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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that prospective Brides need to accept that their future Husband had relationships and family before they met.

128 replies

diaimchlo · 06/11/2013 07:31

Will try to keep this as short as I possibly can.... (sorry will be long though)

After leaving my EXH 14 years ago our relationship has been up and down, I have tried to keep it on good terms for the sake of my 5 DCs. When he remarried he lost all contact with our DCs and his close family due to the new wife and her actions.

When they separated finally a couple of years ago he got in contact and we talked loads as he seemed to ring me to offload his feelings and problems. There has never been a chance of us reuniting it was like being good friends and he started rebuilding his relationships with our DCs and their children.

He told me in April this year he had met someone else and was going to be taking it slow as he needed to be sure that there would be trust in the relationship. Then a couple of months later they announce their engagement, which he said would be a long one. All of the DCs were invited to the engagement party and voiced that they liked her and their Dad was happy. But over the last couple of months things seem to be coming to the surface and my DCs are voicing their dislike and disgust in her.

Now to get to the point. It was my daughter's wedding on Saturday and her Dad was giving her away. So obviously his fiance was invited but insisted that she sat next to my Ex, which I felt disrespectful to myself, I told my daughter this but said that I would tolerate it as she was scared that her Dad may not give her away if we did not allow it. I would like to add I had not met her till the day of the wedding. My Ex was still ringing me when he was at work mainly talking about his Dad who is terminally ill and the wedding, he was scared he would not make it to give my daughter away. My DD phoned him and she answered the phone saying that my Ex was at work, so my DD said she would ring him, only to be told by her not to do so. My daughter disregarded what she said and rang him. She let her know 2 days before the wedding she was not speaking to her because she disobeyed her, am pleased to say that my DD put her in her place.

On Saturday I saw her for the first time, she sat next to my Ex, grabbed his hand as soon as he sat down after giving DD away, had a face like a slapped backside all the time..... both her and my Ex left straight after the ceremony, he wanted to get back to his Dad, which I fully appreciate, but he promised to stay to give his speech. He was only on one photo a big one including all the guests and low and behold she barged next to him, he was standing next to DD so I just stood at the very end. She went to my DD and said they were going, never said goodbye, not at any point did she congratulate or made comment to my DD about how beautiful she looked. She basically got him out of there as fast as she could.

Since then my Ex has rung me once a short 5 min call to ask how my Dd was.... he never mentioned his OH but it was obvious there had been tension, he said that he would ring me if there was any news on his Dad, which sent me the message don't ring me I'll ring you.....

I can see the same happening again and even though my DCs are adults now it does not hurt any less.........

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 06/11/2013 09:12

Point taken Tailtwister but her hostility towards the fiancee was apparently established well before the actual wedding day.

Original poster
diaimchlo · 06/11/2013 09:16

Yes I did feel hostile towards her for her actions and total disregard for others feelings but as this was my daughter's day I rose above it all and acted in a respectful manner, which is what I expect from everybody else.

OP posts:
Original poster
diaimchlo · 06/11/2013 09:17

Tailtwister

Thank you I was believing that I was not normal for the way I feel about this.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 06/11/2013 09:20

I also don't see why your daughter had to disturb her father at work. Some of the unpleasantness in the OP seems to stem from that situation.

Tailtwister · 06/11/2013 09:23

I understand you resentment diaimchio but please don't let it take over from your memories of the day. You must find a way to move on from how you feel or you will put a permanent cloud over one of the most important days in your DD's life. Why don't you write a couple of letters, one to your Ex and one to his fiancee, detailing how you feel and why. Don't send them, but destroy them afterwards and make an agreement with yourself that you're not going to let them spoil the memories of your DD's day any more.

ilovesooty · 06/11/2013 09:24

Oh I see that he is also ringing you when at work to talk to you. He needs to learn some boundaries and you need to stop enabling his behaviour.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 06/11/2013 09:25

If the fiance doesn't know about his long phone calls to you, why not? If those calls were kept secret, that's very unhealthy for their relationship unless they were solely about the children.

If I were you, I'd keep well away from this man - communication about the DCs aside - for all kinds of different reasons.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 06/11/2013 09:25

x post ilovesooty

Original poster
diaimchlo · 06/11/2013 09:26

OMG ilovesooty She had just learnt that her Grandfather only had weeks to live so that and the wedding made her want to talk to her Dad to give support and receive it. He does not mind being rung whilst at work, in fact he rings me when he is at work.........

How would you feel if you were told you could not ring your Dad under those circumstances?????????

OP posts:
Ragwort · 06/11/2013 09:31

I never understand why in these situations the new wife/fiancee (equally applies to new husband etc) would actually want to come to the wedding (or other family gathering) it's almost as if they need to 'prove a point' that they have 'won' the man and must stick like a limpit to him.

