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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be slightly weirded out that my friend is emailing my 12yo son.

138 replies

CoolStoryBro · 09/11/2013 01:06

Right, this is my first AIBU so please go easy!

I met my friend for lunch earlier and, during the conversation, we ended up talking about my 12 yo. He is physically very mature (we're talking 6 ft, full puberty, etc) but emotionally a regular 12 year old.

Anyway, in this conversation, she asked me how he was getting on with his new girlfriend. I laughed as a) I didn't know he had a new girlfriend and b) he's flipping 12! At this point, she got a little earnest with me and said I needed to talk to him more.

Now, I think my son and I have a pretty good relationship, with waaaaaaay more laughs than arguments but, OF COURSE, we argue at times. He's 12 and I'm his mum.

So, I asked what she meant and she said that they had been emailing for a bit and he had told her he was interested in a girl and she had been giving him some suggestions on how to ask her out.

Now, I'm all for teenagers having another adult to sound out to, but he's not even a teenager yet. He's 12. SO AIBU to be slightly annoyed that this was the first I'd heard of it and it's a bit, I dunno, odd?

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 09/11/2013 14:46

Maybe I'm a just a misery Sweetpie but I just wouldn't be that interested in what another child was up to sending her good luck messages for her first day at high school, sporting events, asking her if there is anything she would like for Xmas etc

All that sort of thing would come out during my conversations with the child's mother.

Doinmummy · 09/11/2013 14:48

I agree Feismom spidey senses.

It does really depend in the tone and context of the emails. Also the OP's gut feeling about this friend

AgentZigzag · 09/11/2013 15:02

Plenty of reasons have been put forward as to why what the OP's described might be a cause to worry Branleuse.

I'm surprised you think not even one or two of them could be valid.

PeppermintScreams · 09/11/2013 15:16

She could just be being friendly, albeit inappropriately.

She might be a crazy attention seeker. She could be trying to "Wendy" you, but with your son rather than other friends? Because she is just plain toxic or as the first stage of.....

Grooming - unlikely but still possible. She might not be after your 12 year old son, but he will very quickly grow up to be 14,15,16, and she could be befriending him now with the occasional innocent conversation to gain his trust for when he is older. Pedophiles are very patient. Strange that she's brought the emails to your attention, but it could be a clumsy way of gaining your trust.

Either way you are right to be suspicious and need further information. Can you have all his emails automatically forwarded to yours?

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/11/2013 15:55

I think it is a bit weird.

Not necessarily in a potentially sexual way but nonetheless inappropriate.

Having said that my dp has a cousin (they're close) whose daughter used to text me quite often when she was around 12/13. I didn't really think anything of it,just used to reply. I'm actually closer in age to her than my dp or her parent which is perhaps why it never struck me as off. I also humoured her because she is his family and had instigated it.

LittleBairn · 09/11/2013 16:05

It seems inappropriate to me because she's crossed boundaries, she's a friendly neighbour whom you have only known a short time not a long term family friend.
What I find concerning is that its been done in secret. I would be asking her who suggested they exchange emails, how long has this being going on and why wasn't this discussed with you first?

FCEK · 09/11/2013 16:07

I'm instantly concerned that she's been emailing your son and neither of them seem to have told you, also that he seems to have a girlfriend, again without you knowing.

I think your priority right now is to see those emails and scrutinize their content and tone. If anything seems wrong then contact the police.

And either way, drop this friend and don't be afraid to tell her exactly why.

Her behaviour is inappropriate, sexually motivated or not.

Strumpetron · 09/11/2013 16:14

I would be looking at those emails pronto.

Why on earth would she message him. Whether it's just friendly or not, she's an adult and shouldnt have taken it upon herself to message him.

fuzzpig · 09/11/2013 16:16

It's weird given that you've only known her a year. Seems a bit wannabedownwiththekids IMO

fuzzpig · 09/11/2013 16:16

And I'd look at the emails without them knowing if possible

Tenacity · 09/11/2013 16:29

"Now, I think my son and I have a pretty good relationship, with waaaaaaay more laughs than arguments but, OF COURSE, we argue at times. He's 12 and I'm his mum."

OP I think you sound too defensive. Perhaps you are not as close to your son as you think?

You also said "Now, I'm all for teenagers having another adult to sound out to, but he's not even a teenager yet. He's 12."

This sounds like because he is 12, and not a teenager yet, he should not have the feelings or thoughts he has? He is also a human being with his own thoughts and feelings, and perhaps he feels more listened to, when he talks to certain people?

