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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be slightly weirded out that my friend is emailing my 12yo son.

138 replies

CoolStoryBro · 09/11/2013 01:06

Right, this is my first AIBU so please go easy!

I met my friend for lunch earlier and, during the conversation, we ended up talking about my 12 yo. He is physically very mature (we're talking 6 ft, full puberty, etc) but emotionally a regular 12 year old.

Anyway, in this conversation, she asked me how he was getting on with his new girlfriend. I laughed as a) I didn't know he had a new girlfriend and b) he's flipping 12! At this point, she got a little earnest with me and said I needed to talk to him more.

Now, I think my son and I have a pretty good relationship, with waaaaaaay more laughs than arguments but, OF COURSE, we argue at times. He's 12 and I'm his mum.

So, I asked what she meant and she said that they had been emailing for a bit and he had told her he was interested in a girl and she had been giving him some suggestions on how to ask her out.

Now, I'm all for teenagers having another adult to sound out to, but he's not even a teenager yet. He's 12. SO AIBU to be slightly annoyed that this was the first I'd heard of it and it's a bit, I dunno, odd?

OP posts:
Original poster
CoolStoryBro · 09/11/2013 02:06

Chipping In that case, can you give me Risk lessons? It was the first time we had ever played it and it's now all set up, I didn't understand the rules and he got bored and went to bed! :grin: WTF is that game all about?!

So, firstly, I was never intending to suggest it was a sexual thing at all. The only reason I mentioned that he was going through full puberty is that an awful lot of 12 year old boys aren't. An offshoot of it all is, because he is still emotionally so immature, he has a tendency to "run away". IE, we say. "If you don't do your homework, then you don't get to play on the XBOX." And we get a 6 ft 12 year old declaring, "I'm running away!" This school year, however, he's really improved on that.

We have only known her for a year and they live on our street. She has two children of her own.

I have access to his email and we do keep an eye on it. But, tbh, it never crossed my mind that my own friend would be emailing him. I do feel kind of weirded out that she is giving him advice. If it was my sisters or my best friend of 100 years, then I would be fine with it (in fact I encourage that) as I know that the advice given would be related to the family dynamic.

That said, we live thousand of miles away from our family and perhaps he needs someone who's not his mum to talk to?

OP posts:
IfIDontKnowAndYouDontKnow · 09/11/2013 02:13

I wouldn't be very happy about this. My DS1 is 11yrs.

I wonder, given your update, how this began, you have only known her a year. If this was my DS I don't think he would think to email a new neighbor. Perhaps one of my long term friends, but not this.

IamChristmas · 09/11/2013 02:14

If you have access to his email have you had a look now to see what's been said?

AgentZigzag · 09/11/2013 02:19

Whether she initiated contact or the lad did, she should have been the adult and acted in an appropriate way.

Keeping it a secret from his parents isn't appropriate. Even if he asked her to, she should have been straight and said she can't.

Becoming his agony aunt before slipping the information she knows into a casual conversation isn't OK.

Nor is telling you how to parent your own son.

Hate to do it, but if it was a bloke and and my 13 YO DD I would be raging/worried what would have happened if I hadn't found out.

IfIDontKnowAndYouDontKnow · 09/11/2013 02:30

And what Agentigzag said.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 09/11/2013 02:39

No yanbu - very inappropriate. Definitely weird. I would also be v suspicious of your post (considering the trolling we've had recently) if I didn't recognise your user name - which means it is all very wrong indeed.

I would want to read the emails - without necessarily interrogating son first - and then be having serious words with 'friend'.

Sorry, this has weirded me out on a personal level, as I have a very gorgeous 11yr old son, who, friends have told me, their (few years older) teenage daughters have gone slightly silly about.

Definitely tackle this op - without any anger towards your son. (not that I'm accusing you, or saying that you might you know what I mean)/ Good luck to you.

Bogeyface · 09/11/2013 02:47

As agent said, how would you react if it was a man emailing your 12 year old DD?

AgentZigzag · 09/11/2013 02:53

'without any anger towards your son'

Definitely agree with that (also not suggesting you would be like that OP), the lad has done nothing wrong, at all.

He's a child.

Maybe it's never entered the friends head that she's done anything wrong, but it's come so close to looking like grooming that she should really be made aware of how inappropriate she's been.

I don't like to bring this up Cool, or be very explicit because this is your lad we're talking about, but I think you should look very carefully at the wording of the emails and how they're constructed.

Hopefully it's totally innocent, but if she's trying to draw him in to talking about certain subjects, or introducing him/explaining things she really shouldn't be, then you'll know where the situation stands.

You as an adult will be able to see what undercurrents are there (if any) that would go over the head of a 12 YO.

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/11/2013 03:32

My children often communicate with my friends BUT I know exactly what is being said (apart from one friend whose so trusted she knows she's the trusted go to adult when mums not wanted).

There is not a chance that any of my kids could email anyone without me knowing,you really need to step up your Internet supervision.

Did you tell her it made you quite uncomfortable?

themaltesefalcon · 09/11/2013 04:07

I agree with those who urge you to see those emails, OP.

Lavenderhoney · 09/11/2013 04:38

I would have said right there " can I see the emails?" If I knew she had a smart phone and has access all the time.

