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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner doing recreational cocaine whilst I'm pregnant

101 replies

bunglesmum12 · 11/11/2013 04:54

I am 9 weeks pregnant. My partner proposed to me last weekend. I was thrilled! The only thing is, he's is still doing cocaine recreationally.

He said he would stop once I became pregnant and he hasn't. He has stopped smoking weed every day (thank fully!) he stopped about two weeks ago.

But I just found out on Saturday that he had done coke the night before. I then also found out that he did it two weeks ago at a friends birthday. I don't know what to do!

He isn't some down and out Jeremy Kyle type, he is a successful lawyer and runs his own firm. It's not like he's doing coke every day, it's just once a week, but I know it could potentially end up being more frequent as time goes on.

He is having a "lads night" this Saturday. His mates all do coke, smoke weed and do pills. I know he will end up doing something.

Am I being unreasonable asking him to stop taking drugs? It's stressing me out and I can't sleep at night.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks I'm being over emotional about it and making a big deal over nothing.

Should I stand up for myself, refuse to back down on the drug taking and risk losing everything? Or should I just keep quiet about it and accept it?

Comments greatly appreciated

OP posts:

cjel · 16/11/2013 19:02

I just want to add that there is no way you should terminate your pregnancy because of this.he may or may not stop his drug use but tying it in to a baby you wanted 9 weeks ago is crazyx

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2013 19:03

judy that's ridiculously alarmist

The OP will be tested for HIV regardless

Most weed and coke users don't shoot up. The leap from doing a bit of coke once a week to shooting up heroin is pretty big.

Catchhimatwhat · 16/11/2013 19:15

He is being u to make promises he isn't going to keep and it sounds like perhaps you aren't compatible or ready to commit to each other. I'm sorry OP.

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 19:34

If you say so Dreamingbohemian its all basically opinions, you see the leap between Coke to shooting up as big, I don't , I think its quite small.

paxtecum · 16/11/2013 19:48

Judy: Surely there is always a risk of HIV when having unprotected sex with someone who has had unprotected sex with someone else.
That risk is always there.
How many of us demand a new partner has STI tests before with have sex?

Re heroin: it's really compatable with a lads' night out.

Judy: do you have any personal experience of cocaine, pills, heroin?

BOF · 16/11/2013 20:01

I think the advice to inform the midwife is rather over the top. There may be plenty of heroin users who have taken coke, but the reverse isn't necessarily true. Coke is a common, if dangerous, recreational drug. Heroin, thankfully, isn't.

That's just my impression from the party scene, but I'd be interested to see the figures.

paxtecum · 16/11/2013 20:04

Re heroin: it's really NOT compatable with a lads' night out.

Sorry, I missed out the vital word.

BOF · 16/11/2013 20:07

Yep, Home Office stats say that in the last year, 1.9% of 16-59 year odds have taken coke, versus 0.1% for heroin. Big difference.

harticus · 16/11/2013 20:16

Weed? Coke? At 39?
This is not a man to build a family with.
I had a man very similar to this and walking out on him when I was 11 weeks pregnant was the sanest thing I have ever done.
I have never looked back.
You won't either.
Good luck.

LaLaLeni · 16/11/2013 20:20

Not all drug takers are the same (and not all buy from dealers who offer them other drugs so that isn't a given). And you will be tested for HIV anyway so it might be best to avoid adding to your stress by telling your MW, unless you feel happy to confide in them.

Firstly you need to talk it through honestly with him, ascertain whether he is struggling to give up a real habit, or whether he's masking feelings about marriage/children by clinging to his 'single' life. It's not always as simple as someone being an addict and not caring about you. Besides which, addiction is an illness which can be treated.

For the record, my DF smoked weed throughout my childhood and I took a lot of drugs myself until my twenties, but I wasn't addicted, hence I just stopped one day once I'd worked through my emotions and cut off my drug taking friends (who were all way over 30 btw). It was just escapism. I've had partners with what I would class as 'recreational habits' and dear friends with very serious habits. There are also thousands of middle aged parents who are dependent on 'acceptable' pharmaceuticals, yet who maintain functional family lives. My DM drank wine every night but was a headteacher for 25 years. I worked in rehab services for a long time and saw every angle of drug use and addiction and there was no blanket definition.

If you know deep down he's not going to stop, then make a decision - I wouldn't accept my OH taking anything now we have a child either (that goes for excessive drinking too) - but it might be possible to work through it and not have to go through the pain of a termination. Whatever happens, he needs to know that this is unacceptable and it sounds as if you've made that clear. You need support and he may do too. It's impossible to tell the extent of his use from your op, but I would guess you know if there's a significant backstory or if it's purely down to him fitting in with his industry mates. It's very scary being pg and feeling your partner is out losing control, and sometimes it can be scary to finally settle down if you've led a life of excess quite happily up to that point. Doesn't mean he has a right to do it, just that it may be fixable.

Can you access any impartial help at all?