I'm not suggesting this woman is right or wrong (she might have her own motives, or not), but I think this is more about you and your son. At least she's drawn your attention to it. What about the other (good or bad) people he might be talking to that you might not know about?

Perhaps instead of getting angry at this woman, the truth lies closer than you think?

Original poster
CoolStoryBro · 09/11/2013 16:34

Ok, I've read the messages this morning and they are very one sided on her end. His replies are mostly along the lines of Ya, no, lol. And hers are along the lines of, "I've been thinking about our chat earlier and etc etc"

I'm genuinely not worried about it being a sexual thing, more a "I'm the cool parent and you're a bit clueless" thing. It's not as if DS doesn't talk to us about how he feels and he's particularly close to DH and his older brother. So, I guess it's really that I don't feel her input is particularly warranted, especially via email.

Anyway, we're going over there tonight for dinner so I'm going to tell her I appreciate what she's been trying to do, but DH and I would prefer it if it stopped.

Thanks for all the input!

OP posts:
Original poster
CoolStoryBro · 09/11/2013 16:37

Tenacity I'm not angry! I'm just weirded out as I wouldn't do that. And of course a 12 year old has feelings. That's not what I meant at all.

OP posts:
Alanna1 · 09/11/2013 16:43

Not read all of these but I had independent friendships with a couple of my parents' friends by age 10. Those who were like "honourary godparents", but ones I had chosen. I am still (er over two decades later) in pretty close contact with one of them. So I don't think its necessarily weird.

Strumpetron · 09/11/2013 16:44

It's even weirder that it's all one sided Confused I could almost understand if your son was asking for advice and encouraging it.

I think you're dealing with it very well, let us know how dinner goes OP :)

ExcuseTypos · 09/11/2013 16:53

It's obvious your DS doesn't really want to have these 'conversations' with her, by his responses.

Good idea to ask her to stop.

Rockinhippy · 09/11/2013 17:00

Good luck, she sounds like a bit of a fruit loop to be honest, especially in the light of your last post & it's all one sided - totally inappropriate in the circumstances of you not knowing & her doing all the running.

I've had several of my similar age DDs friends try to message me or try & befriend me via face-ache etc, mostly boys, I wouldn't dream of getting involved or trying to undermine the parents as seems to be the case here, WITHOUT the knowledge of their parents, it's just not right at all - though I do encourage DD to chat with our adult friends as hers, both via text & I'm etc etc, but these are people I know & trust to let me know as I would them.

I do have a friend who went through something similar with another mutual friend though, she had a penchant for younger men & used to joke with our friend about how her good looking son was growing up - it was never taken seriously, not even the texts they regularly swapped - his DM just took it to be high jinx & her DS had a crush on said friend who she trusted - this went on for years - until the DS was 16 -

It did not end well

Strumpetron · 09/11/2013 17:01

rockinhippy Shock oh christ that's awful!

BabyMummy29 · 09/11/2013 17:03

That is seriously weird!

Rockinhippy · 09/11/2013 17:06

I know :( - I didn't have DCs back then so though I knew it was bad, realise now with hindsight just how bad it really was -

the boy was very cheeky though, very flirty with us all - things like deliberate water fights to get us wet so that he could see through our clothes, trying hard to walk in on us on the loo etc - but all of the rest of us took it for what it was, a cheeky CHILD trying his luck & not fully understanding, a bit too much high hopes of a mrs Robinson, but none of us would take it seriously, let alone act on it - we were all very shocked - needles to say they are not friends anymore

mrsjay · 09/11/2013 17:23

Anyway, we're going over there tonight for dinner so I'm going to tell her I appreciate what she's been trying to do, but DH and I would prefer it if it stopped.

I hope it goes well and she takes the hint what age are her children roughly are they younger ?

mrsjay · 09/11/2013 17:24

It's obvious your DS doesn't really want to have these 'conversations' with her, by his responses.

that Op sounds like your boy is feeling awkward but polite about her emails

Original poster
CoolStoryBro · 09/11/2013 17:33

mrs jay Hers are 10 and 14.

OP posts:
wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 09/11/2013 17:58

She's a Wendy no doubt about it.

sweetpieandpeas · 09/11/2013 17:59

See I purposely left out the information that this is my god daughter and this is one of my closest friends. I have a very close friendship with the family. No-one asked where this child got my phone number from in the first place to message me when she got her phone? Her mother/my friend gave it to her!!!
I care about this child a lot and I would say these things to her face if I was visiting her house during the times these events happened! However for someone who finds making friends difficult, a quick message of support has done wonders. Sadly the world is too suspicious.