To feel that prospective Brides need to accept that their future Husband had relationships and family before they met.

[diaimchlo]

Will try to keep this as short as I possibly can.... (sorry will be long though)

After leaving my EXH 14 years ago our relationship has been up and down, I have tried to keep it on good terms for the sake of my 5 DCs. When he remarried he lost all contact with our DCs and his close family due to the new wife and her actions.

When they separated finally a couple of years ago he got in contact and we talked loads as he seemed to ring me to offload his feelings and problems. There has never been a chance of us reuniting it was like being good friends and he started rebuilding his relationships with our DCs and their children.

He told me in April this year he had met someone else and was going to be taking it slow as he needed to be sure that there would be trust in the relationship. Then a couple of months later they announce their engagement, which he said would be a long one. All of the DCs were invited to the engagement party and voiced that they liked her and their Dad was happy. But over the last couple of months things seem to be coming to the surface and my DCs are voicing their dislike and disgust in her.

Now to get to the point. It was my daughter's wedding on Saturday and her Dad was giving her away. So obviously his fiance was invited but insisted that she sat next to my Ex, which I felt disrespectful to myself, I told my daughter this but said that I would tolerate it as she was scared that her Dad may not give her away if we did not allow it. I would like to add I had not met her till the day of the wedding. My Ex was still ringing me when he was at work mainly talking about his Dad who is terminally ill and the wedding, he was scared he would not make it to give my daughter away. My DD phoned him and she answered the phone saying that my Ex was at work, so my DD said she would ring him, only to be told by her not to do so. My daughter disregarded what she said and rang him. She let her know 2 days before the wedding she was not speaking to her because she disobeyed her, am pleased to say that my DD put her in her place.

On Saturday I saw her for the first time, she sat next to my Ex, grabbed his hand as soon as he sat down after giving DD away, had a face like a slapped backside all the time..... both her and my Ex left straight after the ceremony, he wanted to get back to his Dad, which I fully appreciate, but he promised to stay to give his speech. He was only on one photo a big one including all the guests and low and behold she barged next to him, he was standing next to DD so I just stood at the very end. She went to my DD and said they were going, never said goodbye, not at any point did she congratulate or made comment to my DD about how beautiful she looked. She basically got him out of there as fast as she could.

Since then my Ex has rung me once a short 5 min call to ask how my Dd was.... he never mentioned his OH but it was obvious there had been tension, he said that he would ring me if there was any news on his Dad, which sent me the message don't ring me I'll ring you.....

I can see the same happening again and even though my DCs are adults now it does not hurt any less.........

I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling some sympathy with the fiancee.

Why is it all the other woman's fault and not your ex's?

He's an adult, and can make these decisions himself.

YANBU in that a new significant other should accept the existing relationships, but your post sounds like you've got a problem with her, rather than focussing on the fact that it's your ex who has let his kids down

And he let them down before - whether his second wife wanted him to see his children should have been irrelevant. Yet the second wife gets blamed when he is selfish and wesk

The phrase 'put her in her place' keeps jumping out of that first post too.

The one consistent factor in all of this- divorce from OP, abandoning children, putting the latest partner first, failing to fulfill a promise to give a speech-is the ex-husband. He controlled the OP, yet in his subsequent relationships apparently the women have controlled him. More likely, his level of commitment to his children has been poor throughout, and because he is controlling and not very nice, the current woman in his life gets the blame.

The current woman in his life is not getting all the blame at all, I have consistently said that he should have grown a pair and made sure he stepped up to the mark and completed his duty towards his children. What I am blaming her for is her behaviour before and during the wedding, she has clearly showed her feelings by her actions.

As for the phrase 'put her in her place' jumping out..... does a daughter not have the right to decide whether she is going to phone her Dad under the circumstances? What right did his fiancee have to order her not to, she was told by my daughter that she had no right to dictate to her regarding contacting her Dad.

Oh dear the second wife?????? Please do not open that tin of worms the post would be longer than War and Peace, definitely more War and no peace.

Then why have you titled your thread "To feel that prospective Brides need to accept that their future Husband had relationships and family before they met."

"It has nothing to do with me? sorry was my DDs wedding so has everything to do with me."

Interesting wording. And completely, totally and utterly incorrect wording, to boot.

diamchio - just to play devil's advocate here, do you think that you are being presented in a similar light to the way the second XW and the new fiancée are being presented?

You say your XH was controlling, and yet it appears his subsequent partners are controlling him. Something doesn't add up.

