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Original poster

Partner doing recreational cocaine whilst I'm pregnant

101 replies

bunglesmum12 · 11/11/2013 04:54

I am 9 weeks pregnant. My partner proposed to me last weekend. I was thrilled! The only thing is, he's is still doing cocaine recreationally.

He said he would stop once I became pregnant and he hasn't. He has stopped smoking weed every day (thank fully!) he stopped about two weeks ago.

But I just found out on Saturday that he had done coke the night before. I then also found out that he did it two weeks ago at a friends birthday. I don't know what to do!

He isn't some down and out Jeremy Kyle type, he is a successful lawyer and runs his own firm. It's not like he's doing coke every day, it's just once a week, but I know it could potentially end up being more frequent as time goes on.

He is having a "lads night" this Saturday. His mates all do coke, smoke weed and do pills. I know he will end up doing something.

Am I being unreasonable asking him to stop taking drugs? It's stressing me out and I can't sleep at night.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks I'm being over emotional about it and making a big deal over nothing.

Should I stand up for myself, refuse to back down on the drug taking and risk losing everything? Or should I just keep quiet about it and accept it?

Comments greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 11/11/2013 08:16

My friend was in this situation. He promised to give up whilst she was pregnant. He didn't and changed it to 'when the babies born'. The baby is here and now it's 'ill stop when she's old enough to understand'

I fucking hate him.

OP get out lovely, he won't change. If he can't stop for the unborn baby he won't stop at all. People like that are also very manipulative and have a way of making you question yourself.

Branleuse · 11/11/2013 08:21

tell him youre cross and that you assumed he'd be a bit more supportive.

Other than that, im assuming he can afford it, and its not in the house

MollyWhuppie · 11/11/2013 08:22

I would have a problem with a 39 year old who is about to become a father doing this as you would hope he would want to grow up a bit - it seems bloody childish, selfish and irresponsible. If he's still doing it now, he's unlikely to stop - at least not for you or the baby.

He may choose to stop one day of his own volition, so it's for you to decide how much of an issue this will be once you actually have a family together. It's not looking great to be honest, and I don't think I would want to have children with someone already showing signs of being so selfish.

Joysmum · 11/11/2013 08:24

Drug use is drug use, especially re cocaine, and he's already demonstrating to you that either he can't give up, or that the drug taking is far more important to him than a promise to you is.

Either way, you've got a problem and I hope you can see how serious this is sooner rather than years down the line.

You may not want to be a single parent but it's that or else take the shit that comes with being with a habitual user and putting your baby in that sort of a family unit. I think being single is better, no matter how harsh that seems, because you'd never come first. Good parents put their kids welfare first and if he can't do that, you need to man up and do it.

Sorry, just my opinion but I wish you all the best xx

Strumpetron · 11/11/2013 08:29

I find it unbelievable how some people on this thread are failing to aknowledge the seriousness of cocaine use. Wow.

Really?!! I'm no prude, I used to use it a few years ago but it is a very damaging drug and can easily spiral out of control. Attitudes like 'it's only cocaine' or 'it's just recreational' are questionable.

kali110 · 11/11/2013 08:43

Sorry just because he is a lawyer he is better than some of the people on jk? He does cocaine and up till two weeks ago was doing weed every day?
Do you know for certain he has stopped weed for certain?
Cocaine is a serious drug. Are you and the baby not enough for him to give up? He has already broken a promise to you. When does it stop?

mrsjay · 11/11/2013 08:53

recreation is going for a walk doing a bit of sport or window shopping not shoving something up your nose, this man is a drug user and his drugs mean more to him than you do he doesn't care you want him to stop he will just keep using it or he may just do it in secret so you don't nag at him, please dont think you can change this man you won't be able too, It is up to you what you do but if it was me he would be shown the door,

ilovesooty · 11/11/2013 08:53

Get shot of him. As a couple of other posters have said, do you want to be supporting him when he has a caution on his record (or worse) and loses his job? Quite apart from safeguarding concerns and his twattish comments and behaviour.

Writerwannabe83 · 11/11/2013 08:54

You have agreed to marry this man???? Shock

If I was you I'd be less concerned about his habit and more concerned about Social Services coming knocking on your door and questioning your ability to keep your current children and future child safe!!! Raising a child in a drug filled environment is NOT on, NOT acceptable and the fact you can't see this is very worrying and it will be extremely concerning to professionals too.

Why on earth would you want to marry such a twat???

HerrenaHarridan · 11/11/2013 09:03

I was in your position 2/3 years ago.

