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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be slightly weirded out that my friend is emailing my 12yo son.

138 replies

CoolStoryBro · 09/11/2013 01:06

Right, this is my first AIBU so please go easy!

I met my friend for lunch earlier and, during the conversation, we ended up talking about my 12 yo. He is physically very mature (we're talking 6 ft, full puberty, etc) but emotionally a regular 12 year old.

Anyway, in this conversation, she asked me how he was getting on with his new girlfriend. I laughed as a) I didn't know he had a new girlfriend and b) he's flipping 12! At this point, she got a little earnest with me and said I needed to talk to him more.

Now, I think my son and I have a pretty good relationship, with waaaaaaay more laughs than arguments but, OF COURSE, we argue at times. He's 12 and I'm his mum.

So, I asked what she meant and she said that they had been emailing for a bit and he had told her he was interested in a girl and she had been giving him some suggestions on how to ask her out.

Now, I'm all for teenagers having another adult to sound out to, but he's not even a teenager yet. He's 12. SO AIBU to be slightly annoyed that this was the first I'd heard of it and it's a bit, I dunno, odd?

OP posts:

firesidechat · 09/11/2013 09:33

Your friend sounds very much like an old friend of mine. I knew from a very early stage that she saw herself as "cool" mum and would very much want to be the person my children went to for advice and understanding. She was very good at chipping away at others parenting styles too.

The conversation you mentioned in the OP is exactly the kind I would have imagined having with her. Fortunately I had a good relationship with my children and they soon saw through the "coolness" to the toxicity below.

She was trying to undermine you (I know something you don't, is a classic for this type of personality) and I would say that she has behaved inappropriately too. But I may be projecting somewhat, so will be interested in what others think.

firesidechat · 09/11/2013 09:43

You've known her a year!

That does not sound right at all. At least my friend was a long standing family one and I had a good grasp of her personality, good and bad. This is a virtual stranger and is seriously over stepping the mark.

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/11/2013 09:52

I have to say I'd have told my friend at the start if her kids started emailing me...no matter how long we'd been friends. But I have safeguarding training and am aware of how innocent things can look bad. I was approached once by a teenager for some seeds [I give away loads to people in swaps etc] and contacted the mother to say I'd been approached and was more than happy to send them, but wanted her to give me an address that wasn't their home address just to be on the safe side as she didn't know me at all...so I sent them to her work address. It's as much to protect myself as to protect them.

uptheanty · 09/11/2013 10:08

I would be quite concerned about this op

My 17 yr old dd became very friendly very quickly with a "new" family.

In our situation it's quite tough for our teenage children who need someone apart from parents to offload too.

It didn't end well.

The mother was trying to be my dd bestie and did not have the best interests of my family at heart.

Beware the cool, nice , parenting expert.

She's not your friend. She's a bitch.

mrsjay · 09/11/2013 10:14

she maybe is trying to be a cool friend to your son not sure why you mentioned his physical maturity though , I think it is innapropriate (sp) and i think you should tell her that and maybe your son sees her as a cool adult to talk to read the emails and see whats what did you not think to ask your friend where she got his email address

mrsjay · 09/11/2013 10:16

DD is friends with a friends mum on facebook I am monitoring it I cant be arse d with down with the kids people she did facebook message her about something that happened at school that happened between the friends I was livid

mrsjay · 09/11/2013 10:16

I fully agree with uptheany

mrsjay · 09/11/2013 10:21

think that is lucky he has decided to confide in one of your friends, as at least is someone that you trust, and is happy to talk to you if she is concerned about your child.

this is fair enough but she then gloated that she knew about his girlfriend it is tricky as of course older children dont always confide in us but I do think this woman is over stepping,

Doinmummy · 09/11/2013 10:27

I think there is a big difference between being a sensible adult who listens to a child and gives appropriate advice and an idiot who wants to be cool and down with the kids. I have never understood adults who want to befriend children. I talk to my DD's mates when they come round but I don't want to be their friend.

Op do you know what category your friend falls into ?

MeMySonAndI · 09/11/2013 10:36

You know... This thread reminds me of a life long life struggle with my mother, who thinks that, being my mother, she knows me better than anyone and that no one other than her can comment, support or provide the rightful advice to me or my siblings.

