To think that trapping your dp into pregnancy is shocking?

[annabanana84]

I'm having issues with dp at the moment. I'm 29, he's 43 and we've been together over 3 years. We have lived together for all of this time. I have uterine fibroids and have become very broody. I realise that because of my illness and ages of me and dp, time is against us. I've just had my coil out in the view that dp and I can start ttc but he's now retracted and decided we should save up over the course of a year or so before we start ttc. To say I'm bloody disappointed is an understatement. I've been thinking about leaving dp because I'm so desperate for a baby, but we are slowly working through this and I've accepted that I have to wait til dp is ready.

I've confided my problems with a few friends and both of their solutions really shocked me. They both suggested pricking holes into condoms. I could never do that! When I have a baby with dp, I want it to be the right time for both of us! Also, dp would never forgive me if he found out!

From your posts, OP, it doesn't sound like he wants a baby at all, and he's willing to fob you off with excuses. In a year's time, there will be some new excuse. I had a good friend whose husband was like that. Kids were a dealbreaker for him, but he didn't have the guts to tell his wife that, because he knew not having them would be a dealbreaker for her. He strung her along for several years with one excuse after another, including the financial excuse.

The "wait a year and then TTC" thing only makes sense if you're anticipating your financial situation radically changing within a year, i.e. if one of you is getting a big promotion, etc.

My friend finally had it out with her husband, he finally admitted he never wanted kids, and they split up. She was already in her mid-thirties by this point, and she ended up having a baby by artificial insemination, because she didn't have a partner and she didn't want to wait any longer. She's now in a relationship with a terrific guy who adores her DS.

My friend's husband wasn't an evil person, he just didn't want kids (some people don't). And he didn't have the moral strength to come clean with his wife, because he wanted to continue the relationship as it was (i.e. childless). It ended up being a far messier split than if he'd been straight with her from the beginning. Yeah, he hung onto his wife for a few more years, but after several years of excuses she was angry.

As to the suggestion made by your friends, OP, it's a very bad idea, as you obviously already know. It's one thing if someone gets pregnant genuinely by accident, but an "oops" pregnancy would make you feel horrendously guilty. I'd say you're better off either looking for a new partner who is willing to have children, or going it alone like my friend did.

OP - with your updates I think it might be time to call an end to this relationship - you desperately want a baby, your OH clearly doesn't (no really, he's being as clear as he can be without actually saying "I'd rather cut my dick off than have children") and he's witholding sex. Why? To punish you? Because you had your coil out?

He is not the right man to father your children so please do end it with him and go and find someone who will be happy to be a dad with you.

you need to have it out with him. tell him that you are not going to wait around forever- you cant. if you pride yourselves on being honest with each other then he needs to be honest with you!!!
FWIW, im 22 and dp is 41. our daughter is a year old. some men just arent genuinely ready for a while... (although an accident for us so appreciate that doesnt help).

Wise up op. you have posted about this several times not to mention the fact your dp seems to take you for an idiot. You need to move on

He doesn't want kids. His attitude towards you sexually is appalling and he doesn't trust you re the sex part eg his bare cock.

Tons of men have babies and survive. Sounds like he's putting every obstacle and boundary in your way AND what's worse moving the goalposts.

I really hope you leave him and find proper father material.

Thanks further for your replies.

Yesterday, since having the coil out, we finally had sex. Unfortunately it all felt rather forced and was awful to say the least.

We have not had sex since I had the coil out 2 weeks ago and it usually happens every few days so I was going insane. Unfortunately, from me coming onto him, dp seemed very reluctant. He then said rather scathing 'we don't even have a condom'. I said that we do and produced one, but from the moment it was on him, he was constantly checking that it hadn't rolled down, and after we had done the deed, dp even checked with his fingers in my vagina to see if he had leaked. He was so paranoid. I brought his paranoia up later in the evening and him checking me, and he denied everything. Made me feel like a mad woman!

Also, I ended up breaking down asking him (not for the first time) if he really wanted children. He swore that he did, and that he was working all hours and we couldn't afford one. I pointed out to him that we would probably be in the same predicament next year and he didn't say anything after that. I started crying unconcontrollably and I was saying that I just wanted a baby, over and over. He seemed rather unaffected by this and just carried on laughing at the telly.

I've decided to wait til march next year then broach the subject again. After that if he's still denying
Me a baby, I'll have to consider leaving him. Til then, my heart remains empty and sad.

I'll spell it out for you OP.

This man does not want children with you.

I honestly wouldn't wait a second. You were crying in misery, and he was just laughing at the tv???

Give him up as a bad job, find somewhere else to live and just leave. Apart from anything else, him denying the whole "checking you for semen leakage" thing is gaslighting and bodes ill. Yet another red flag in other words.

Don't wait, just go.

You are wasting your time. I'd hoped that you would have realised this.

I think you need help too, your need for a baby is totally for the wrong reasons in this relationship. You sound as if you think it's going to make everything ok. It won't.

Leave now and work on your confidence and your mental well being. You need to sort yourself out before you contemplate relationships and babies.

Bloody hell!

Why the fuck are you waiting until March? He does not want a baby with you, I am sorry. Do you really want sex to be like it was every time until you are pregnant?

