Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to warn you that you may have to prove your dc is actually your dc if you have a different surname

115 replies

ShhhhNewName · 06/11/2013 22:37

Name change for this as I've written about it publicly as me...if that makes sense?

dd (11) has my xp's surname, we were never married. I married my dh last year and I took his surname. We have travelled quite a bit with dd and I have often wondered what the powers that be in border control make of it, especially pre-marriage when all three of us had different surnames.

But apart from one time coming back to the UK on a flight from Spain, it has never been raised as an issue. Even then they just asked how dd was related and I said, she's my dd Hmm

Returning from France a couple of weeks ago, we were stopped at border control and questioned much more thoroughly. We were trying to board a ferry and dd was questioned as to how she was related to us. I was asked to prove myself by showing documents that connected dd to me as her mother. I couldn't produce them. Luckily as dd is 11 she was able to answer numerous questions such as DOBs of her parents, where they were born, other places she'd travelled, so we were ok and dd is a bit of a performer and just thought it was all a bit of an adventure.

We were given a leaflet which explained that due to tightening of regulations, children with a different name to their guardians would be questioned in this way should documents not be available and that should there be a problem proving parentage, travel may be refused and relevant authorities called.

Although I thought it was odd that we didn't have these checks when leaving the country (which may have been more pertinent) I didn't feel singled out or distressed, neither did dh or dd. The lady was very nice and professional blah blah.

I'm warning you because a younger child or a child with special needs might be distressed by this situation and indeed might not be able to answer relevant questions.

I'm not thrilled about carrying even more documents around (I'm always worried I'll lose the passports) but I do think it makes sense and I don't mind hold ups if they make our children safer. However I think it's definitely something that should be made more public and that families ought to be aware of before they travel.

PS. This happened when travelling by ferry, so I'm not sure whether it applies when travelling by plane.

OP posts:
Minnieisthedevilmouse · 07/11/2013 08:12

I'm surprised there is surprise. Surely there SHOULD be questions?! Frankly I think there should be.

Personally were I not married then dd would have had my name not DP but I suppose that gets complicated as could double barrel. Not easy to solve but to my mind heading in right direction.

deepfriedsage · 07/11/2013 08:13

I have the same name, and was married we must appear dodgy as we always get loads of security checks and questions, they pull bag contents out the lot. I think they just go for single mums.

MsGee · 07/11/2013 08:18

I was warned about this last year. Married to DH and have DD who has her dads name (I've kept my own surname). Although we tend to travel together I was warned last year that if I want to travel alone with her I would need proof that she is my daughter (passport control mentioned it).

I'm planning to change my passport (and only this) to my married name. I worry that in the case of an emergency I'd have extra hassle.

ArbitraryUsername · 07/11/2013 08:32

US passport control have been doing this for at least a decade. I travelled there with DS1 when he was about 4. Took a (pointless) letter from his father along with me. Nonetheless, the official decided that he was going to question DS1 to determine my relationship to him.

It went as follows:

Official: (Mispronunciation of DS1's name), who have you brought with you today?

DS1 thinks, then dives into his bag for his cuddly toy and proudly shows it to the man.

Official decides to change tack, so points to me and says: (mispronunciation of DS1's name) who is this?

Being 4, and having just got off a long flight, DS1 was in no mood for nonsense. He just gave the official the most disgusted look of 'exactly what kind of stupid question is that?' And utterly refused to dignify the question with an answer.

They did let us through, but I did think that only at 4 can you get away with showing your disgust at the whole borders process. I'd've been in very big trouble if I'd given the official the same look.

I also thought: if I was going to abduct him. I'd have taken him somewhere where they weren't guaranteed to send me straight back. The USA wouldn't have been my first choice.

ArbitraryUsername · 07/11/2013 08:34

In contrast, my mum has never been questioned taking DS1 abroad. Nor needed a letter from me. She doesn't share a surname with him either. And she's taken him to places like Sudan and Ethiopia.

MisguidedHamwidge · 07/11/2013 08:56

minimonty - that's quite interesting. We've recently travelled with our four children &, thinking about it now, there were a lot of people chatting us/the children at the airport on the way in and out.

I thought that the security staff were being unusually friendly, as well as at passport control where he was asking each child their name Smile

sashh · 07/11/2013 08:56

It seems a bit silly in the days of biometric passports that this sort of information is not included in a passport.

Going on holiday with a friend I can understand a letter, but for permanent information carrying a bit of paper seems a bit, well not very high tech.

I'm not surprised at anyone being allowed to travel between Spain and France without a passport, you don't need one.

Thatisall · 07/11/2013 08:58

Erm theodorus who is outraged?? Way to put words into people's mouths!

thistlelicker · 07/11/2013 09:09

Sometimes people can't win.... Either too strict or too lapse! Personally would rather too strict

Lovecat · 07/11/2013 09:12

We were stopped at Gare Du Nord going back to the UK in the summer and I was asked what the relationship between me and DD was, in a mildly suspicious manner. We share the same surname (admittedly she is blonde and I am dark, but still!) and as soon as the passport control guy realised this he waved us through.

