to not make her a seperate meal?

[fairy1303]

DSD lives here full time.

She is currently having a massive meltdown because I have told her we are having... shock horror... CASSEROLE for dinner.

We have this about once a month, it's cheap, easy, healthy.
I know she doesn't like it.

I have said that is what we are having, no I won't make a seperate meal.
She is telling me not to serve her any. She doesn't want it. She is crying because she 'isn't allowed any dinner'. She has phoned MIL to tell her. She is about to phone my mum to tell her too. She has phoned daddy at work to tell him.

Now, I'm pretty strict. I'm also aware of the wsm stuff.

AIBU to say: that is what we are having. There will be nothing else?

Or am I being too hard on her?

She's 8

That said, I don't advocate separate meals, but instead making meals with at least one bit that DC like and can fill up on, if necessary. Also I find that it really isn't that much effort for me to lob a piece of bread at DS on days he absolutely refuses to try any part of the meal.

Yabu.I remember being forced to eat meals I hated as a child and feeling awful, crying. It was only certain meals, such as curry which I hated. As an adult I'm not fussy at all, but surely compromising a bit if she really hates casserole is not a big deal? Offer a plain alternative like toast or a sandwich, or suggest if she eats the casserole tonight then you'll cook one of her favourites tomorrow? It's give and take I think...

paxtecum: That happened in my primary school, with a strange macaroni gloop we were offered one day. Luckily I only gagged, but didn't vomit. We all had to finish our plates, even the ones who vomited.

My DS doesn't like a particular meal that everyone else likes, 2 other children also. We have it once a month as it is cheap, easy to make and as I said everyone else loves it. I put it with a bit of garlic bread and DS has to eat some of it or he has a banana and then nothing else until tea. However, I also ask him if he wants anything particular to eat that week and often make fajitas / chicken pittas that he loves (as well as everyone else).

For me it is about give and take within the family, some people like some things which others aren't keen on and in that case it is swings and roundabouts. I may stick fish fingers in the oven with chicken nuggets, make a less spicy version of the same dish but I am not going to make two separate meals, therein, for my family, lies madness.

But, if someone gags on something I am not going to only have that as an option. As a number of pp have mentioned I hate offal and would gag eating it, I wouldn't force a child to do eat something that made them gag (Toys not getting at you, you only know it once they have tried it). There is a world of difference between hating / gagging on something and not liking a food.

Do you think you would be kinder to her if she were your DD rather than your DSD? Are there other forces at play here? Why does she live with you and not her DM? Do you resent that?

Apologies if I am barking up the wrong tree, but your post seems to show a basic lack of empathy towards this child.

Dolcelatte you think she shows a lack of empathy towards the child? What a shitty thing to say! I see no evidence of that at all.

You would be unreasonable to not at least provide a simple alternative.

DH, DS2 and I had lamb chops for dinner. DS1 does not like big lumps of meat. He's tried, he doesn't enjoy it, often he gags. He also doesn't like the home made chips we were having. He's never liked potatoes much. Even when he was a walking dustbin of a toddler. I boiled him some pasta and stirred in some sauce from a jar and he had that with the same veg we had. It was no big deal, took all of 2 minutes extra effort, and everyone enjoyed their dinner.

What I do now is go around the supermarket and ask DS what new (or previously disliked) thing he would like to try a bit of that day and involve him in meal planning. So, he can choose for himself according to what he is interested in and think he can stomach. Today the "new" thing was strawberry rice pudding, funnily enough. He ate a few spoonfuls and decided he didn't want more, but said that he quite liked it. Yesterday it was green beans - he took one bite and declared he didn't like it much. To be honest, I don't think they're that great either. We have bough a papaya for tomorrow.

My dd is the same about veg casserole. Complains about it but once she starts eating she clears the plate. And even says thank you afterwards. She doesn't hate it that much. Although she would prefer to live on pasta and tom sauce. Which isn't going to happen.

YANBU at all in my opinion. In my house I cook 1 meal for dinner. No separate meals, if one of my 3 DS's doesn't want it as they ' don't like it' tough titties. I am not running a hotel here. I am providing them with a cooked tasty meal.
Some kids are fussy and have had their way, too much of the time when it comes to food choice, and the result is they turn their nose up at foods they say they dislike. Don't give in. Be strong. If she's hungry she'll eat it.
Do you think kids complained about what was put in front of them to eat 100 years ago....? They were grateful for a hot meal.

Toys - we've been doing a lot of that with DS1, lately. He'd become so set in his ways with food that he was becoming bored of his diet, so we've actually been giving him a chance to earn extra pocket money by doing food challenges. He's discovered that he actually likes thinly sliced chicken or turkey, but still doesn't like red meat in anything but small pieces - but does like slow cooked paprika pork. After grumbling at me for my peanut habit for months, he asked to try one for 10p, the other day. So he tried one. He hated it. We've had a lot of misses, but he's been able to be rational about them and say why he doesn't like them, instead of falsely remembering the arbitrary rules he'd started to make up.

he wouldn't try rice pudding for any amount of money, though. He's genuinely phobic about it. He has acknowledged that yoghurt is actually OK, though. Which is good, since he's off cheese for the forseeable, since it's a migraine trigger for him.