I suspect that with each new partner he has painted a picture of you as controlling and demanding and told them that while you don't want him you're not happy for him to have a life with someone else. I imagine he has fed their insecurities and masked his own inadequacies with tales that make you responsible. The phone call in your original OP would tie into that scenario very neatly. Just as they appear controlling and rude to you, you appear controlling and rude to them (and to some people on this thread). Meanwhile, no one is actually looking at what he is doing.

Well OP, given that you've only ever met the OW once, I can't see how you're "taking it out on her" - unless you're texting her the transcript of this thread!

I don't think it was unreasonable to expect her to keep a relatively low profile at the wedding -that's been the format at all weddings where immediate family have new partners.

I wouldn't worry about it too much as you're not going to be seeing her again soon.

Some interesting posts from ilovesooty about working, driving with handsfree etc - nothing like going off at a tangent!! Hope you're not typing those at work!

Thefabulousidiot

the title if I am honest comes from issues with the 2nd wife, she was horrendous in her behaviour towards my DCs and now history seems to be repeating itself.

Khun

I was answering another post there.

Dahlen

I appreciate what you are saying and how you may be arriving at that conclusion.

If anyone had said to me 20 years ago that my Ex would basically drop his children for any reason I would have stood his ground and fought his corner with everything I have got.

He definitely is not the man I married, and from now on he will receive no support from me at all.

I cannot see how I can appear controlling to his other women even if he has told them that I am as I have never done anything or interfered with their relationship. If they see me that way all I can say is that they are very sad.

You told your daughter that this woman (quite naturally) wanting to sit next to her Fiance in church, was 'disrespectful' to you...and you don't think you're controlling?

She must have felt quite nervous and out of sorts, who else do you think she'd want to sit next to...Aunty Doris who she didn't know from Adam?

Possibly they are, but they certainly wouldn't be the first women to believe that their DP's X was a psycho bitch based on nothing more than what they've been told by their DP - it's something of a cliché where controlling men are concerned. If she was that able to see through him, she probably wouldn't be hitching her star to someone who thought it perfectly acceptable to abandon his children during his previous marriage. I imagine your acceptance of her on the top table got translated as you not wanting her to be there at all and only accepting it because he fought her corner.

Re: the posts about you being over-involved with your ex. I does seem like you feel somehow responsible for their relationship with their dad. You can encourage them, by all means, but you can never be responsible for your DC's relationship with their father. Even where parents are together, that isn't possible. I clashed with my dad for most of my childhood and there wasn't a thing my mum could do about it. She encouraged us to get along, but she couldn't force it to happen. You don't need to be there holding hands with them along the way - your ex and his kids have to do that for themselves. You seem to have lots of reasons why she's the bad guy here and very few that he is. He left his kids. He will do exactly the same again if he wants to. He is responsible for developing a relationship with them. Not you. Not her. Him.

This is not a fiancee of 14 years standing though is it, the OP's DH remarried and that marriage broke down, he met this lady in April this year. (Unless I have read the Op incorrectly?); she's hardly had time to develop a relationship with the bride and groom so it would not have been at all unreasonable for her to offer to 'stand back' a little at the wedding or keep away.

The OP mentioned the hands free phone calls first, not me.

And no, I wasn't typing from work. I had the day off today as time owed, if that's ok with you.

"I am the longest partner he has had, we have been apart 14 years. she has only been with him since april this year."

Em, this sounds terribly childish and possessive actually.

It never ceases to amaze me how a few words are picked out of thousands which obviously have not been read! and judged!!!!!!

I take offence at being labeled childish and possessive.

Yes Ragwort you did read it right and thank you.

Mitch I am not responsible for their relationship with their Dad, I was seperated from my Dad for 27 years due to bitterness in the divorce and I suffered for that, was happy when we were reunited only for him to die a few years later. I do not want my DCs how ever old they are to be in the same position.

You seem to take offence quite easily with anyone who doesnt agree with you

My DP and I have been together 12 years and he used to get the hump if I ever so much as mentioned ex boyfriends! I gave it up long ago apart from to slag them off! Never mind the fact that I'm 4 years older than him, so grew up earlier. (I was his first gf - he can be a bit dopey about things like that.) He's less of a wally now, thankfully.

Everyone - male and female - needs to accept their partner is a human being who, in a lot of cases, will probably have had some sort of a past with someone else.

No I do not take offence easily, anyone is entitled to their opinion, if I disagree I will say without calling them such things as childish and possessive.

I am only making a suggestion that you might actually be happier and have less stress and drama in your life if you cease contact with this man. Clearly that's not something you want to do - whatever your reasons. So good luck with that.