My sister, standing next to me in the queue, totally different surname on her passport to her DD (also blonde where she is dark), saw a different security person and wasn't questioned at all! Confused

Obviously I look a bit dodgy... Wink

BadgerBumBag · 07/11/2013 09:16

This happened to me last month leaving Palms airport. Dp went through controls then I went with dd (2.10) and was stopped. Luckily dp was there with the same surname otherwise I would probably not have been allowed to leave with her.

I had no idea this could happen! Birth certificates at the ready next time

Damnautocorrect · 07/11/2013 09:19

Whilst I agree its great that they are doing something, I can't help thinking 'so is it only the parent with a different surname that abducts?'

BerkshireMum · 07/11/2013 09:29

My parents and sister are taking my DC on holiday next summer and I've been wondering what proof of permission they need from me and DH. Was hoping a letter signed by us both would be enough?

annielosthergun · 07/11/2013 09:39

Where I live, if leaving the country on your own with DC you may be asked to provide a notarised letter of permission from the other parent (expensive and a faff). Not every time but I know two people who were caught out last summer and missed flights. I think it's excellent - but should be consistently applied so you never try to chance it!

AnneEyhtMeyer · 07/11/2013 09:41

DD (4) always gets asked loads of questions at border control despite having the same surname as all of us. She loves it. She keeps chatting away until they have to shoo her away. She even kept US border control talking about her handbag for nearly 5 minutes.

beachhut · 07/11/2013 10:57

Am finding this discussion fascinating.

Is it an unintended consequence of them taking away the 'link' between child and parent by not letting you have your child on your passport?

Presumably done to raise additional revenue from all those 5 year only passports?

BlingBang · 07/11/2013 11:02

Don't think I've ever been questioned and flown alone with my kids about 30 or so times. Have same surname but could be ravelling without fathers consent.

raisah · 07/11/2013 11:31

Thanks for letting me know. I didnt change my name when I got.married so have a different surname to my dc & dh.

Lamu · 07/11/2013 12:15

I've also been stopped several times on entering the US and Canada. On one occasion Dd was 6 months, very cranky and due a feed after a long flight. I was held for nearly an hour. Granted we don't look alike, she was so fair as a baby she barely looked mixed race and we dont share the same name. Eventually I started getting hysterical angry they eventually let us through.

Fakebook · 07/11/2013 12:21

DH was asked how he was related to dd when he took her with him to visit family in the Middle East alone over a year ago. She was 4. I think they also asked her where her mum was and she told them "at home with my baby" Grin. It wasn't a big interview, just general chit chat at border control. They didn't ask anything at Heathrow.

Cherriesarered · 07/11/2013 12:27

I was questioned by Passport control at Birmingham airport. I was asked what relation I was to the children. They have DH surname. I use maiden name. I laughed and said "can't you tell I'm their mother!". But I'm glad they asked and I think I will take my marriage certificate if I'm travelling alone with them.

LeMatin · 07/11/2013 12:34

We've had similar issues at French border control, and our children have the same last name as both DH and I. We travel extensively and live abroad, and have had more problems at channel ferry ports than anywhere else in the world! DH has some fairly "interesting" stamps in his passport as his work regularly sends him off the beaten track, and we always wondered if this was why we had issues, so it's interesting to see that others are having similar experiences.

My favourite incident was when the French border police asked my newly 3 year old son to confirm his full name, including middle names. Amazingly he could (we were very surprised!), and ever since we have always taught our children their full names from tiny.

It's good though, on balance, that they are cautious.

tallulah · 07/11/2013 12:34

We went to France by Shuttle last year when DD was 5. Me, DH and DD have the same db surname and she was asked lots of questions about her holiday. I thought they were just being friendly (thought it was odd)

whatever5 · 07/11/2013 12:38

I have a different surname from my children and also noticed that this seemed to be an issue when we went on holiday last year. Ultimately it was fine as DH was nearby (he has the same surname) but I am outraged to think that I may have to get a letter from him if I ever want to go abroad with the children by myself. I think that if they want to tighten security then everyone should bring proof that they are the parent if they are travelling with children, not just those with a different surname.

loveinthemist · 07/11/2013 12:42

We were coming back to UK from France last year and the British border control (ferry terminal) spent ages examining our passports. We all share the same surname. He then stepped out of the kiosk and quizzed each child (4DC) individually about their names/ages etc. He got a bit flummoxed with our identical twins (!) coz obviously he couldn't tell from the passport photos which one was which!!

To be honest it was a bit intimidating for them and we didn't expect it at all. I guess it's good that they're being so thorough and we'll know what to expect when we travel abroad next summer. Took about 90 mins to get off the ferry and go through customs and it was a bit unfortunate that our youngest DS (then aged 4) was squirming around desperate for the loo!