I find it odd you don't know he has a special friend who is a girl- girlfriend seems too grown up a description for that age. Who is he spending time with who could fit that description- could it be her? And saying you need to talk to him more- why didn't you say " you tell me NOW what you are talking about?" What vocabulary is he using on email?

Does she often babysit your ds alone and would be able to get into a discussion with a 12 year old about girlfriends and relationship issues?

And how did she get his email, and does he have lots of time on the computer or iPad without supervison?

Its nice for a child to have another trusted adult. I am an expat and I encourage the dc to talk to their teacher. I would not encourage them to speak to a neighbour.

PoppyAmex · 09/11/2013 05:02

"Its nice for a child to have another trusted adult. I am an expat and I encourage the dc to talk to their teacher. I would not encourage them to speak to a neighbour."

I agree, absolutely great they have people outside the family they can approach if they so feel inclined, but I'd make damn sure those people had my full trust.

I'd read the emails asap too, OP.

EugenesAxe · 09/11/2013 05:09

Just interested in the country, whether she is a native and therefore whether there's a slightly different cultural attitude there to things like this. I would never initiate an email in this way (or if I did I'd cc. or bcc. the parents) and if I'd had an email I would almost certainly share this fact immediately with parents.

Agree you need to look at emails.

Cerisier · 09/11/2013 05:23

You definitely need to see the emails. It might all be innocent but it certainly sounds odd.

I don't know if I would have thought to ask my friend to see the emails straight away, but Lavenderhoney is spot on with her assessment in my opinion.

Retroformica · 09/11/2013 07:51

If she was a close family friend and almost aunt like, it's fine as long as you can trust her to give good advice. Think of her as an adoptive godmother.

I wouldn't mention to your son that you know they have been emailing unless you have alarm bells ringing. Do you think he is vulnerable in this situation?

Retroformica · 09/11/2013 07:53

Could be totally fine and supportive to him or could be grooming

wamabama · 09/11/2013 08:31

Hmph, this is a tough one.

I know when I was at school at about 13 my friend had a friend of her Mum's helping her out via email because she was gay as was the friend so she was supporting her. Nothing sinister about it but my friend didn't feel ready to come out to her Mum so the friend didn't say anything.

It's a difficult time as we all know and sometimes your parents are the last people you want to turn to. You can find yourself turning to really random adults for comfort, I found support in my former history teacher which could have been viewed as wrong but it was 100% innocent. The fact she told you about the emails, however that came out, signals to me that their isn't anything sinister here. I'm fairly certain if grooming was going on she wouldn't want anyone knowing because it's fairly obvious you're going to access them.

Speak to your son and just mention that she'd said the two of them had been emailing and was there anything he wanted to talk to you about. Check the emails as well but I feel almost certain this is innocent.

wamabama · 09/11/2013 08:33

Used the wrong their, I meant there. Blush sleep deprived

MeMySonAndI · 09/11/2013 08:46

I really don't know if this is correct or not, especially at these times when we all seem to communicate via internet more than face to face.

But it is well know that every child gets to a point during teenage when they don't want to discuss things with their parents and look for advice from other people that they trust..

I think that is lucky he has decided to confide in one of your friends, as at least is someone that you trust, and is happy to talk to you if she is concerned about your child.

I know you may find it off for your child choosing to talk to someone other than you about important stuff, but unfortunately, that's part and parcel of being a teenager.

DorothyBastard · 09/11/2013 09:07

Without knowing the contents of the emails/who initiated contact it's difficult to say, but the fact that you've only known her a year makes me feel pretty uncomfortable.

ohshitimlate · 09/11/2013 09:19

I wouldn't like it, a friend's 11 year old ds sent a friend request on fb and I have ignored it then checked with her she knows he has fb. I've only known her a year, met him a handful of times and felt it would be inappropriate.

Pigsmummy · 09/11/2013 09:23

If you have access to his emails how have you not noticed? Before doing anything I would have a look at emails to get context before saying anything to DS.

Mumsyblouse · 09/11/2013 09:23

I wouldn't be emailing any teenage boys myself under any circumstances, just not appropriate unless you were say a very close auntie. How did she get the email/vice versa? If you have only known her a year, then you simply don't know her well enough. It may be a friendly ear to your son, or it may be more sinister, but the point is that it is odd to do this and that rings alarm bells. She may see herself giving out sisterly advice, but you don't want your son running away to her house/alternative place to live emerging when you don't know her well, and she is already setting herself up as the wiser better mother character in this situation (extremely cheeky to suggest you listen more to your son).

Taz1212 · 09/11/2013 09:28

I think it's Ok that your son wants to speak to someone other than his parents about interest in a girl. My DS is 11 and went through a very brief "Oooh I might be interested in a girl!" phase at the start of the school year. It lasted all of 2 weeks but during that period I was sworn to secrecy- not to tell DH! Definitely not! Which I completely ignored but swore DH to secrecy as well. Blush

However, I think your friend should have told you from the very start that they were emailing. He's 12! Still a child!

birdybear · 09/11/2013 09:33

you say you have access to his emails. haven't you seen them then !? it is hard to comment any further until you explain what has been said in the emails, by both parties.