To feel that prospective Brides need to accept that their future Husband had relationships and family before they met.

[diaimchlo]

Will try to keep this as short as I possibly can.... (sorry will be long though)

After leaving my EXH 14 years ago our relationship has been up and down, I have tried to keep it on good terms for the sake of my 5 DCs. When he remarried he lost all contact with our DCs and his close family due to the new wife and her actions.

When they separated finally a couple of years ago he got in contact and we talked loads as he seemed to ring me to offload his feelings and problems. There has never been a chance of us reuniting it was like being good friends and he started rebuilding his relationships with our DCs and their children.

He told me in April this year he had met someone else and was going to be taking it slow as he needed to be sure that there would be trust in the relationship. Then a couple of months later they announce their engagement, which he said would be a long one. All of the DCs were invited to the engagement party and voiced that they liked her and their Dad was happy. But over the last couple of months things seem to be coming to the surface and my DCs are voicing their dislike and disgust in her.

Now to get to the point. It was my daughter's wedding on Saturday and her Dad was giving her away. So obviously his fiance was invited but insisted that she sat next to my Ex, which I felt disrespectful to myself, I told my daughter this but said that I would tolerate it as she was scared that her Dad may not give her away if we did not allow it. I would like to add I had not met her till the day of the wedding. My Ex was still ringing me when he was at work mainly talking about his Dad who is terminally ill and the wedding, he was scared he would not make it to give my daughter away. My DD phoned him and she answered the phone saying that my Ex was at work, so my DD said she would ring him, only to be told by her not to do so. My daughter disregarded what she said and rang him. She let her know 2 days before the wedding she was not speaking to her because she disobeyed her, am pleased to say that my DD put her in her place.

On Saturday I saw her for the first time, she sat next to my Ex, grabbed his hand as soon as he sat down after giving DD away, had a face like a slapped backside all the time..... both her and my Ex left straight after the ceremony, he wanted to get back to his Dad, which I fully appreciate, but he promised to stay to give his speech. He was only on one photo a big one including all the guests and low and behold she barged next to him, he was standing next to DD so I just stood at the very end. She went to my DD and said they were going, never said goodbye, not at any point did she congratulate or made comment to my DD about how beautiful she looked. She basically got him out of there as fast as she could.

Since then my Ex has rung me once a short 5 min call to ask how my Dd was.... he never mentioned his OH but it was obvious there had been tension, he said that he would ring me if there was any news on his Dad, which sent me the message don't ring me I'll ring you.....

I can see the same happening again and even though my DCs are adults now it does not hurt any less.........

Obviously the fact she's rude is a pita but the best thing to do about that is to just ignore (then maybe have a bit of a bitch to yourself or a friend later )

The main priority is that the kids can rely on their dad (and it doesn't matter how old they are) and if they can't that's sad. Although I think you probably know that anyway!

PS Really sorry about your DF

You tell my DD that diddl the reaction would not be good.

You're really supporting this loser and acting as a shoulder to cry on outside his home just because you're investing in your children?

I can see both perspectives here, and the truth is that weddings can be very difficult for blended families with all the etiquette surrounding who sits where, etc.

From the fiancée's POV it is perfectly understandable that she'd want to sit next to her fiancé. Even if she was on nodding terms with some of the rest of the family, it could be a very overwhelming feeling to be thrown in with people you don't know well who are all part of a family (OP And her XH) completely independent of you. It takes a very socially confident person to cope with that.

However, she could have opted not to go instead, and given the short duration of their relationship, that was probably the best solution. Had they been together longer the relationship with the wider family would have been more established and some of the social awkwardness therefore removed.

From the XH's POV he probably thought he could 'manage' the situation by being all things to all people (i.e. sticking up for fiancée by insisting she sits next to him; being there for his DD by giving her away; agreeing to the speech to appease his XW). The fact that this would clearly never work given the dynamics involved probably escaped him - as you could expect for a man who has a track record for bowing to whoever puts greatest pressure on him (evidenced by dropping out of his DC's life with his second wife).

From the OP's POV I can understand the frustration. She wants to protect her children and feels her DD's marriage was spoiled slightly by her XH's and his fiancée's behaviour. Along with a lot of other posters, however, I feel the focus on the fiancée is deflecting attention from where it should be placed - firmly on the XH.

