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Original poster

Partner doing recreational cocaine whilst I'm pregnant

101 replies

bunglesmum12 · 11/11/2013 04:54

I am 9 weeks pregnant. My partner proposed to me last weekend. I was thrilled! The only thing is, he's is still doing cocaine recreationally.

He said he would stop once I became pregnant and he hasn't. He has stopped smoking weed every day (thank fully!) he stopped about two weeks ago.

But I just found out on Saturday that he had done coke the night before. I then also found out that he did it two weeks ago at a friends birthday. I don't know what to do!

He isn't some down and out Jeremy Kyle type, he is a successful lawyer and runs his own firm. It's not like he's doing coke every day, it's just once a week, but I know it could potentially end up being more frequent as time goes on.

He is having a "lads night" this Saturday. His mates all do coke, smoke weed and do pills. I know he will end up doing something.

Am I being unreasonable asking him to stop taking drugs? It's stressing me out and I can't sleep at night.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks I'm being over emotional about it and making a big deal over nothing.

Should I stand up for myself, refuse to back down on the drug taking and risk losing everything? Or should I just keep quiet about it and accept it?

Comments greatly appreciated

OP posts:
DameDeepRedBetty · 16/11/2013 10:49

Sad Sounds like he's addicted and the penny's just about beginning to drop. Are his fellow abusers work colleagues as well as friends?

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 10:54

Sweetheart he is already married to his drug habit, he is a classic coke head, rehab is full of "Professionals" who thought that because they were not unemployed living on a run down estate they were some how "In charge" of their habit, Phrases like "Recreational" are part of the excuses used in a developing drug addiction.
All addicts protect the addiction whilst it is ongoing, they won't hear a word against it, so its highly likely he will make all sorts of promises but break them, and tell you all sorts of nonsense about how mild his use is, and how its you making more of it, stick around for to long and he may even wear you down in to trying it.
His friends are not friends they are drug buddys, co dependent addicts.
You are potentially part of his denial, he cannot be a coke head if he can put together a nice little family now can he?
Walk away sweetheart.

clam · 16/11/2013 11:05

Yeah, what's the difference between "recreational" drug-taking and drug-taking?
Geography? Social class? Career?

paxtecum · 16/11/2013 11:06

He'll only be able to stop if he cuts all those mates out of his life, stops pubbing and clubbing and stops drinking too.

If he completely changes his lifestyle, he can give it up, but those mates are a big part of his life and no doubt his work life too.

Sorry, but it is unlikely that he will give up.

He will be hungover after a night on coke and pills, irritable and useless the next day. Moody for a few days too.
Not good for being a Dad.

I expect he wants to carry on partying AND have a lovely wife and family too.

specialsubject · 16/11/2013 11:08

poor choices all round, I'm afraid. There are plenty of other ways of dealing with a pressured job, but you've got a sad loser who can only have a life with chemical help.

issue an ultimatum and be prepared not to like the answer. I hope he will change but he needs to accept he is a junkie first.

also note the wise words of others that his job is at risk too.

good luck with whatever you decide about the baby, but I'd waste no more time with this loser. Sympathies to you.

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/11/2013 11:13

Run whilst you can. There is no way i'd have stayed in a relationship with someone who uses drugs and certainly no way I would have had a baby or accepted a marriage proposal from them.

If you have other children then you need to protect them, normalising drug use to them is very wrong.

Original poster
bunglesmum12 · 16/11/2013 11:45

All very wise words ladies, and yes the penny has definitely dropped.

This is not the kind of thing I ever imagined I would have to (or should have to) deal with at the early stages of pregnancy. It's just awful and I can't believe I am in this position.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 16/11/2013 12:20

OP, you say you've told him if he does it again after tonight, it's over. By saying that, you've more or less given him your permission to do it tonight. He'll then think you don't mean what you say about wanting him to stop using. In your position I'd have said don't do it tonight or it's over. But it doesn't matter anyway because he's an addict and addicts lie, so I don't doubt that he'll keep doing it even if he tells you he doesn't.

How old are your other children? I'm a single parent and wouldn't want either a drug user or a liar around my DC. I'm so sorry OP, but I have a feeling this will not end happily Sad.

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2013 12:32

Why would you even date someone who smokes weed every day when you already have DC?

If he can't stop drugs for their sake his future step DC, now that you're engaged why do you think he will stop for the baby?

I am really sorry because I think you're in for a very tough time and nobody deserves to have to go through that. I hope he has a massive wakeup call somehow.

SomethingOnce · 16/11/2013 13:14

I was going to ask how old he is.

I see he's thirty-fucking-nine.

Time to grow up, daddio.

Original poster
bunglesmum12 · 16/11/2013 16:59

I know Somethingonce

Thirty-fucking-nine!

It's a joke isn't it

OP posts:
Original poster
bunglesmum12 · 16/11/2013 17:13

Hi softkittywarmkitty
The reason why I have given him tonight was because his friends are all coming to the town we live in for the night. He has said that if I give him tonight then that will be be it. Finished. I have said in return that if he does it again then that will be it. Finished!