But the truth is she doesn't know us, not at all, she doesn't know about deep feelings, desires or even dreams. Simply put, we wouldn't talk to her about anything she may slightly disagree with. She is however very vocal about criticising other parents, who being her friends or the parents of our friends, supported us through difficult situations or circumstances while we were growing up. I know that many of those parents tried to talk to her about problems we had, and that in most occasions she dismissed their comments with the phrase "she is my dd, I know her better than you do". I know however that withouth te support of those other parents I coul have potentially ended in some very bad places.

So, even though I feel it's strange to exchange emails with a 12 year old, I would say that you need to pay attention to what is going on there but also to prepare to do some changes in he way you communicate with your child to ensure that he can continue to feel as the first person to come to with news about his life, and sometimes it is not about anything dramatic, just stopping the jokes, in some occasions, will do.

halfwildlingwoman · 09/11/2013 10:47

It seems more likely that she is trying to be 'down with the kids' rather than actual grooming. Either way, it's inappropriate. I'm thinking of the only 12 year old boy I know well, the son of my oldest friend and I cannot imagine him e-mailing me for advice. Last week he had a conversation with me about Facebook and I gave him my opinion on it, (his mum has let him join and lie about his age to do so.) BUT, this conversation was in front of his dad (my friend) and I was very careful not to criticise his mum and continually refer to her as the person he needs to talk to about anything that concerns him. I think it is good for kids to have other trusted adults in their lives, but those adults need to respect the boundaries laid down by the parents.
If you had known her for years and she had watched your DS grow up I would feel differently, but the fact that she is a new friend would worry me. I think you should look at the e-mails, have a gentle, non-judgemental chat with your son about friendships and then in a neutral, non-confrontational manner tell your 'friend' that her behaviour is weird to say the least and that it needs to stop. Don't mention that it looks like grooming, let her come to that conclusion. Just say that he is too young to be discussing girlfriends with older women and that you would like to be copied on any future e-mails. Then withdraw from her.

Shonajoy · 09/11/2013 10:50

This woman is dangerous. My neighbour was very similar and ended up making sexual advances to my son when he was 18- she had known him since he was nine. Follow your gut NO parent should be alright with their friend having ANY secrets with your kids, I learned the hard way.
If he had been any younger I'd have had her arrested, he didn't tell me till a year later.

springytick · 09/11/2013 11:13

This doesn't sound right. From a british perspective, imo her motive is not good - especially as she is underming you and your parenting. She should have informed you from the off that she was emailing your son and asked your permission. I also doubt very much that their intimate convos were instigated by him. So I would say it could be a sort of grooming, definitely. NOt necessarily sexual (please God) but definitely not right at all from a british perspective.

My (british) son is gorgeous (not biased!) and all my friends drooled over him from when he was very young. I didn't like that at all and told them to STFU. Your son has developed young but, as you say, his mind is still 12.

It may be cultural, however, as you are not in blighty. What sort of culture do you live in? It may be an idea to explore that side of things.

springytick · 09/11/2013 11:15

A friend's son had a sexual relationship with my friend's friend when he was 15. The 'friendship' started when he was approx 12 but didn't develop into a sexual relationship until he was 15. She was a predator. My friend sees that now but didn't until it was too late

MrsWedgeAntilles · 09/11/2013 11:23

I think Firesidechat has it right.

I knew a mum like this when I was a teenager. I never felt comfortable confiding in her and I don't think many of my pals were either but she asked questions all the time. She'd then drop things into conversation with my mum that were subtly twisted from the guarded answers I'd given and so sounded a lot more significant. There was always this kind of subtext that I'd told her and not my mum because she was a much cooler, better mum than mine. I think I saw through her when I was about 14 or 15 but she'd caused a fair bit of trouble by then.

