To think that trapping your dp into pregnancy is shocking?

[annabanana84]

I'm having issues with dp at the moment. I'm 29, he's 43 and we've been together over 3 years. We have lived together for all of this time. I have uterine fibroids and have become very broody. I realise that because of my illness and ages of me and dp, time is against us. I've just had my coil out in the view that dp and I can start ttc but he's now retracted and decided we should save up over the course of a year or so before we start ttc. To say I'm bloody disappointed is an understatement. I've been thinking about leaving dp because I'm so desperate for a baby, but we are slowly working through this and I've accepted that I have to wait til dp is ready.

I've confided my problems with a few friends and both of their solutions really shocked me. They both suggested pricking holes into condoms. I could never do that! When I have a baby with dp, I want it to be the right time for both of us! Also, dp would never forgive me if he found out!

I think checking your partners vagina is a bit pointless unless he can tell with his fingers the difference between semen and normal female lubrication. But I don't think it's wrong or controlling for him to do it.

He's trying to avoid a pregnancy when he feels he cannot provide for a baby.

I'd much rather be with a man like that than one who thinks it's ok to conceive children he can't support financially or emotionally.

I think his morals are much more admirable than those of all the posters on here telling the OP she could have a baby and it will all be fine because she can claim benefits.

Control has been taken away from him , she had the coil out. He's scared because he can no longer her his end away like he could before. He has to wear a condom now and he doesn't like it.

You say this as if there's something wrong with a man wanting to control whether he fathers children or not, which I honestly don't understand.

It's not wrong or controlling ??!!

Are you for real??

Woohoo so her partner would be happy if she checked his penis for semen ejaculation/leakage or not?!

I don't think so so why should he check her vagina.

I think quite a few men (and women) worry about the financial side of things. House prices are so high, and people's expectations of standards of living are through the ceiling too, which means there are a lot of 'artificial' costs that make having children a much greater financial commitment than it has been for previous generations, without really increasing family happiness.

I wonder if there are ways of showing him how this might work financially, and what you would be prepared to give up to do it (if need be). That might mean not moving to a bigger place, or making do with more inexpensive food, or not going on holiday abroad, etc. etc. etc. Perhaps some figures would make it a bit more 'concrete' for him?

There's nothing wrong with him wanting to control a pregnancy however his behaviour is indicative of far more. You can get pregnant in the coil too. He was happy enough about sex then. He clearly has more problem with the fact she made a decision about her own body and he has to take responsibility for it now. Most normal men wouldn't care about having to wear a condom.

Are you Giles?

How else is this guy supposed to prevent an unwanted pregnancy if not by using condoms?

He's not trying to control his partner, he's trying to control whether he has a baby or not. Oddly enough, that's allowed!

Woowoo they discussed and agreed ttc so she had the coil removed he then changed his mind but did he go out and buy himself condoms? No. This isn't a man who wants to wait for the right time this is a man who is misleading and mistreating his partner and only cares about himself hence laughing while she's crying.

Op please ltb

It's not fucking normal to check like that. Condoms are perfectly good I have used them successfully for many years. My dp checks the condom, not me for leakages. My partner also accepts he has to wear them. No fuss, no nervousness , none of what the ops partner does.

He's also manages quite well for all the years he's been sexually active to not have children. He can't have got to his forties having never used one. Unless he has kids he's hiding then there's no reason for this fear as they have worked up til he got with the op

I agree that him changing his mind is unfair to the OP, but better that he changes his mind now rather than when a child is conceived.

Women can consent to sex and then change their mind at any point, and rightly so. But would you call a woman that did that controlling, or would you call the man that stuck to the original agreement a rapist?

OP wants to stick to the original agreement, her DP doesn't. That's all. Upsetting for the OP, but as a man loses all rights to whether a child is born once conception happens, I think he's right to play it safe and prevent conception.

If he's the bastard that you think he is, then he's doing the OP a favour.