After 8 years together and buckets of recreational drug use we decided that we had got it all out of our system and we decided to get married abs try for a baby AFTER we had been off all drugs including weed and tobacco for x time.

During x time we quit it all and got married.

I fell pregnant fairly quickly, before our dd was born he has smoking tobacco and weed every day

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/11/2013 09:06
  1. He lies
  1. He would lose his career if caught
  1. He invalidates his insurance if he uses
  1. Coke makes you an insufferable, selfish, boring, selfish plonker.
  1. He said he would stop and has done it at least 2 times in the last 9 weeks. He is not going to stop.

Knowing all these things what do you want?

diddl · 11/11/2013 09:07

Of course YANBU wanting him to stop, but surely you're not surprised?

GlassOfFizz · 11/11/2013 10:24

You need to tell him its the drugs or you and the baby. My brother is a recreational drug user and I refuse to have him stay because the thought of a stray pill falling out of his pocket and then the baby crawling over and picking it up fills me with horror. I refuse to have that risk in my house, no matter how unlikely it is.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 11/11/2013 10:39

He's given up weed?

Yeah, right

He uses cocaine once a week ?

Add your own multiple on that

He is a proven list as habitual (recreational is a misnomer here) drug users often are

You already knew what he was like and had accepted him around your kids. You have been very foolish to believe the empty promises of a habitual drug user

I advise you cut your losses now.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 11/11/2013 10:39

Liar, not list

SignoraStronza · 11/11/2013 10:51

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Apart from the fact that doing drugs at the age of 39 puts him firmly in the 'sad-case-middle-aged-coke-bore-twat' territory, he is seriously at risk of losing his livelihood if he carries on like this.

I mean, seriously. Most people quit drugs by their mid twenties don't they? When they have far more interesting and important things to spend their money on, like the future security of their family in your case.

I despair of pathetic prats like this. Is he hanging round with twenty year olds or something, trying to re-live a lost youth? I have one old friend like this. Now a successful architect, as he gets older, his 'friends' get younger and are probably all ripping the piss out of him behind his back.

I'd consider letting him make the decision between drugs or family and holding him to it.

CaptainTripps · 11/11/2013 14:36

He is heading for an early heart attack...never mind anything else.

MadameLeBean · 12/11/2013 08:18

Are you okay OP?

Original poster
bunglesmum12 · 16/11/2013 10:30

Hi there, thank you so much for all your responses, I really am overwhelmed! I am going to try to respond to you all. I'm still too stressed to sleep so it shouldn't be a problem getting back to you all, in fact, all these messages are really helping me so thank you :)

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 16/11/2013 10:36

Leave him. This won't change. What you do about the pregnancy is a separate decision that only you can take. But this man is unlikely to give up his party lifestyle and sadly does not sound like husband material. Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

paxtecum · 16/11/2013 10:38

Bungle: Please bear in mind that most replies are from people who have been in relationships with coke users, so we do know what we are talking about and give valid advice. We have the benefit of hindsight!

Best wishes to you whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
bunglesmum12 · 16/11/2013 10:38

Hi there, thank you so much for your comment,
No I do not want a relationship with someone who takes drugs. If I knew he was taking drugs in the first place I would never ever have got together with him. This is something that has escalated over the summer and has got way out of control. Now he doesn't want to stop. He says he agrees with me that he should but is finding it difficult and he has no will power. So when it's offered to him, he can't say no. Tonight is the night of his "lads night". Iv not slept all night because I know what's going to happen. Iv told him if he does it again after tonight, it will be the absolute end of everything. Our engagement, our relationship, our life together and of course the baby. I just want him to stop.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 16/11/2013 10:44

He probably hasn't stopped because he can't. Addiction doesn't seem to have occurred to you. At 39, he's probably been doing this for 20 years and is unlikely to change.

You are now pregnant. He feels he has you trapped, so will continue to do as he pleases.

I don't care how successful he is, or how much money he has. He's still an addict and is behaving accordingly.

YANBU, but I doubt you can change him.

gamerchick · 16/11/2013 10:44

You've spelled out the consequences to him.. aside from the pregnancy decision which is yours alone. You must be prepared to go through with it or he'll walk all over you.

Original poster
bunglesmum12 · 16/11/2013 10:47

Thank you Paxtecum, it sounds like you have been through similar. Iv found most of the replies on this thread very hard to read because they are from people with previous experience and they are simply spelling it out for me, putting it in black and white. But it's exactly what I need to hear! The truth!! Sometimes you get clouded by relationships and you only see what you want to see. I now know that if it doesn't stop, it's over x

OP posts:
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