to not make her a seperate meal?

[fairy1303]

DSD lives here full time.

She is currently having a massive meltdown because I have told her we are having... shock horror... CASSEROLE for dinner.

We have this about once a month, it's cheap, easy, healthy.
I know she doesn't like it.

I have said that is what we are having, no I won't make a seperate meal.
She is telling me not to serve her any. She doesn't want it. She is crying because she 'isn't allowed any dinner'. She has phoned MIL to tell her. She is about to phone my mum to tell her too. She has phoned daddy at work to tell him.

Now, I'm pretty strict. I'm also aware of the wsm stuff.

AIBU to say: that is what we are having. There will be nothing else?

Or am I being too hard on her?

She's 8

Silverten: I said what the OP did was OK, but the inflexible, negative attitude towards DSD wasn't. OP's original stance was that she wasn't going to offer any alternative. Then she decided to offer a sandwich, which was ok. Even better that it wasn't needed in the end. The OP felt as if she had "won" by showing up DSD's protests as nothing more than pointless noise, which she rightfully ignored.

You knew the child would like pizza, whereas OP knew that her DSD doesn't like casserole. That is a huge difference. Also, I imagine the pizza was far more "conventionally" attractive and palatable than the OP's casserole.

I do the pudding thing all the time. DD is a good and varied eater - but there are very few children that wouldn't rather eat sweet stuff instead of healthy stuff.

If DD is playing up and doesn't want to eat her tea I will quite happily say "Well if you are too full for dinner, then you are certainly too full for pudding" funnily enough she has never yet agreed with me, she always manages to eat up!

We once had a proper tantrum over stew, that finished with her saying she wasn't hungry, she felt sick and couldn't eat it.

I packed her off to bed (2 hours early) with "Oh my darling, I didn't realise you were sick, lets get you snuggled up in bed in case you get worse" About an hour later she said she was hungry. She asked for pudding but instead she got a plain ham sandwich and a kiss goodnight - nothing else. She didn't do it again.

Since she grew up a bit she's been able to tell me, sensibly and clearly that it isn't 'stew' that she doesn't like, but the fact that there is too much liquid with it - hence now she gets it served onto a plate via slotted spoon and she eats the lot with a smile. When she was just snotting and tantruming about it I wasn't going to listen - I don't listen to drama llamas.

"I used the word "battle" to describe a situation where many parents seem to feel they can't ever show "weakness", by being flexible, kind and inclusive, as doing so would be letting the child "win"."

Ah, ok. So basically you're characterising those parents who won't cook alternative meals for children who don't like what's on offer as 'unkind', 'inflexible' and 'not inclusive', despite the fact that they generally do offer an alternative (fruit, toast, a sandwich) and absolutely don't use force to get their children to eat?

That's fair. Not.

My nephews and nieces have no sensory issues btw. They've simply never been encouraged or expected to eat food they don't fancy, and a quick and usually bland alternative (a plate of chips, a bit of battered chicken, nuggets, frozen pizza) has always been offered.

Well we will have to disagree on your last paragraph, Toys. I don't read the OPs posts on the subject of how much the DSD didn't like the casserole, or the 'acceptability' of the casserole as you do at all.

I have never had it happen that they don't eat anything and expect pudding, because they know, since they were toddlers, that it is take it or leave it. It isn't something that I would discuss. I suppose that if they were not going to eat anything I would let them get down and they simply wouldn't be at the table for pudding. If they wanted to come back they would have the option of having the first course back.
I don't discuss it or cajole them into eating or praise them for eating it. A lot of it is nothing to do with food but is a power struggle that I am not playing. I take the emotion out of it. The food is there, take it or get down. If they are still at the table and have eaten some ,without making a huge issue then they get pudding. I gave them control in the first place by letting them help themselves from bowls.
(I didn't get there immediately, it was trial and error and the way that worked)
They are all adults, have left home and cook healthy food for themselves. One is a bit fussier, but he can eat out without being difficult or a problem guest.

"Ah, ok. So basically you're characterising those parents who won't cook alternative meals for children who don't like what's on offer as 'unkind', 'inflexible' and 'not inclusive', despite the fact that they generally do offer an alternative (fruit, toast, a sandwich) and absolutely don't use force to get their children to eat? "

No - only the ones who offer no alternatives at all.

