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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have said no to mil?

93 replies

ginmakesitallok · 09/11/2013 20:13

Discussing Christmas presents with mil this afternoon and she said she was thinking of getting dd1 a TV for her room. I said no, we don't want her to have a telly in her room yet. Dp came in at that point and also said no (thank God!). Sil then hinted that tv was already bought. Aibu to stick to my guns and say no TV? Surely she should have asked us before getting a big present like that anyway??

OP posts:

WorrySighWorrySigh · 09/11/2013 21:44

Yes, GPs should ask before making any major present purchases like this. How does MiL know that OP wasnt going to buy DD1 a television herself?

Actually, they would avoid an awful lot of present cock ups if they asked about all present purchases before getting out the cash.

I have had any number of conversations with DM where she says 'would X like ' I reply 'no mum, not their thing at all'. 'oh' says DM all sad and hurt 'but I've already bought it'. Leaving me to sigh inwardly and wonder why she had bothered to ask me then!

Spaulding · 09/11/2013 22:42

YANBU. And don't even think about Sky and aerials and all that stuff so you have more reasons to say no. JUST SAY NO!

I had a TV in my room at 10. I would wake up on a Sunday morning and watch TV, not even go downstairs. And during the summer holidays I would stay up until ridiculous o'clock watching TV and I was so tired I would sleep in until the afternoon the following day, completely wasting my summer!

DS is only 2 but we have all this to come. But I would not be happy about him having his own TV in his room and I would very much like him to sit with us as a family, as well as get a good night's sleep. Same goes with computers. I am adamant that we will only ever have a shared computer. In my family, we all had one each, and every evening we would all sit in our separate rooms on our PCs. I spent the majority of my teen years in my room on my computer and completely shut out my parents as to what was going on in my life. I think technology just creates the opportunity to shut yourself off from everyone else and you can miss out of valuable family time.

Strumpetron · 09/11/2013 23:00

YANBU for not wanting the gift from MIL, she should have asked you first.

I do think 10 is old enough for a bedroom tv though, but that's not the point.

sparklysilversequins · 09/11/2013 23:03

I'd say thanks, but you don't really need to as they both have one. However if you are wanting to upgrade it, well thanks that would be just lovely.

sparklysilversequins · 09/11/2013 23:05

The competitive NO TV in child's bedroom outrage on here always makes me .

Mylovelyboy · 09/11/2013 23:07

Strump if you think 10 is old enough why do you think MIL should have asked first. Its her granchild. Why does she have to ask permission as to what to buy grandaughter. MIl seem to get such a bashing on here whatever they do. Always having to ask first or the parents get offended. its so stupid. My parents bought my ds when he was little a really giant electronic sit on car that took over the lounge. I did not complain. Fuking thing was massive and drove me mad. Be grateful and dont worry about it. If OP not happy just have some control over it.

sparklysilversequins · 09/11/2013 23:15

My in laws have been very generous with gifts for my dc in the past and while they run it by me I would never say no because I always try to think whether it's about me or about my dc enjoying the gift. So yes the massive indoor tent that took over the living room for a while was fine as was the snooker table. Those things aren't here now. These things pass they won't be there forever.

As for the tv in bedrooms thing, mine have had them since about five years old respectively. They still ask now if they can put them on and it simply would not occur to them to put them on late at night or even first thing in the morning, because those are the rules that were laid out when we first got them. We live in a small flat and I am studying for a degree, also a lone parent. If they want to watch a DVD then they need somewhere to do that while I study.

Strumpetron · 09/11/2013 23:18

mylovely because how does the MIL know that the OP approves, we don't even know if she does. With something like that you can't just assume.

Mylovelyboy · 09/11/2013 23:32

Approves!!!! Its a TV All this asking permission. Its pathetic. The dd is 10 years old. Most kids I know have had TV's for years at that age. They are intelligent enough. As long as OP controls it, whats the issue. Im sure OP's dd would be delighted with a new shiny tv. Anyone would think its a rattle snake in a cage the way you are all carrying on. Jeez

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/11/2013 23:35

Mylovely,

The op's dh completely agrees with the op as the MIL is also his own mother its certainly not MIL bashing.

Any grandparents are nothing more than grandparents they are not parents to the child,they made choices like this for their own children and don't get to do it for children who are not theirs.

Strumpetron · 09/11/2013 23:36

It is the parents right to decide if their child has a tv or not. For some people it's a big deal. Why should a parent have to 'control' the use of something they don't approve of?

It's about respect. Being a mother in law doesn't give them the right to decide what is and what isn't acceptable for the family.