You really can't say, usualsubject, that you won't like something if you live to be a 100. I would have said the same about olives, I couldn't stand them, but aged 57yrs I suddenly loved them!
They really won't starve if they miss a meal! I have bought it, cooked it, served it and if they don't want it it is their problem and not one that I am taking on!
They play to the parent because it is more difficult with your own, you want them to eat.

Sorry, iPad has ideas of it's own, I wrote usualsuspect.

I think it's interesting that the OP is vegetarian. Children aren't stupid. This child will know that the entire families diet is a certain way to accommodate the OP but the one dish she doesn't like is forced on her. An 8 year old is old enough to see the hypocrisy in that and question why the OP has the rest of the family eat in a way which suits her diet but she won't make a small accommodation for her.

Apologies if I am barking up the wrong tree, but your post seems to show a basic lack of empathy towards this child.

Oh give over! What a load of rubbish. Lack of empathy, my arse. She's giving her children a lovely, hot meal, not a bowl of arsenic.
We all like various meals in this house. There's that many different dishes that one or the other doesn't like while everyone else does it would be absolute madness to have a dish everyone fancied at the same time.
I'd end up doing 4 different dishes! It's not a bloody cafe.
We take it in turns to have our favourite dish in this house. So one day it might be curry, another spaghetti bolognese, another toad in the hole or whatever.
That way we ALL get our favourite dishes.
Cooking different meals on the same day for different people is just crackers, and definitely not lack of empathy - just common bloody sense!

And yet she cleared her plate completely .........

Op If you cook food that you don't like and then eat it - then that is fine - as long as you treat dsd as you would treat yourself. Do you have to be polite to yourself?

The way this has carried on seems to ignore the fact that the child ate it quite happily!

ouryve: I sold the rice pudding to him as tasting similar to custard, which he loves. I was surprised he was willing to taste it after he saw the lumps. And he had a few spoonfuls trying to dig the jam from the bottom! He did like the taste - well the taste of the jam, anyway , but predictably wasn't too keen on the texture. Similarly, he will eat smooth yoghurt, but nothing with bits of fruit.

However, he does seem to be shifting a bit in his lump phobia, so will try something surprising on a good day. Thank goodness! I think he should try baked beans at some point, but he has not shown willing yet. He literally shudders if I put some on his plate. Neither will he try soup or most sauces, so the slop phobia is still pretty strong..

I have one child who loves anything and everything and one who is quite restricted in his diet. I also cook for the children (up to 8) that I childmind each day. And my DH is vegetarian.

I manage to cater pretty well to all of their needs with just a few tweaks here and there. One child doesn't like cheese so I leave it out of his portion. One wont eat cooked veggies so I give him the same as everyone else but leave the veggies raw. One wont eat potatoes so I usually do a quick portion of cous cous or pasta for him. One doesn't like lettuce so I make coleslaw as an extra. Today I made a clear chicken and vegetable soup, took some out for DH before I added chicken, took a portion out for one child who doesn't like noodles, and served another the soup without the cooked veggies and did him some crudités on the side. Everyone was happy and no waste or moaning. In a situation like the OP's I would serve the components of the casserole side by side rather than in a heap to see if that helped. Trying to accommodate everyone's tastes doesn't need to be difficult or complicated - often its how the dish is put together rather than the separate ingredients.

But generally, in the interests of a relaxed meal and no waste, I simply make food that I know they will all eat and like.

But I don't eat with the children - I am far fussier than any of them and I was made to eat everything and clear my plate until I left home at 17!!!

You do know that even in families where the cooked dinner is offered on a "eat or go hungry" basis, there are still differences in fussiness between siblings? Sometimes it's also about genes..

I come from this kind of family. No difference between the way my siblings and I were treated- firm. No pandering, no dessert if main not eaten, no alternatives. Occasional attempted force feeding but mainly we were ignored and told to go bed hungry if we 'wouldn't eat it.

Net result- my dis will eat anything and regularly cooks the same kind of food as my mum did for her kids...

And me- still hate all the things I did then. Don't eat them. And regularly went to bed hungry

Will make a massive effort to eat things I hate if for example at a dinner party- because that's polite.

But in my own home? Fuck that. I don't like it, it makes me feel ill.

I wouldn't force a child to eat what they didn't like- but I would have told the OPs step daughter off for being a drama llama. She clearly doesn't mind veg casserole, has eaten it and was very rude in ringing MIL.

If she had at the table and politely said she really really couldn't eat it, if have cooked an alternative.

The way this has carried on seems to ignore the fact that the child ate it quite happily!

Exactly! Just some completely ridiculous bonkers statements on here that just leave me a bit open mouthed like this
She ate it happily. She wasn't poisoned. She was just trying it on, lol!
Which some others would have pandered to and given an alternative menu while tugging at their hair and curtsying as they scurried back to the hot stove

Oh and No - I would definitely not eat something I dislike just because someone else has cooked it for me - although my friends would have asked me first!

I wouldn't eat something I disliked no matter who cooked it and would allow my children the same courtesy. It's hardly a huge deal to make beans or eggs and toast as an alternative is it? We had fish today, dd had boiled eggs, yesterday she ate chicken casserole with the rest of us. More importantly there were no tears or dramas and we all enjoyed what we had.

Exactly, Jelly.