FetaCheeny · 16/11/2013 20:21

I think if you knew what he was doing before you got pregnant you can't expect him to stop completely and immediately now that you are.
In my experience of coke users, the vast majority just take recreationally with friends on nights out, and gradually as family takes over they go out less and less and subsequently take less and less drugs, some decide to stop altogether. it needn't be a massive relationship ending issue, and please don't consider not keeping your baby over it! If he's holding down a successful career and you love him enough to have a baby together his drug use clearly isn't that out of control, and if he's already 39, very unlikely it will get worse.

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2013 20:23

Yes, I think BOF is right. I've known lots of drug users over the years (long story) and every heroin user has used other drugs, but only a small number of all the drug users have used heroin, let alone shot up with it.

Obviously it's not impossible but I don't think it's anything to be alarmist about, especially as the OP will be tested for HIV anyway

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 20:24

Paxtecum I think that nearly all the replies to your questions are factually out there on the internet on basic sexual health sites so I'm not really going to get drawn into a Q and A on basic available factual NHS information regarding STI's and the increased risks of HIV infection in identified behaviors, you can look it up and decide for yourself how alarmist it is, or how risky depending on what you want to do and who you want to do it with, at the end of the day it is all a risk not a certainty or a guarantee of non infection.
As for" how many of us demand a new partner has STI tests before we have sex"- well,if infection rate statistics are to be believed then not enough of us ( HPA reported in 2011 427,000 new cases of STI's)

" Re Heroin: It's not really compatible with a Lads night out" I don't know, it would depend on the Lads wouldn't it ?

As for the last enquiry "Judy: do you have any personal experience of cocaine, pills, heroin?"
This is a public forum on the internet available to anyone to browse, regularly used by journalists and you are a total stranger,therefore I refuse to answer directly personal questions.

thompson369 · 16/11/2013 20:39

I haven't read through all the comments but I've been in this position with my ex h, thousands wasted on both the drugs and rehab, suicide attempts (his, not mine), despair, broken promises. Just very sad, awful memories. I eventually divorced him and moved on. But not until I had two DC with him. I'd mistakenly thought he'd sorted himself out, for a time he did, the problem is this sort of thing tends to resurface when you least expect it.

FetaCheeny · 16/11/2013 20:40

Pretty sure OP's partner isn't injecting heroin on his lads nights out!!

paxtecum · 16/11/2013 20:41

Judy; I have been single & celibate for 12 years.
Casual sex and the risk of STI scares me.

Like others I feel that your advice to the OP to discuss the drug use with the MW is very misguided.

Re heroin and cocaine: I worked in an industry where cocaine use was rife and I didn't know anyone who had taken heroin.

Apologies for the personal questions. I have no personal information on my profile so feel that I am anonymous on MN.

MiniBirdYay · 23/11/2013 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waterrat · 23/11/2013 09:39

Lots of people in the UK take drugs for fun. There are some real hyperbolic reactions on here - tell your midwife???! Don't be ridiculous.

But the reality of your unhappiness about it is what matters - when you have a tiny baby you will not want him
Coming home wrecked and partying all weekend

Yanbu to be upset but you have to be firm where your boundaries lie

ZombieMojaveWonderer · 23/11/2013 09:56

From personal experience he won't change and you'll never be able to trust him. You'll always be wondering whether he did any on his stag night or on the day of wedding or at the wetting of the babies head gathering. The list goes on I'm afraid. I would never even date someone who takes drugs because you will always be second best and the baby will be third! I doubt you will heed this advice though so good luck to you.

meganorks · 23/11/2013 10:33

I wouldn't mind occasional use (ie couple times a year, big nights out). But I wouldn't say weekly is occasionally. That is regularly. And if that continues when you have the baby then your weekends aren't going to be fun times for the whole family but your DP recovering from his excesses. The drug taking might die down and fizzle out. But if he is 39 and still going strong then you can't really rely on that.
Bigger than all of that for me though is the fact he has lied about stopping. He just made some empty promise and now it has come to it he isn't doing anything to stop. I would talk to him ahead of this big night out. Remind him what he promised and tell him that you want his word that this will be the last time he takes any drugs. Spell out what it would mean if he doesn't.
But you then have to follow through and leave him if he won't stop. But in all honesty you don't really sound like you are willing to do that.

Original poster

bunglesmum12 · 28/11/2013 04:32

Bump

OP posts:

everythinghippie29 · 28/11/2013 05:06

How's everything working out now bunglesmum? I hope your DP realised what was important and you are doing ok.

MollyWhuppie · 28/11/2013 06:22

Drug use could also invalidate any life insurance policy if not declared. Quite a lot of companies randomly test to check policy holders are not taking drugs. This could be something to mention to your DP when baby comes al

MollyWhuppie · 28/11/2013 06:24

... along. Surely he won't want to risk you and your baby's security. (Presumably you're sorted with wills and stuff if you're not married?)

CoffeeTea103 · 28/11/2013 07:12

How did things work out op, hope that you are ok?

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