Strumpetron · 09/11/2013 23:36

Sorry cross posts.

Goldmandra · 09/11/2013 23:46

It's not reasonable for parents to want control over what GPs buy for their DGCs for Christmas unless it's part of a power game or they want to buy something the parents don't want their DCs to have.

I planned to get some pottery lessons for my DD2 for Christmas but my mum was with me when I enquired about them and she's told DD2 today that she is going to buy them for her. I'm not best chuffed about it but I'll let it go because it's not worth making a fuss.

However, we are in the 'no tv in bedrooms' camp and I'd put my foot down very firmly if my DM decided to buy one for her.

BatPenguin · 09/11/2013 23:58

Yanbu. I wouldn't let a 10 year old have a tv in their room. Oh and yes it would need to be plugged into an arial.

kali110 · 10/11/2013 00:01

I Had a tv in my room from about 13. I did very well at school!
I also didnt watch it at all hours. If my dad told me to turn it off i did. I still went out to play. I still did my homework. I still revised.
My parents didnt want to watch my programmes and vice versa!

Goldmandra · 10/11/2013 00:14

I Had a tv in my room from about 13. I did very well at school!

That's not really relevant to the discussion about whether the MIL is right to ignore the parents' wishes about their DD having a tv in her room. They have made a different decision from the one your parents made because they have a different child, have different values and live in a different home.

The point is that they don't want a tv in their daughter's bedroom and the MIL should respect this and select a different gift.

Primrose123 · 10/11/2013 00:28

YANBU

I don't like TVs in children's bedrooms. Mine don't have them.

I would try and sort this out with her before Christmas. It would be difficult to take the TV away if MIL just gives it to her.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 10/11/2013 00:50

The thing is though that if GPs dont ask parents if presents are suitable then they wont necessarily know if it is something the parents want their child to have. They might think they know but that isnt the same as actually checking.

My DH and I differ on this in that he thinks that gift horses shouldnt be looked in the mouth. My view is that people should check if a horse was actually wanted!

It is always awkward when GPs proudly present an ill thought gift. How grateful is the child or parent supposed to be?

Sunnysummer · 10/11/2013 03:51

YANBU.

I worked in TV for years and you will take my netlfix subscription from my cold dead hands, BUT there is loads of research showing that TVs in bedrooms for adults or children results in reduced sleep, plus it definitely reduces time as a family increases risks of children watching shows that they are definitely not ready for, and there's even a link to childhood obesity ("Researchers found that students with access to one electronic device were 1.47 times as likely to be overweight as kids with no devices in the bedroom. That increased to 2.57 times for kids with three devices"). Yes there are always correlation/causation issues with this stuff but the research was on over 3000 kids and here is the http://www.news.ualberta.ca/newsarticles/2012/10/tvdevicesinkidsbedroomslinkedtopoorsleepobesity link. Stand your ground!

FixItUpChappie · 10/11/2013 04:37

Get the impression on this thread and many others about MIL's that they are expected to ask the parents permission before buying the grandchildrens presents.

I think its pretty common sense that many parents do not allow TV's in their kids bedrooms and as such it is proper to ask. Its disrespectful to assume this kind of gift is okay, causing a big scene when it has to be pilfered off the kid and returned.

I would say no to this tv from my MIL, my own mother or anyone else - its overstepping. Same goes for game consoles, phones and other technology items that are likely to be governed by parents household rules and values.

iFad · 10/11/2013 04:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHoratioNelson · 10/11/2013 05:05

Fascinated as to how PPs propose that use of a telly in a child's bedroom be controlled - I just don't hnderstand how you would prevent it being used without being there all the time to supervise.

NumptyNameChange · 10/11/2013 06:51

because if there is no arial point the only thing you can do with it is watch dvds with a dvd player. take the hdmi cable that connect the two and the tv does nothing other than show snow.

Jinty64 · 10/11/2013 07:21

My 3 ds's each have a t.v. in their bedroom and there is no problem with it. We are a busy family so there is limited time for t.v. watching. If there is a spare hour then they don't all want to watch the same thing. Ds1 will want to watch planet earth/blue planet or a nature programme, ds2 watches midsummer murders/Miss Marples or the like and ds 3 likes Scooby Doo or Sponge bob. Dh would watch sport.

They don't watch it late into the night because we don't allow it.

I think a t.v. is a great present, however I do think it is the parents choice.

Mummyoftheyear · 10/11/2013 07:32

Definitely. She will also have a receipt. Tough. She should've thought about that. Not appropriate.

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