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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is dh quite right to refuse to take dd and her friend (age 6) to swimming lessons

90 replies

tinyshinyanddon · 08/11/2013 02:40

Trying to work out an alternate week car pool with my neighbor to take dd and her friend to swimming lessons. Friends mum would take them one week, dh the next, etc. they would need some help changing and would use the boys locker room with dh. Dh would not need to change himself just help the kids. Facility is for kids only so no random grown ups wandering around. Dh refuses saying he would be "uncomfortable" helping dds friend. I was just trying to make life easier for him so he didn't have to take dd every week. AIBU or dh?

OP posts:
5madthings · 08/11/2013 07:47

Giles I agree its very sad :(

From mine and my dps pov his thoughts were that he thinks its fine but would be worried about what others think.

My dp works in a child protection care setting, one malicious report could gave very serious consequences with his job.

LifeofPo · 08/11/2013 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixonBainbridge · 08/11/2013 07:59

Sorry but I don't think he's BU. When my DW invited friends children over, especially girls, I wouldn't change them, dress them etc as Firstly I didn't feel comfortable doing it - because they only have to say to their mum "Dixon saw me undress" or similar & the parents could get the wrong end of the stick totally and Secondly because DW had invited the sprogs over, thus indicating to the parents that she would be in charge of them.

WooWooOwl · 08/11/2013 08:03

If your DH is uncomfortable with it then that's up to him. It's his choice, and it's not up to anyone else to tell him whether he's being unreasonable or not.

It's sad that he feels this way, but it's not something he can be blamed for.

2rebecca · 08/11/2013 08:09

If he's the one expected to drive his daughter to and from swimming then it should be up to him whether or not he joins a car pool. It's not clear why you are trying to organise your husband's life for him. if you're taking the kids you sort out how you do it, if he's taking them then you should leave it to him and get on with your own stuff.
I wouldn't want my husband dumping things on me that he had "organised". He's free to organise his life, mine is my own. I married because I wanted a husband, not a social secretary.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 08/11/2013 08:15

Well quite, Rebecca - if his life is easier taking DD every week rather than car pooling and having two one week none the next, that's up to him.

Also, he might want to go every week!

Retroformica · 08/11/2013 08:24

A 6 year old can get ready with put help.

Retroformica · 08/11/2013 08:26

Without help that meant to say.

SilverApples · 08/11/2013 08:29

What help do you foresee them needing, OP?
Track suits will negate a lot of the problems, and will help if they are still a bit damp due to inadequate drying.

babywipesaremagic · 08/11/2013 08:38

At 6 they shouldn't need any help getting changed, my boys (5 and 3) get changed on their own every week when we go swimming.

I don't think he is being U at all though, if OH offered for me to watch someone else's kids without asking I would be annoyed.

It's up to him if he feels comfortable with the other child, I wouldn't take another child out to a potentially dangerous environment (busy pool, car park) unless I knew for sure that the kid would listen to me and do as they were told. If he is not usually in charge of playdates this could be one of his worries.

sunbathe · 08/11/2013 08:56

If he's happy taking dd by himself, why do you want to change things, op?

I enjoyed taking mine every week and seeing how they'd progressed. Maybe he feels the same.

Joysmum · 08/11/2013 09:05

I agree with the others. My hubby would feel uncomfortable too.

I've always enjoyed taking DD to swimming lessons and watching her progress, hubby would have liked to too if work had allowed and not seen it as something to get out of. If he had, I'd have asked him if he wanted to sort out a car pool agreement.

Greensleeves · 08/11/2013 09:14

My dh is very hands-on and runs groups and activities for children, and he wouldn't do this. In fact he points out that if he were to do this as a group leader on a swimming trip he would be breaking the safeguarding policy of most if not all organisations.

Your dh INBU.

Greensleeves · 08/11/2013 09:15

and I don't think it's unusual for a young 6yo to need a bit of help in the changing room. Kids develop differently and there's a big range of normal for 6yo IMO

2rebecca · 08/11/2013 09:24

Also if he doesn't spend alot of time with his daughter (and I'm presuming this is the case as I can't see why you'd be getting involved in the swimming arrangements otherwise) then he may enjoy spending time alone with her on the way to and from the lesson. If a friend is there she'll be chatting to the friend not her dad and he just becomes a chauffeur and misses out on the chat.

Mumsyblouse · 08/11/2013 09:26

My husband wasn't allowed to help my girls from the age of 6, so they had to change themselves, the 6 year old helping the 4 year old. By some miracle, they managed just fine, came out with all their stuff, did swimming and then redressed themselves. I was amazed but they coped better than I expected, and the female members of staff would go in if there was a problem so there was always a back up.

CaptainSweatPants · 08/11/2013 09:29

'I was just trying to make life easier for him so he didn't have to take dd every week'

I just butt out if I were you
Leave him be

irregularegular · 08/11/2013 09:34

I think that if he's the one doing the swimming lesson run then it's up to him if he prefers to just do it every week.
On the other hand, I do think there is something very wrong if a father can't supervise his 6 yr old daughter's friend getting changed, for fear of other people thinking there was something odd going on.
Would the objectors also feel uncomfortable with a mother supervising a 6 yr old boy in a similar situation? I suspect not...

CMOTDibbler · 08/11/2013 09:44

At 6 they'll be fine - I'd be taking them in swimming costumes under onesies, then pants and onesies on the way back anyway.

But maybe your dh fancies a bit of time of him and dd around swimming, rather than just ferrying?

intitgrand · 08/11/2013 09:49

I can understand your DH feeling uncomfortable and his feelings need to be respected.
I think people should note that it is most likely to be mums with their kids at that time of day.There are likely to be few dads accompanying their offspring, and your DH must not put himself in a situation where he is the only adult with this girl getting changed.He would be leaving himself wide open.

intitgrand · 08/11/2013 09:50

At my DDs swimming lessons which are for 6+ NO parents are allowed in the changing room

BuntyPenfold · 08/11/2013 09:50

If 6 year olds can't get themselves dressed, then they need to practise at home, until they can.
They are more likely to lose stuff leaving it behind in my experience, your DH could check this.

There may be more to it, my DH is very uncomfortable with one of ds friends because she is too familiar and tries to climb on him.

Beastofburden · 08/11/2013 09:53

Why the boys' locker room? why not the girls'?

Surely it's about the children, not about the adult who is with them?

intitgrand · 08/11/2013 09:58

You would think, but that is the way it works.I suppose there could be older girls getting changed in there, or evn swimming teachers

MusicalEndorphins · 08/11/2013 10:07

I know when I was 6, I would have not wanted a man around when I was changing. I don't think your dh is being unreasonable at all.