To think that trapping your dp into pregnancy is shocking?

[annabanana84]

I'm having issues with dp at the moment. I'm 29, he's 43 and we've been together over 3 years. We have lived together for all of this time. I have uterine fibroids and have become very broody. I realise that because of my illness and ages of me and dp, time is against us. I've just had my coil out in the view that dp and I can start ttc but he's now retracted and decided we should save up over the course of a year or so before we start ttc. To say I'm bloody disappointed is an understatement. I've been thinking about leaving dp because I'm so desperate for a baby, but we are slowly working through this and I've accepted that I have to wait til dp is ready.

I've confided my problems with a few friends and both of their solutions really shocked me. They both suggested pricking holes into condoms. I could never do that! When I have a baby with dp, I want it to be the right time for both of us! Also, dp would never forgive me if he found out!

[Inertia]

Yes, 'trapping ' men into having unwanted children is wrong.

So is trapping women in relationships by repeatedly making and breaking promises about having children.

This man will never commit to having children with you. Don't waste your time.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

"Yes, 'trapping ' men into having unwanted children is wrong.

So is trapping women in relationships by repeatedly making and breaking promises about having children."

This is spot on. Take heed OP.

Also, I cannot believe anyone could ever defend someone sticking their fingers into their partner like that.

[annabanana84]

Thanks further for your replies. The more I think about his approach to sex since I had the coil removed, the more I shudder and feel mad with myself for not standing up more for myself. Especially when he touched my vagina with his finger to see if he had leaked any semen. That made me feel violated and so upset. I may start myself a get-out fund over the next few months then in the new year I will be able to afford to leave. I would love a baby and the more I think about his behaviour, the more I think what a pathetic father he'd make.

[MadBusLady]

Don't beat yourself up. He's a horrible dickhead, it's not your fault that a dickhead happened to you. The important thing is you've seen through him now and you're leaving in time to give yourself a good chance of children with someone nice.

Good luck with your escape fund. And don't be surprised if he senses you detaching a bit and getting more critical of him and starts making lots of promising noises about maybe-next-year.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

surely you would check the condom unless you were worried about having gone soft?

could he have concerns about erectile function?

(I agree the checking sounds weird (and wrong) but wonder if there is a simple explanation from his view).

[ABitterPIL]

How would you check that? Surely most women wouldn't be exactly be dry at this point anyway?

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Exactly bitter

Serves no purpose but to intimidate and degrade his partner. If an accident happens he will blame her.

He doesn't want her, he just doesn't want anyone else to so he keeps throwing her these meals out and these empty words just to keep her hanging and hoping. I expect be just wants her as his maid.

ana I hope you are serious about this getting out fund I really do. This baby is not going to happen no matter how keen he seems when he finds out you have a bank account he wasn't aware of.

It really really isn't normal I promise you.

[elskovs]

Absolutely right, its disgusting.

But loads of desperate women do it. I don't know how they sleep at night.

Poor kids.

[FutTheShuckUp]

OP im unsure why you keep posting about this issue when you simply will not listen.
You say you won't leave because you love him. If that's true for the love of god stop trying to force him to change his mind about children

[MickeyTheShortOne]

Don't wait ANY longer. The more you wait, the more promises he will make, and the more your heart will break into tiny pieces. You CAN manage on your own. You are 29. You have your whole life ahead of you, and there are plenty of men out there. I'm afraid I agree with FutTheShuckUp really... if you love him that much then stop trying to force him to change his mind. Then again, if he really loved you, he would be at least considering this.

As for checking you after sex, that's just plain wrong, and disgusting. He sounds like a total arsehole.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

The "checking" is not nice. Not good.

Also, if he is spending money on regular meals out and breaks away then the financial argument is unconvincing.

[TheDoctrineOfWho]

Would he have sent you off for the MAP if he did leak?

Would you have gone?

OP, how much do you need in your escape fund? Have you bought a house together or anything?

[IAlwaysThought]

I think its a disgusting and immoral thing to do. I judge, big time!

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I was wondering. Did you have the coil removed to ttc? Or did you tell him that it needed to come out for health reasons?
Are you personally better off without it? Or was it a Mirena, there to deal with the heavy bleeding of rom the fibroids?
What I am getting at is, unless you personally want another iud, then I'd not be having that procedure repeated for his convenience IYSWIM. If condoms suit you, then use condoms.

Is it shocking to trap your DP into pregnancy? Well, I don't find it shocking tbh. But I think it's very stupid as life plans go. Not fair on him and very disadvantageous to you.

He isn't being fair either, but you know that already.