And as for checking you internally after sex, that feels just wrong on so many levels.

Even if you manage to get pregnant this man is not a keeper. He didn't care when you cried.

Please get some self esteem, wake up to this is not the man for you and certainly not the man you want for a father for your child.

It is possible (although highly unlikely IMO) that he wants to wait so that you can save for a year's mat leave.
We have no way of knowing whether he is being honest about his intentions. Is he usually straight Bout things? With you or others? Or do you see him being manipulative rather in order to avoid confrontation?
Have you ever talked about marriage? Absolutely not necessary for a stable relationship of course, but i just wondered if you might have had similar conversations about that sort of commitment.

I'm very sorry if I am off the mark but from your posts I have the impression that there is a dynamic in your relationship whereby he is in charge and takes care of you. Which feels great when you are his young darling and he makes decisions that take you into account, but not when he and you have different objectives. Your tears are not moving him.
Tbh, even if, in 12 months, he agreed ttc would that be good for you?

Having a baby/ child is demanding in ways that it's not possible to imagine and seriously tests the most supportive relationships with the most enlightened of men. This is assuming you can conceive without intervention. How well would he cope with supporting you through fertility treatment?

I would want some headspace tbh. I think you need to be able to work out for yourself what the impact of having a child would be on your finances so that when you speak to him about it you are able to contribute to the conversation in a constructive way rather than becoming tearful and hoping that his love for you will make him wipe away your tears and give you what you want. I genuinely mean that in a much gentler way than it sounds.

Op this is so sad :(

I'm sorry but I don't think he wants children with you at all.

Also he is not a very caring partner to gaslight you and ignore you while crying :(

I think you need to accept that you won't be having children with him and move on.

I do understand how you are feeling to some extent. I wanted children with dp several years before he was ready. By it was different as we were both younger and he had clear reasons for delaying children that I could rationally understand. He didn't just fob me off and change the goal posts every so often.

But I love him. He's so caring at times. He takes me away a lot, takes me out for dinner, he tells me he loves me and cuddles me and texts me to tell me he loves me.

Maybe i'm in the wrong. Maybe I forced myself to think he wanted a child with me, but he did say things like 'ooh it'll be lovely bringing kids on holiday when we have them' and things like that.

He's not caring he's controlling. He's just making yuk think he's kind and loves u etc. Someone who loved you would not check your vagina ffs.

Caring? When? If someone is lovely a lot of the time in my opinion it is wiped out by something that is intolerable. I certainly would not tolerate being examined by my partner after sex.

Words are cheap - I love you, etc.
Texts are cheap.

Actions tell you everything you need to now.

This man is not for you.

LTB cos he really is an arsehole. Please have some respect for yourself. If you have a baby that child will have a mother in an abusive relationship. He will only get nastier.

You want a child.
He does not.
Move on.
Sorry!

And you can't be that skint if you regularly go away/out for dinner. If anything you'll prob better off with a baby with Tax Credits & Child Benefit. He's talking bollocks.

Ana, it would be U for you to trap him with a baby. It is also wrong for him to trap you into being childless. There is never enough money and never enough time for babies but you make it work.

If you're having meals out and weekends away you are NOT skint! Add up a months worth of nights out and you'll see what he's 'working all hours' for.

As for the internal checks after sex WTF that is not ok, and I'm not sure what he expected to see tbh. You deserve someone who wants the same life as you and will love and support you. This guy does not seem like the one. Sorry .

Your DP is doing the right thing and being very responsible by ensuring you don't get pregnant by accident. That shows that he would take his responsibility as a parent seriously, and makes him a much better person than all these people that bring children into the world knowing they can't afford it and will have to struggle along on while claiming benefits.

at the posts criticising this man. He is doing the right thing!

Oh really, Woowoo? You think checking his partner's vagina after sex is the right thing, do you? and then denying he did that? That's ok with you, is it?

To answer your OP, yes I think it shocking to trap a man into pregnancy when he doesn't want one.

From reading the rest of the thread , he really doesn't want children with you I'm afraid. You said yourself you don't have enough money to save up, so when the end of the year is up, he will then say you haven't saved enough so it will be another delay.

Checking you to see if any spunk had spilt? Lovely! Not.

His attitude to sex is terrible because it shows how much he is terrified of you getting pregnant. This is NOT the actions of a man who wants children.

Very few people are in a position to just afford a baby. People manage and make do, babies don't actually need that much and none of mine have cost anywhere near the amount you read about in the papers, when it says things like a baby costs ££££ in the first year or whatever, plus there are many quality second hand things around.

He is delaying and will continue to delay until he thinks you will give up.

OP, the meals out and trips away are a red herring love, because he benefits from them himself... what does he actually do for you? You've already said you're the maid and the cook, and now he's shown you that when you are at your lowest point, crying uncontrollably, all he is interested in is laughing at what he's watching on the tv....

Please OP, do consider ending this relationship. I've yet to hear anything in it that is good for you.

woo

Doing the right thing would be sitting down and having an adult conversation about what contraception they can use and what they would do if an accident happened.

He's panicking. Control has been taken away from him , she had the coil out. He's scared because he can no longer her his end away like he could before. He has to wear a condom now and he doesn't like it.