If that was me I would happily stay away from a family situation, find something nice to do on my own or with other friends instead of behaving like a teenager who has to show off her new boyfriend Hmm. This new fiancee has only been on the scene from April so has hardly been in a 'long term relationship' with your ex has she? She sounds very needy and insecure.

ilovesooty · 06/11/2013 09:31

I wonder whether his employer is aware that he's using his working time to give and receive emotional support. Either he's able to be in work and give his attention to it or he needs to take compassionate leave. And I maintain that it looks very unhealthy for him to be avoiding making the phone calls to you from home. One has to wonder why that is and why you're enabling it.

Original poster
diaimchlo · 06/11/2013 09:32

If she doesn't know about the phone call that's their problem and they can sort that out!!! At this time it is his father that is mine and my DCs concern not their relationship. We will have a funeral to face soon Sad

As for my memories of the day they are wonderful they will be with me forever and nothing can change that.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 06/11/2013 09:36

By taking his phone calls you are contributing to the problem. You're simply not acknowledging your part in it.

Grennie · 06/11/2013 09:40

This is one of those family situations where it is obvious to everyone outside that all parties are partly to blame. Sorry OP.

Littlegreyauditor · 06/11/2013 09:40

She does sound needy and insecure ragwort but then again she is angling to be lucky wife #3 so is pinning her hopes for happiness on someone whose track record is not the best.

He has left two other wives, why not her? So she clings, tightly, and tries to control the relationships he has with family and can't even risk allowing him to sit with another woman for the duration of a wedding. It is sad.

He sonds like a catch though so good luck to her.

Rise above it OP as you have been doing. Realistically I would knock the long supportive phone calls on the head. Let him shit where he sleeps.

mamapants · 06/11/2013 09:41

Of course a new partner should be invited and should come to the wedding. How weird ragwort
I also think people should be seated with their present partners and don't see how it is disrespectful. Surely it would be weirder to be sat next to your exh and stood next to him in photos. You've been seperated a long time I think you should be able to stand on your own.

ilovesooty · 06/11/2013 09:45

I hope his fiancee sees sense before she becomes wife no. 3. I can't imagine why you want to maintain this level of contact with him but I can fully understand why his fiancee seems insecure. After all he's incapable of conducting a healthy, open adult relationship and you're justifying his clandestine phone calls to you.

ilovesooty · 06/11/2013 09:47

I'm wondering who the OP expects to sit next to him at the funeral.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 06/11/2013 09:51

I think one of the saddest things here is how he's treated his own children tbh. They're not toys to be dropped and then picked up when it suits him.

Cast iron wanker imo.

Original poster
diaimchlo · 06/11/2013 09:53

ilovesooty Yes his employer is aware....... he spends alot of his time traveling from job to job, so does it on hands free whilst on his way.... and if a parent can't give emotional support at any time, that makes me a bad parent. As far as compassionate leave I have begged him to take it or visit the Drs to get signed off, which i would have expected his Fiancee to have done seeing that she works in the medical profession.

No you don't have to wonder why I have enabled it... I'll tell you..... If I hadn't have done in the last couple of years then my DD would not have had her Dad give her away!!!!!!

I really feel at this point that I have only kept contact for the sake of my Dcs and no other reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
diaimchlo · 06/11/2013 09:58

OK ilovesooty

Now you over stepping the mark!!!! HOW RUDE!!!!!!!

I do not care where we sit at the funeral we will be there to show our respects to a lovely man, we will not be going to any wake.

Why?

Because we are respectful and thoughtful of others feelings which is a concept you do not seem to grasp!

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 06/11/2013 09:59

I agree with littlegrey

And I agree with those saying that a partner of 14 years standing should be allowed to attend to wedding

NewtRipley · 06/11/2013 10:00

... and sit beside her partner. To not allow that is not exactly taking the moral high ground

Original poster
diaimchlo · 06/11/2013 10:03

I am the longest partner he has had, we have been apart 14 years. she has only been with him since april this year.

I had no problem with her being at the wedding at all, it was her behaviour that caused the problem.

OP posts:
thegreylady · 06/11/2013 10:08

I can see both sides here. A lot of her behaviour was possessive and wrong. However I have three adult step children and at every wedding I have been on the 'top table' next to dh and his ex and her spouse have been there too. It was the same at dd's wedding where her husband's step parents sat next to their spouses. My own dh1 is dead so we didn't have an additional complication.
My sympathies for your coming loss :(
You don't sound difficult at all, just human. She sounds like a nightmare but she is his problem.