Truth is that any decent father worth his salt would have refused to be manipulated by his fiancée in this sort of situation - no matter the cost. Likewise, a decent father would not have chosen his second wife over seeing his children in his previous relationship. Regardless of the personalities of the two women involved, the common denominator in all that is the XH. He could have refused to let his fiancée come. He could have refused to leave early. He could have done all sorts of things to avoid this scenario and he didn't. He is the one at fault in this.

At some level OP you must know that, and know that it is unfair to hold the fiancée responsible, because I bet the lack of responsibility and weak personality was in part a factor in your own divorce.

I'm not a second or subsequent partner and have never been one.
If the conversations with the OP are so acceptable within a new relationship why does he always make them outside the home? At what point do they stop?

I see nothing wrong with conversations between two parents. Sometimes a new partner will, although it doesn't seem like a very mature attitude.

Great post Dahlen That sounds very fair and you've put it better than I evidently have.

I think everyone is partially to blame. But you can't control their behaviour, only your own.

I agree with Sooty that giving your exDP a shoulder to cry on, is not in anyone's best interests. And of course it makes his partner suspicious of you. I would stop the long conversations and limit conversations to any arrangements necessary, or civil politeness at family events.

If it means your ex doesnt see his adult DCs because of that, then that means he was never going to keep up contact anyway.

Dahlen Good post and I take what you have said on board just a couple of points:

It was my daughter who wanted him to do the speech, all through the wedding I was happy to do what ever she wanted, it was her day.

No the reason I walked out on him was that he was a complete control freak....

and on reading a lot of the posts people may think from that last point that I still allow him to control me due to me taking his calls.... No I don't I promise you ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY!!!!!!

If the conversations with the OP are so acceptable within a new relationship why does he always make them outside the home? At what point do they stop?

Maybe he always makes them outside the home because he can't be doing with the interrogation he would get from his current partner, I really can't say, neither of them sounds like much of a catch to me and I hope in all of this, OP is taking comfort from the fact that she is clearly well rid of the long streak of piss she used to be married to.

As for when they stop..that's for him to decide...thought whilst they have family in common I would suggest 'never' might be a reasonable option.

It reads as if the OP is totally aware it's her ex's problem. That doesn't mean you can't still be a bit cross about a rude woman at the same time. If she was rude she can still be blamed for being rude, but just not for the ex's behaviour.

You are over invested OP, because you're on here agonising over his and his partner's behaviour - which is nothing to do with you. You have no control over him and no control over the new partner. He, however, DOES have control over his own actions and maybe you should recognise that. He didn't lose contact with his kids because of the new wife - he lost contact because he didn't care that much, and it possibly made his life easier not to bother with them. That isn't down to the wife. It's down to him. If he loses contact with them again then it won't be his new partner's fault - it will be his fault. And there won't be anything you can do about it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Any decent woman would step aside, let the day be about your daughter and her parents. Your ex should have grown a pair and told her this though.

What I take from this is that she obviously feels threatened by the fact that you two are pretty close still and feels like she has to be in the way and show everyone she is there with him. Quite sad really.

I agree with Grennie on the phone calls. I suspect if they were about the children or arrangements he might be making them at home or at least the possibility of doing so would exist. I don't think the offloading nature of them sound appropriate at all and the OP s vehement rejection of any suggestion that he might still be pulling her strings sounds a bit too strong to be convincing.

I think you're angry at the wrong person. I have children with an ex so will be in your situation one day.

The problem isn't the women that your ex picks. It's with your ex. He should be calling you openly (not in secret) and telling her not to interfere with his relationship with his dd. He chooses to immerse himself in his current woman rather than balance his children and partner.
I do not understand some of the replies you got - especially the ones about being over invested in your ex. If you were a couple and he was rude or inconsiderate to his kids then you'd say something. Surely separated/divorced people do the same? I certainly do with my ex. Like yours, he's not very good at balancing his girlfriend and kids and I remain amicable and help the relationship. My kids know he's a twit but they love him and deserve a good Dad so I find myself helping their relationship.

diamchio - I don't think you're at all unreasonable to feel as you do or to dislike the fiancée based on her behaviour. She sounds a nightmare.