Woo how about laughing at her when she's crying?

She said he was laughing at the telly, not her.

Either way though, yes, that does seem wrong of him. But I wasn't defending him on that, I was defending him over his paranoia about semen leakage.

Your missing the point woo

Of course he had a right to prevent pregnancy no one has said he doesn't.

It's his behaviour that's disgusting. The way he is being with his partner is the behavior of a man merely trying to prevent a baby.

"Women can consent to sex and then change their mind at any point, and rightly so. But would you call a woman that did that controlling, or would you call the man that stuck to the original agreement a rapist?"

Fucking hell, Woowoo. They're hardly comparable.

Is NOT the behaviour

Woowoo I agree he has the right to change his mind but his actions are ott and the way he brushes off the op shows a complete lack of respect. Also what's with the not providing his own condoms.

He's not sitting down with her and going through the finances and making proper plans to save etc he is just stalling. If he just doesn't want at all rather than wanting to save first then he needs to tell her and stop messing her about.

OP, this guy's a total dickhead. You should not be content to be treated like this. Forget the baby stuff for a minute - this is a man whose response when you're crying and upset is to carry on laughing at the TV. Why would you want to shackle yourself to someone like this?

He tells you he loves you? Words are cheap. He's figured out all he has to do is give you a bit of soft soap now and then and you'll carry on putting up with him and providing his maid/cook services. He doesn't even want to shag you that much FFS. Get rid and get on with finding a proper man to have children with.

No, they're not really. One involves creating a whole new life that is completely dependant for the next 18 years, and one isn't.

The difference in effectiveness is about 1%. He could easily double wrap, and pull out and finish off by hand, or there's the MAP if the unlikely event if a split occurs.

It does not Warrent the sudden paranoia. There has to be more to it can't u see?

This man does not want a child with you and he's lying about not wanting one.

If you do not leave you will not have a child

OP - If you're really keen to stick with your DP to have children, you need to talk this through more and at 29 you've still time. Having children is a big life changer and it's something you need to go through together.

It's certainly wrong to trap your DP into a pregnancy, as you'll need him on board, and need his support, both emotionally and, for a short time at least, financially for a long way into the future.

Pregnancy will always be a consequence of sex. People have got pregnant in seemingly impossible situations. Condoms pills and snips combined. God I swear I remember a case of a woman with no Fallopian tubes getting pregnant , on a tv doc.

I can't see how this behaviour can really be about a baby. Especially as up til now I'm assuming condoms worked with other partners just fine although maybe he always lays te contraception at the woman's door which is suspicious in itself

There's more to it. 1% would not change things so dramatically. My guess would be that the reason for her staying has suddenly disappeared and he's having to bluff his way into making her think there's still a chance. God forbid he has to cook and clean himself. He's not being honest because she would leave

Op, this is about more than wanting a baby. He treats you like a maid, ignores you when you're upset and carries on laughing at the tv, he checks you after sex? Did you give your consent to this or did he just do it? That is wrong on so many levels. He then denies it happened and makes you think you are going mad?

He is abusive and controlling, pure and simple and he's acting like he is as he can feel that control slipping away due to your desire for a baby. He tells you he loves you, is caring at times. I had one like this. It took me a long time to see him for the abusive arse he was, 10 years it took to see the light before I left. You are worth so much more than this. Please don't wait til March, ending any relationship is hard, even an abusive relationship. However there are many men out there who will love and respect you, who will want to have children with you. This one is not treating you well, you deserve so much better. After I left I met my now dh and we have 2 dds. You can get there too but not with your current one.

Op I'm really sorry you're in this situation.

This man will not have children with you. Honestly.

If you have money to go out for dinner and away on regular holidays you have more than enough for a child! (especially with tax credits etc).

The fact that he is sooooo cautious, is a big flag as is the gaslighting. He will be no nearer to having a child in a years time, and you will have wasted another year of your fertility.