[Tulip26]

My God this sounds familiar. I had a chemical pregancy last year and my ex was screaming at me the whole time, he even made me cry on my birthday while I was pregnant. After I lost the baby, he wouldn't even give me a hug. After two months of no contact, I confronted him and he said he "didn't want me to get pregnant again."

We'd been together four years, had house, dog, etc. I knew right there and then he'd never come round to us actually having a future together, it was always "we'll talk about it in six months." I had three years of "we'll talk about marriage, kids, etc in six months." I left him and our lovely home behind. I'm still 'starting again' with a new home, new man, new life but I'm going forwards, not backwards.

Leave him, he will never come round.

[HelloBoys]

Artex - I read OP's other posts too and though it sounds like her DP is an utter twat it also sounds like she is trying to fill a void by having a baby - with an unsuitable person.

with the fibroids etc she's not even sure if she CAN conceive.

But I think she can do better generally - maybe counselling would help first off re the toxic mother and so she can find a nice man who can treat her well.

[mitchsta]

YANBU - one reason why the male pill should become widely available. I've heard people say they'd never trust/rely on their man to take it regularly, but I see a market for blokes who want to be in control of their contraception and 'double-up' even when their OH is using another method. Trapping your DP into pregnancy is just so wrong.

However, the saving up for a year thing will never wash with me, because that first year in a baby's life will arguably be its cheapest. Yes there are cots and prams to buy, but babies do not demand designer labels and iPads - and the childcare fees you save when your LO goes from nursery to school will be sucked up in some other way, so a 5-yo won't cost less than a 3-yo. Delaying things for a year won't have much of an impact in the grand scheme of things - your baby will drain every penny you have cost money as it becomes a child...teenager...student, etc.

Of course you shouldn't have kids until you're both ready, but "waiting a year" sounds like a bit of a cop out if you ask me. FWIW, I think you should have a serious think about what you want. If you feel like a maid now you'll feel a million times worse with a baby. Your OH sounds like a selfish prick and I'd focus on getting away from him rather than settling down with him.

[pinkyredrose]

He's leading you on OP. I've read some of your other threads, this guy is not right for you. You're also on the baby names forum asking opinions on various names, it seems like having a baby is your number one 'must do' thing in your life.

Are you hoping that eventually he'll want a baby with you? You should give yourself some space from him mentally and physically. Have a good think about what you want, ie. a baby or a baby with him? If he's this flaky now what kind of father do you think he'll be?

Be kind to yourself. You have plenty of time to meet someone else who wants the same things as you do in life.

[HazleNutt]

I also took a look at your other threads. Please do not have children with this man! He is a massively selfish twat who does not care about you one bit. Says he loves you? I can say that moon is made of cheese, does not make it true.

Children test even the strongest relationships and you would probably end up with a nervous breakdown with a small baby to take care of and a partner who does not lift a finger to help you or make your life any easier.

Oh and no, he does not want to have children. He won't in a year either. You are still young, get out and go find a man who does. And who actually loves you.

[nameChangedRiteNow]

This happened to me except it was 6 years into my relationship when the old 'one day' changed to 'I don't want kids' for him.
I still hate him now and for a long time I wished I'd just trapped him too, everyone around me who had kids the proper way seemed to be breaking up anyway and my single parent friends where way happier than me even before my relationship had ended.
In the end I had a baby with my gay friend, I was i'm my 30's and didn't trust any man I met after that crap ex, to not mess me around and waste more of my fertile years telling me 'one day'
It's cruel to jeopardize someones chances of having the family they crave, and waste the time they could be spending meeting the father of their kids, the older you get the slimmer the pickings.
I'm not sure that what your friends are suggesting is worse than what he is doing, I would be tempted.
If you can't accept your life without children either leave him now and start looking or use him as a sperm donor. He doesn't want children EVER.

[Thumbwitch]

One cast iron reason not to trap an unwilling bloke into having a baby - if you then split up and he decides he is going to want access, he will STILL be a massive twat, and your baby is going to be spending time alone with him. Plus, if he's that much of a controlling twat, he will then USE your child against you, again and again and again. And you can't ever get rid of him.

So - since you, OP, are with a massively controlling twat who doesn't really want children, the LAST thing you want to do is to expose a baby/child to this person as a single parent. It's NOT WORTH IT.

[IAlwaysThought]

Good post ThumbWitch Exactly! Why would you lumber you kids with a twatty Dad.

[caruthers]

Trapping someone into being a father is vile....don't do it it's the lowest of the low.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

What Thumwitch said. Absolutely.