To feel that prospective Brides need to accept that their future Husband had relationships and family before they met.

[diaimchlo]

Will try to keep this as short as I possibly can.... (sorry will be long though)

After leaving my EXH 14 years ago our relationship has been up and down, I have tried to keep it on good terms for the sake of my 5 DCs. When he remarried he lost all contact with our DCs and his close family due to the new wife and her actions.

When they separated finally a couple of years ago he got in contact and we talked loads as he seemed to ring me to offload his feelings and problems. There has never been a chance of us reuniting it was like being good friends and he started rebuilding his relationships with our DCs and their children.

He told me in April this year he had met someone else and was going to be taking it slow as he needed to be sure that there would be trust in the relationship. Then a couple of months later they announce their engagement, which he said would be a long one. All of the DCs were invited to the engagement party and voiced that they liked her and their Dad was happy. But over the last couple of months things seem to be coming to the surface and my DCs are voicing their dislike and disgust in her.

Now to get to the point. It was my daughter's wedding on Saturday and her Dad was giving her away. So obviously his fiance was invited but insisted that she sat next to my Ex, which I felt disrespectful to myself, I told my daughter this but said that I would tolerate it as she was scared that her Dad may not give her away if we did not allow it. I would like to add I had not met her till the day of the wedding. My Ex was still ringing me when he was at work mainly talking about his Dad who is terminally ill and the wedding, he was scared he would not make it to give my daughter away. My DD phoned him and she answered the phone saying that my Ex was at work, so my DD said she would ring him, only to be told by her not to do so. My daughter disregarded what she said and rang him. She let her know 2 days before the wedding she was not speaking to her because she disobeyed her, am pleased to say that my DD put her in her place.

On Saturday I saw her for the first time, she sat next to my Ex, grabbed his hand as soon as he sat down after giving DD away, had a face like a slapped backside all the time..... both her and my Ex left straight after the ceremony, he wanted to get back to his Dad, which I fully appreciate, but he promised to stay to give his speech. He was only on one photo a big one including all the guests and low and behold she barged next to him, he was standing next to DD so I just stood at the very end. She went to my DD and said they were going, never said goodbye, not at any point did she congratulate or made comment to my DD about how beautiful she looked. She basically got him out of there as fast as she could.

Since then my Ex has rung me once a short 5 min call to ask how my Dd was.... he never mentioned his OH but it was obvious there had been tension, he said that he would ring me if there was any news on his Dad, which sent me the message don't ring me I'll ring you.....

I can see the same happening again and even though my DCs are adults now it does not hurt any less.........

Oh, OK, I'm sorry I misunderstood that. Or rather, I didn't read carefully .

I do think you need to emotionally disengage from him and not allow him to use you as a confidante whilst behaving so shabbily. This is about him and the pull he has on you. Not fair on you or the children

You sound over invested in him and appear to be reluctant to admit it. No doubt now the wedding is over and when the funeral has passed you'll find another excuse to maintain your involvement and I'm pretty sure most posters on here would consider that his first port of emotional support should be the woman he's having a relationship with, not the one who cut ties 14uears ago.

And my employer discourages hands free
phone use as it affects concentration while driving. If he's upset and not concentrating fully on the road I doubt his employers will be happy.

It's a problem betweeen your exH and your daughter really, and whilst the wedding wasn't all about the new fiance, it wasn't all about you either, for all your talk of "disrespect".

The posters asking the OP where she expected new fiancé to sit. Perhaps next to one of the OPs children who will soon be her step child? Or with a member of her fiancé's, the OP ex's family? There are a few options. She isn't a random guest, she's about to enter this man's family as his wife so I'm sure she's met a few of them.

She sounds rude OP but you have to consider why? What has she been told? Perhaps she knows about your chats and feels threatened? He sounds like he needs to find his back bone and stand up to her,

I think it was right that she sat beside your ex at the wedding. My uncle's new wife sat beside him at my grandparents' funerals and although none of us can stand her, we accepted that's where she should be.

Your ex might look back and regret leaving DD's wedding early, or he might not. Either way, I don't think the relationship will last. His past presents too many issues for her by the sound of it. She's too insecure. Not surprising given his track record. Eventually it'll become too much for them both.

Regardless of what happens though, I really don't understand all the phone calls. No need. If your children are grown up, you don't even need to worry about communication relating to childcare. Be civil at family occasions and leave it there. He isn't your friend, he's your ex husband. Great that the kids know you can cope with being in the same room together, but absolutely no need for cosy little chats or dishing out advice, etc.

OP, are you really saying that if you had not actively enabled your relationship with your ExH over the past several years, he would not have given his own daughter away at her wedding? That says a lot about him, and may explain why to many people you sound over-invested in someone from whom you've been split for 14 years...

I am not over invested in him at all if I was i would be me ringing him not him ringing me. I never initiate a phone call to him unless it is an emergency regarding his DCs. I have on numerous occasions told him I will not act as middleman for him with his DCs.

Yes it is a problem between my DD and her Dad but as a mother who has picked up all the pieces before it does not stop you from worrying and being angry. I have made it clear the wedding was not about me hence my behaviour on the lead up and on the day. So IMO my talk of disrespect is warranted.

I also have the problem of my youngest DS with the issues he has... he had only just started gaining a relationship with his Dad to the point he would visit him with another family member. Now that is slipping away, even though he is 21 he still needs the support. If I cut all communication with him I will be enabling another relationship loss on top of the one that is imminent through his Grand father being terminal, which on past experience shut my DS away from the world.

I'm proper chuckling at this.

If this was on the steps board and it was the new partner posting about wanting to sit next to the father of the bride (presumably on the top table) and getting him to rush off after his DD's wedding, she's be trashed into the ground.