It was never sexual. As far as I could see she just wanted to make herself feel like she was a better mum than anyone else but it made me feel very uncomfortable. Just because of that I think you need to look into this.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 09/11/2013 11:34

There were two women, friends of my mums, who I did feel comfortable going to when I was a teenager. The big difference with these women and the woman in my last post was that they always advised me to talk to my mum and often helped me work out how to do that. Both of them were also very clear that if I didn't tell my folks my troubles they would. This did happen once but was handled so sensitively that it made me trust them more.
I'm well into my 30s now and sadly one of these ladies has passed away but the other is still very much in my life and I'm very proud to call her my friend.

phantomnamechanger · 09/11/2013 11:48

I would not like this at all, in fact my sister is a bit like this with my DC - she has no kids herself, but has worked many years with kids and thinks she knows best - I AM THEIR PARENT. She is always telling me to lighten up, and does it in front of them so she is the cool auntie and I am the strict bossy mum. I know she means well, and there is nothing sinister in it at all. I would be happy for them to confide in her if there was something they felt they could not come to me with, BUT, I would expect her to have the good sense, and courtesy, to tell me immediately of anything significant. First rule of safeguarding - never tell a child you can keep a secret!

Any reasonable adult is well aware of the dangers of being accused of grooming etc, and of putting themselves in a position where an emotionally immature teen can get a crush and make false allegations about them. Emailing a friends child without their knowledge is weird, and from the sound of it its not like she has been a family friend for years either.

MeMySonAndI · 09/11/2013 12:45

You know, this could be as easy to solve as to telling her you don't really like her emailing your 12 year old. That you understand she wants to be supportive but doing it under the "private nature" of emails is making you feel very uneasy about the whole thing.

This may help her realise the behaviour is not appropriate, and even scare her out of it. If she insists and try to put your child against you, then is the time to have a word with your child and warn him about the risks of grooming (and the time to tell her to leave both you and your child alone)

sweetpieandpeas · 09/11/2013 14:12

Just because it is a female messaging a male child it is 'worrying' yet should it be a male messaging the child it would have no bearing and i bet no one would be concerned. No one is concerned over my contact with an 11 year old girl. I text my friends daughter here and there. Infact she was the one who text me with her number when she got her mobile phone and I use it for things like sending her good luck messages for her first day at high school, sporting events, asking her if there is anything she would like for Xmas etc. She sometimes texts and asks if her and her mum can come to visit...I think it is more a novelty that she has a phone and finds an excuse to text rather than her mum. She also knows that she can talk to me about things she might find difficult to talk to her mum about. If my friend had any issue with me contacting her daughter then I would be very offended. Not all adults are sniffing out children to take them back to their lair. Some are providing a mature ear for a friends child when they want it.

Doinmummy · 09/11/2013 14:19

Sweetpie I think it absolutely would have a bearing if the person emailing was a man. Probably more so I reckon.

Branleuse · 09/11/2013 14:20

i dont particularly see a problem here. Maybe im missing something??

Do you feel shes being a bit mrs robinson?

ExcuseTypos · 09/11/2013 14:25

I would read the emails and decide from there what to do next.

I must say though, that at 12, however physically mature, I'd really not like someone advising my son on how to ask a girl out. It shouldn't be that serious at 12 years old.

FryOneFatManic · 09/11/2013 14:30

I think it's all about the context of the emails.

I'd be okay with an adult emailing my child, if they were trusted, and if I knew the emailing was going on right from the start.

In this case, the OP's DS had been emailing with the friend "for a bit" without being aware of it, and I'd also be concerned that the friend is apparently offering a 12 yr old boy advice on asking girls out.

Naive at best, and inappropriate, I'd say. I'd be looking at the content of the emails and would not be happy if it was a case of the friend instigating the email exchange.

poopinthebin · 09/11/2013 14:31

sweetpie you are totally wrong, and I'm glad it's not my 11 year old you are messaging.

OP, I think that this is probably not something dodgy, but it is inappropriate, even if not in a sexual way, and I'd be checking the e-mails and then having a chat with my son if I were you.

FeisMom · 09/11/2013 14:33

I have facebook messaged DS' friend (my friends sons), and would have no problem with the reverse happening.

That said, they are 15, the messages were arranging for the lads to go paintballing / birthday present suggestions for their Mums etc, so a very different context.

OP this would have tingled my spidey senses a bit

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