag · 12/11/2013 22:10

Having read your other thread I honestly can't understand why you'd want your mother round on Christmas Day anyway, or any other day for that matter. She's made it very clear where her priorities lie, and it isn't with her children.

FestiveEdition · 12/11/2013 22:47

bofski .... I think a few people just didn't bother to read the other thread, and the trouble with AIBU posts is that they openly invite people to state what they think ....and half the time people won't agree with you.

Take a great deal of heart from knowing that a lot more than 50% of responses here are totally supportive, and of those who actually have read the history ..... its almost unanimous.
What is more important, is that you don't need anyones validation, You have taken the stance that you knew was morally right and stuck with it. Going to sleep at night, you have a clear conscience. Which is a lot more than can be said for either your mother, or her new husband,

I said it previously, but it bears repeating ....don't torture yourself by feeling guilt over HER choices.

flippinada · 12/11/2013 22:59

YANBU inn the slightest.

I wouldn't be surprised if your mum is being abused and controlled by this foul man but that isn't your responsibility. Just keep the lines of communication open meantime.

You are 100% in the right not letting him into your house.

Also, don't feel you have to keep quiet about what he's really like - but that's your decision to make of course

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