I don't think you're allowing your XH to control you either. I think you're handling a difficult situation as best you can and trying your best not to sabotage the fledgling renewed relationship between DD and her father.

I just think your focus is slightly askew. My dislike for the fiancée in your situation would be largely insignificant compared to my anger towards my XH who is basically allowing all this to happen. If he had a backbone, you wouldn't have felt the need to write this post.

All I can say emsyj I hope you never find yourself in a similar sitaution...

It has nothing to do with me? sorry was my DDs wedding so has everything to do with me.

It was not only his kids he lost in his last marriage it was all his immediate family to the point that he was not allowed to go to his Mothers funeral. Yes it was totally his fault for being a wimp and allowing her to cause so much hatred.....

It took a long time for him to reunite and get a great relationship with his father.

Whilst I respect your right to your opinion I do not agree with a lot of it.

I agree with Maid's summing up. I sat my stepmother next to DF at the church and at the reception. Can't see the problem here. You fanned the flames by moaning to your DD about it, then gracefully deciding you would 'tolerate' it.

Also, you say that ref your ex husband's father 'we will have a funeral to deal with soon'. Actually, you won't. It is your ex husband and his fiancée who will have the funeral to organise, not you. Yes, it will be your childrens's grandfather's funeral, but not really anything to do with you. His fiancée will I expect be sitting with your ex husband' or do you expect her to show some respect and sit behind you all?

When my uncle (father's brother) died, we sat with our DF and stepmother at the front. My mother attended, but sat at the back with another uncle's ex-wife. They were being respectful.

Oriunda have you read the whole thread?

I covered the funeral before.

I do not expect to be involved in any arrangements at all. I will only be going to the service to pay my respects to a lovely man. I will not be attending any wake afterwards. I will be there to support my DCs and no-one else.

But in light of all that I have a nasty feeling that will not be liked.

Oh and just to add a footnote, I am more than happy to sit at the back of the room.

I interpreted 'we will have a funeral to deal with soon' as supporting the children through the forthcoming emotional distress.

I still think supporting your ex emotionally especially with what appear to be deliberately secret phone calls isn't a good idea or healthy for him or you and he is responsible for any past or potential contact difficulties.

YADNBU, IMO Steps need to take a back seat, if required, at a DP's child's wedding. Basically I would go along with whatever my DP's DD wanted on her big day, but personally would feel a bit uncomfortable at the top table, as I would see it as not my place. My DP's ExW can't stand me anyway even though we got together 6 yrs after she left him. I probably won't even get an invite, let alone have to worry about where I'm sitting.

That said, I think your ExH is bang out of order for allowing any partner to cause issue with his children. As someone else said, any decent woman would not try to come between a DP and his children. She sounds jealous, which I can relate to (being totally honest here and having had 2 MCs with my DP, it stings that he managed to have a child successfully with someone else, but that's my issue to deal with.)

Re. the calls, I'd keep them going until after your ExDFIL passes (because fair or not, you WILL look like a bitch for dissing him right now.)

Leaving the wedding early, unless his DF took a turn for the worse is unforgivable. He needs to grow a set and the fiancee needs to know her place. People need to stop blaming the OP. it's clear she has only her children's best interests at heart. I wish your DS a full recovery with his abandonment issues, OP.

I think Dahlen and Gemma have it. The Op was trying to make her DD's wedding perfect: of course she's invested in it nad of course she's annoyed by anyone spoiling it. FWIW, at all weddings I have attended with step-parents, the convention seems to be that they keep a tactful low profile whilst the actual parents of the bride or groom do the traditional things as co-parents NOT current partners. Sometimes, all step-parents also sit at the top table, too. I think the issue here is the lack of grace by the Ex's new DP and her mis-conception about the role of her DP (as a Father not as a Husband).

Your ex does sound rather weak, it has to be said.

I feel a bit sorry for his Fiancee though as it does sound as though you're taking it out on her a bit.

I see no reason at all why she shouldn't sit next to your ex either. Why on earth is that 'disrespectful'?

She's not the OW, she's done nothing wrong except prepare to marry into what will become a blended family.

Getting upset over where she sits at a wedding, isn't likely to help her fit into that blended family, is it?