Or is dh quite right to refuse to take dd and her friend (age 6) to swimming lessons

[tinyshinyanddon]

Trying to work out an alternate week car pool with my neighbor to take dd and her friend to swimming lessons. Friends mum would take them one week, dh the next, etc. they would need some help changing and would use the boys locker room with dh. Dh would not need to change himself just help the kids. Facility is for kids only so no random grown ups wandering around. Dh refuses saying he would be "uncomfortable" helping dds friend. I was just trying to make life easier for him so he didn't have to take dd every week. AIBU or dh?

It's not terribly difficult. You bung the small mob of little girls into the changing area, stand outside and whenever the giggling reaches a peak crack the door and loudly threaten to throw in a tear gas grenade if they don't get a shift on and get changed.

I actually had a resprayed tomato puree tin with 'TEAR GAS: Extra Horrible Strength' Stencilled on it and a keyring epoxied to the top in case one of 'em ever called my bluff, but they never did.

They help each other, all you have to do is remind 'em to do buddy checks and arbitrate the inevitable rows.

You bung the small mob of little girls into the changing area, stand outside and whenever the giggling reaches a peak crack the door and loudly threaten to throw in a tear gas grenade if they don't get a shift on and get changed.. Kisses, have you served in the forces?

I haven't, but there were some definite periods of mis-spent youth back in the day.

'and I don't think it's unusual for a young 6yo to need a bit of help in the changing room. Kids develop differently and there's a big range of normal for 6yo IMO'

exactly Greensleeves. But parents do assume that just because their own children can do something, that other parents are doing something wrong if their children find something harder.

If the father in question doesn't want to take the responsibility of looking after someone else's child, then he shouldn't be forced to. I would be furious if my dh insisted I took anotherchild without my agreement.

Yabu yes if they did need help it would put your dh in an embarrassing position.

If its a short trip home. I would leave cossie on roughly dry them, stick a tracksuit on them and throw into the car. Then they can get sorted at home. Solves the problem.

I think it is quite unusual for a six year old to need help in the changing room, actually. They can usually manage a pair of pants, trousers and a top quite adequately.

I'd go with Kisses' solution.

Woowoo would you say the same about a mum taking her son and his male friend swimming?

Thanks for all the opinions. A little more info:
No I can't take them as I work that day, dh is off.
Dd has just turned 6, her friend is 5.
Dh will have to bring 2 younger siblings along (3y and 7m) - not something I would relish doing and I'm pretty organised. Dh less so.
No parents stay to watch the lesson. There's a waiting area upstairs. That's just the way they to do it.
I haven't even checked in with dds friend yet. This was just a 2 min conversation before bed and dhs attitude surprised me. So I'm not trying to micromanage him, it was just a hypothetical (but could be arranged) situation

You would think, but that is the way it works.I suppose there could be older girls getting changed in there, or evn swimming teachers

or, presumably, older boys and male teachers in the boys' rooms?

Not great, I would have thought

I think DH would be a bit reluctant to do this as well.

He is fine with DS's pals but feels a bit uncomfortable around girls, clearly not for any sinister reasons, but because of what people might think.

If your DH is happy to do the swim run every week, then let him, or if not then maybe go with some of the options above, so other girl arrives in costume already and makes it really easy to get changed options.

It distresses me that we live in an age of such paranoia, and where all men are assumed to be inherently dangerous.

Yes, yes, I know not all people think this way, but enough do that men now have to "protect themselves" from any possible accusation and society in general behaves as if we are all monsters.

Rant over.

Well I'm not so sure it's down to modern paranoia.

In the olden days there were much less childrens classes so it may not have arisen, plus the ferrying may very much have been seen as a woman's job so this wouldn't have arisen. I don't recall my DF being involved in any aspect of my swimming lessons at all.

He shouldn't have to feel that way, but I can totally understand why he does, and I'm not sure I'd feel any differently if I were him. And separately to that issue, as a mother I wouldn't be happy if my female children were asked to use the mens changing rooms. I don't know why, and I appreciate it's irrational, but I just wouldn't.

Personally, I'd prefer to go weekly with 2 children. Fortnightly with 4 children is much more nightmarish in my opinion. No thanks! HINBU.

If it makes him feel at all uncomfortable he shouldn't do it.

My ex takes our 6yo DD and her friend and they do use the men's facilities. It's all children at that time so no adults changing, but for ex to go into the ladies with the girls might well make some of the older girls feel uncomfortable.

He is NBU.

Like it or not, it is sensible for a man to 'protect' himself nowadays.

Df was once awfully humiliated at soft play by some psycho shouting at him that how dare he 'touch her child'...after witnessing df lifting her 3 year old dd into the ball pit when asked by her (and no parent visible). The way she was saying it had all sorts of terrible connotations. It's not 'paranoia' anymore...situations like this DO happen.

I wouldn't be happy at all for df to be responsible for getting a non-related young girl changed. It just takes one innocent word from a child to be misinterpreted or a psycho parent and that's it.

I agree totally with ceebie! The 2 younger siblings in the mix would mean I absolutely 100% agree with your DH. I was going to say he could do it but only if the little girl could get herself dressed alone but that was when I thought he just had 2 children to keep an eye on.

My DD is 5 and after swimming still needs help getting properly dry, putting her tights on (admitted we could change her out of uniform before going), getting her wet costume off etc. She could just about manage without help but it would take her an age and might involve bringing a still wet child home on a cold evening. I really couldn't ask a friend's dad to deal with that.

Noooo - your heart is in the right place - but I wouldn't be happy with a car pool like this.

Other people's kids make everything much harder. They need to be handled with kid gloves: find baffling things upsetting ; interfere in carefully established sibling truces; can't be threatened or punished; have to be very conservative in you proxy-parent choices.

My 5 year old DS went to a friend. Went to the loo. Didn't come back. Was found standing there, trying to clean poo out of his pants with his hands. Imagine our DH dealing with that in a strange child, in a public place, plus your DD, plus baby, plus toddler - plus the DDs mum in due course.

Why not do intensive holiday swim courses instead? These are generally morning times - which means that everyone is fresher - and there is a crèche available.

I took 3 (mine) with similar age gaps.

I don't think you have to be particularly organised to do it.

I did this too. (In fact worse - 4DC & 3 lessons)

There was a lot of judgement required - and much chocolate & ipAd dispensed.

Another child would have been hell.

What did help was getting known by the other mums - so that they could alert me when DD got upset in gym etc.

I am usually not at all alarmist, but I think it's important that your DhH's wishes are respected. There are lots of false accusations/breakdowns in communications and your DH could find his life ruined. I don't blame him not wanting to be part of this.

My DH once picked up a little girl in the park who had gone flying, flat on her face.
The mother came up shrieking from some distance away because he had touched her fully dressed, apparently alone, hurt and frightened child.

He wont do that again.