Goes to show that some folk just post on here to be asshats no matter what the subject is.

OP FWIW I agree with you.

I've been with my DH for over 10 years now and wouldn't expect to sit with him when he gives his DDs from his previous relationship away. She sounds like an arse. Sorry about that.

I agree with ilovesooty that you sound way too invested in your own relationship with this man, which effectively is zero. Your DCs are grown up and can manage their own relationships with him, you don't need to be in contact with him or be involved in his life in any way - but you choose to be. Why is that?

The bride's PARENTS are supposed to be there to support the bride. They should be sitting with her, not his new partner of a few months.
There must have been somewhere else she could have been sitting with [eople she knew or if she didn't know presumably she is capable of making small talk with strangers?

And she is not the gatekeeper to her 'man' - she doesn't get to dictate who talks to him on the phone, least of all when it's one of his children.

She does sound very insecure and she may or may not have good reason to be, but that doesn't excuse a grown woman behaving in such a way. However your ex bears some responsibility for all of this.

Thatisall

You have summed it up well thankyou.

I do think she must fell threatened by me but that is not my problem it is theirs. Not every marriage break up needs to end in nasitness, but because I have worked hard for the last 14 years to try to ensure that my DCs regained their relationships some posters seem to think I am the problem.

Thankyou lovecat and the others that have seen my point of view xx

But she's right to feel threatened isn't she - you seem to have a relationship with him that involves him calling you when she's not around and having long conversations with him where he 'offloads'.

I would stay away from him, he sounds like a loser. Whether his new partner is nice or not is really neither here nor there and shouldn't affect you in the least.

I still feel that if you are continuing to take these phone calls outside his home and away from his fiancee you are part of the problem and remain over invested in him.

You don't sound like a difficult person at all.

Your ex doesn't seem to be good a prioritising his children consistently I'd be annoyed by that too.

If I was the new girlfriend I wouldn't have jumped into photos at the wedding either. I'd have been mindful about how the bride might feel about it and probably encouraged my partner to be in plenty of "mother and father of the bride etc..." photos.

It's up to your daughter if she wants to phone her dad at work too. I'd have been pissed off at the new gf telling me not to. Not the best way to ingratiate yourself to your new partner's family

Probably not much point bothering about the new gf but if ex is upsetting his children they should let him know that.

So obviously his fiance was invited but insisted that she sat next to my Ex, which I felt disrespectful to myself, I told my daughter this but said that I would tolerate it as she was scared that her Dad may not give her away if we did not allow it.
Not keen on the language here. Not only did your daughter have to contend with a flaky father (for reasons both understandable and less so), but you added to this by objecting, then "tolerating" and "allowing". Maybe your daughter could have done with you just biting your lip and taking a more genuine, rather than contrived, moral high ground.

My DD phoned him and she answered the phone saying that my Ex was at work, so my DD said she would ring him, only to be told by her not to do so. My daughter disregarded what she said and rang him. She let her know 2 days before the wedding she was not speaking to her because she disobeyed her, am pleased to say that my DD put her in her place.
Your DD had every right to phone her Dad, and the new lady is being entirely unreasonable here, unless she clarified that he was with a client/in a meeting/etc. "Not speaking to her" is just playground nonsense.

On Saturday I saw her for the first time, she sat next to my Ex, grabbed his hand as soon as he sat down after giving DD away, had a face like a slapped backside all the time.....
I think you may be hyper-aware of the touching and apparent possessiveness. She probably is possessive, and a touch insecure, but it's quite normal (for me, at least) to want to hold hands with the man I love at someone else's wedding.

both her and my Ex left straight after the ceremony, he wanted to get back to his Dad, which I fully appreciate, but he promised to stay to give his speech.
He may come to regret this, he may not. If his Dad wasn't in "immediate" danger (hard to predict, I know), then it seems a little hasty of him, perhaps under her influence.

He was only on one photo a big one including all the guests and low and behold she barged next to him, he was standing next to DD so I just stood at the very end.
Don't get the issue here - presumably you have lots of lovely photos of you and your daughter/her husband.

All this sounds very negative towards you, but I'm not suggesting they are without blame at all. It's a lethal combination - a flaky Dad, an insecure new woman and a slightly tense (better than difficult?) ex wife. As you say, you have wonderful memories of the day - I'd be letting everything else go. Let your ex husband deal with his new life and just roll with it.

I agree emsyj

OP I sense a great many second wives projecting onto your situation. He calls you because you are friends. While his new partner may ask that to stop, it is unreasonable to expect your relationship to go from comfortable and friendly to cold just because she feels threatened,

What part of I am not over invested in him do you not understand?

My DCs are the ones I invest my time in

When he remarried he lost all contact with our DCs and his close family due to the new wife and her actions

Nope. He chooses to prioritise his current partner (whoever that may be) over his children. That's his pattern. It's on him basically.

And while I sympathise over the wedding debacle, I think that in your haste to blame his current girlfriend, you are overlooking the impact that his father being terminally ill will be having on him, and by extension, her.

"If I hadn't have done in the last couple of years then my DD would not have had her Dad give her away!!!!!! "

Sounds as if it would have been better if he hadn't bothered!

Exactly Thatisall

I don't think you sound difficult at all diaim but I know from bitter experience that these sorts of debates tend to polarise people. And that unfortunately however lovely and reasonable a new partner may be (and I have come across a lot of that sort too!) they just cannot have the same investment in your children as you do. Mind you your ex's current gf seems way out of order!

I don't know, but my guess is that Sooty is a second (or subsewhent) partner so is viewing it through that particular prism. Ignore him/her