"My nephews and nieces have no sensory issues btw. They've simply never been encouraged or expected to eat food they don't fancy, and a quick and usually bland alternative (a plate of chips, a bit of battered chicken, nuggets, frozen pizza) has always been offered."

I did say that is possible, in my earlier post. It doesn't mean that that is always the case. There are many factors at play. It's never very straight forward with things like this.

Also, I imagine the pizza was far more "conventionally" attractive and palatable than the OP's casserole.

I think you are going on your own likes and dislikes. I had a child to tea who wouldn't eat my pizza, but had wolfed down casserole the visit before and had seconds.

You're going by the likes and dislikes of that child. Overall I would say that pizza is a more popular and liked food than casserole.

Excellent. I'm 'unkind', 'inflexible' and 'not inclusive'.

Cheers.

BTW, DS would't eat either, but will try pizza.

So it's not the parents who won't cook alternatives it's those who don't offer them Toys ?

If I offer them but don't actually cook them am I OK?

I thought your child wasn't a fussy eater?

A lot of it is nothing to do with food but is a power struggle that I am not playing.

Spot on, Sandals.

Whatever works for you KungFu.

He is, YouTheCat. He is fussy about mixed textures and many "wet foods". He has been like this from 18 months when he started to refuse some things. He will, however, happily eat any veg or fruit raw. Lots of spicy things, like chili ryvita and raw chives from the garden, parmesan cheese, etc. I am working to get his already pretty healthy range wider. He chooses what new things he wants to try each day. It is an uphill struggle with mixed textures. I think those will take a while..

"A lot of it is nothing to do with food but is a power struggle that I am not playing."

If you are that sure! I assume the foods are ones they generally like.

They often just play mum or dad. My mother's friend often went to look after her grandchildren while her daughter was away and would get left a whole list of likes and dislikes, she just nodded and then completely ignored! The children ate it all quite happily and then went back to being fussy when mum arrived back, they knew that mum would cook exactly what she was asked!

Well no, you said not cooking did make you unkind but not offering it did. I'm well aware what works for me, I'm just wondering how you work out that offering but not cooking an alternative is flexible kind and inclusive?

Want some chips?
Yes please
Well I'm not cooking them....

Winner right there.

I never made pudding, surely a well cooked dinner is enough.
Not to say I don't have sweet afters if ds had wanted it.
He usually was happy with chocolate spread.

Ok, I'm off to do some work now, have spent enough time on this thread now..

If you are that sure! I assume the foods are ones they generally like.

Of course they are allowed a few genuine dislikes. e.g. one doesn't like cheese unless cooked, one doesn't like mushrooms and therefore I don't give it to them. They all have things they wouldn't choose if in a restaurant, but they are not in a restaurant and as a family, me included, you end up not having your firm favourites but having things you wouldn't choose on your own because they happen to be someone else's favourite or they happen to be cheap, nutritious and easy to cook!

KungFu, I'll just answer you there: Of course by not cooking, I mean a simple alternative, such as a side dish already cooked as part of the meal, like rice or a hunk of bread, an apple, a carrot, etc. So, no need for "extra" cooking.

You would say that chips wasn't one of the alternatives on offer that day. You might point out to them that they may have chips e.g. on Thursday with the planned fish cakes or whatever.

Okay, now it's really "bye"!

So it's not offering and/or cooking an alternative. It's leaving part of the meal? Basically eat it or leave it.

Toys - I think you want it to be complicated.

But actually usually it's not. Although I'm willing to accept that there are some children who will reject a stuffed crust pizza or a chicken nugget in preference to teriyaki mackerel with stir fried broccoli I think the many would go for fast shop-bought ready meals or a bowl of pasta with jarred sauce every time if they thought that their parents would be prepared to swap. Why? Because kids like junk food. If they didn't we wouldn't have a mc Donald's/chicken shop/ Pizza Hut every five yards on most high streets. Most kids like eating crap.

And I think 2/3rds of the world would find this thread utterly baffling and probably hilarious.