I have left the house and gone to stay elsewhere until next week. As I don't want any drugs around my child (who's 5). We won't be returning obviously if this all continues

OP posts:
MySiamese · 16/11/2013 17:30

So you've basically said to him 'if you take drugs again after tonight i'm aborting our baby' Hmm

He sounds like an arse. He should quit of his own accord.

ccsays · 16/11/2013 17:33

He has said that if I give him tonight then that will be be it. Finished.

Just one more hit, eh? Hmm

He's full of shit, OP. If he knows that situation will be too tempting for him he should be avoiding it. If all the ultimatums you've giving him aren't enough, I don't know what will be.

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 17:48

Sweetheart, you are not "Giving him tonight" you don't have any "Night" to give him, you see what he is doing its classic junkie manipulation, you now think you are "Allowing him to take drugs with your full knowledge"
he has already got you to believe that you are part of his habit, that you have agreed with it, you haven't, its nothing what so ever to do with you
if he takes coke or not, its HIM THAT IS DOING IT.
You don't give permission, you don't allow, he decided he wanted to take drugs tonight not you, now he has you thinking you have allowed it.
His drug habit is not your problem its his choice, when he takes it how he takes it why he takes it, its nothing to do with you.
But he's already making you think it is.
a year from now, he will have you buying it for him so he lessens the risk of him being caught.
See what he is doing.

VerySmallSqueak · 16/11/2013 17:57

It's very expensive and he could be caught.

They are two things you can't ignore.

I'm pretty much of the opinion that if someone wants to do things like that,and the person they are with is ok with that,then who am I to moralise.

But know those two things.
And know they are incompatible with a stable family.
Then make your choice.

You can only go ahead if you are okay with him possibly losing his job and getting community service,a huge fine,or even a prison sentence.Then ending up on benefits with all the money feeding his drug habit.

If he won't be serious about giving up for you,then I would suggest it's easier to get out now than later.

But if he is serious,but struggling,and he is the man you love,give him your support and help.

RockPaperScissorsLizardSpock · 16/11/2013 18:08

I've been in this situation. He won't change unless he wants to, nothing you can say or do or reason about.

I left him. I heard it took him years to sort himself out.

You need to either accept his life for you and your child or move on.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 16/11/2013 18:13

The fact that all his friends are coming to town tonight is neither an excuse nor a reason why he should be doing drugs, when you've made it clear he needs to stop as a condition of your relationship. He's going out tonight fully intending to take drugs that he knows you hate him taking. He has no respect for you, or himself.

You say you won't be returning if it continues but who's to say he won't lie and say he isn't doing them so that you come back? He's lied already - of course he's going to keep lying. You'll keep issuing ultimatums that you won't stick to because you understandably want to make it work and want to trust him. He'll keep doing drugs because he knows he can talk you round. And so the game will keep playing out. One of you needs to end this facade and it's not going to be him. Sad

bigbrick · 16/11/2013 18:15

I would not be with a drug taker. You know & can walk away & make a life for you & your child without his drug addition ruining your lives as well as his

Mylovelyboy · 16/11/2013 18:17

OP please dont marry this guy. Not yet anyway. He wont stop just because you are pregnant.

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 18:34

There is just one more thing i feel i must add,
as you are pregnant you must tell your midwife and or those involved in your care that you have had unprotected sex with someone who uses drugs, this is because you cannot be certain that he has not injected drugs at some point and you do have an elevated risk of HIV infection which can also be passed to the baby, you need to know what your HIV status is, for your health the babies health and for the health of those who will be involved in your medical care.
Its not the end of the world if it is positive, and if it is negative then you also know that you need to keep yourself very protected etc.
Also you will need to discuss having a Hepatitis vaccination asap with your healthcare team.
Drug dealers prefer to get regular customers to try as wide arrange of drugs as they can because the supply chain (being illegal and therefore a bit erratic) can be interrupted for the supply of a drug of choice so its handy to dealers if the regular customer is happy to give an alternative that is still available a go, they do like their customers addicted, it's a guarantee of money and confidentiality.
Weed, pills, coke, He will at some point get heroin waved in his face, ( if it's not happened already) He has the money, he has the contacts, hes prime for this to happen, it will.
I hope very much that what I've written to you here helps you, if not now then at a later time, I cannot think of anything more I can do to spell out the realities of the life you are contemplation if you go ahead with a relationship with an addict.
I wish you genuinely all the very best

Mylovelyboy · 16/11/2013 18:38

judy OP should not tell MW that at all Shock Next thing she will be having stazi services banging on the door and the baby could be taken away. When she could be a really wonderful mother but just needs to get away from this drug taking twat. OP DO NOT TELL MID WIFE ANYTHING FFS

Preciousbane · 16/11/2013 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 18:58

Sorry Mylovelyboy but Op should tell MW,
Pregnant women are routinely tested for most STI's anyway as part of anti natal care,an active STI can cause complications in pregnancy, and infection rates are rising year on year amongst the general population of all STI's,its just better she asks for it as soon as possible and for an HIV test as if positive it can be controlled better for her and the baby.
The treatment of HIV has improved and she has a child already to think about as well as this baby.

Caitlin17 · 16/11/2013 19:02

And he's a lawyer. I thought we'd outgrown all those ridiculous. "This Life" 90s caricatures.

At some point he'll be caught. When he is he'll be struck off.