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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my MIL is a hopeless childcare option

83 replies

RubyRosesMummy · 05/11/2013 13:22

My MIL has been looking after DD (16 mo) for 1 day a week since I went back to work FT in August. DD spends 3 days at nursery and 1 day with me (I condence my 5 days into 4). DD has settled brilliantly at nursery but Im becoming more and more intolerant of how my MIL handles her time with her. MIL is 'scared' of everything. She refuses to put DD down for her daytime nap 'becuase it is cruel id she cries', she refuses to not offer multiple options at meal times when DD has a tantrum 'because its cruel', sho never says 'no' to DD and is basically bullied by my not even 2 yr old daughter. My DD is a really vibrant, bright and happy LO but im very concerned that MIL treatment is having a detremental effect on the hard work I have put in place to introduce routine. DD now wont go down for a nap for me at home without a fight, she occasionally tantrums at food time and when I decline to offer an alternative (yoghurt or toast is what she asks for), if my MIL is present, she just give it to her anyway. The thing im really upset about is the nap situation. I drop DD off to MIL on a Wednesday at 7:15am and collect at 6:30pm . . . .inevitably resulting in a very very tired baby and no quality time during the small slither of time I have with her before bedtime. Ive raised this with my DH and he calims that his Mum is just 'soft' and its good for DD to have different types of people in her life, and of course MIL is doing us a big favour looking after DD. AIBU to labour the point with DH?

OP posts:
Hercy · 05/11/2013 13:30

Yes. If you don't like how she provides free childcare, then pay someone else to do it. She's not being neglectful or treating your daughter badly,she's just spoiling her a bit, as is many grandparents' way.

CoffeeTea103 · 05/11/2013 13:35

She sounds like a normal gm to me, spoiling her gc.

sebsmummy1 · 05/11/2013 13:38

I guess you can't have it both ways. If you are going to opt for free child are using your ILs you are going to have to accept they may be set in their ways and think they know better alternative is you pay someone to follow your rules. Only you can decide that one.

chirpchirp · 05/11/2013 13:43

My MIL looks after my DS one day a week. I trust her to keep my DS safe from harm and do not pay her for her time. In return I NEVER question anything that she does with her DGC. Does he go to bed later than he would at home, yes. Does he have more sugar than he would at home, yes. However she loves him and would never endanger him, they have a brilliant relationship and I trust her judgement.

If you are not happy with the the way she is caring for your DD then by all means pay someone else to do it, it's your child and you should be happy with the arrangements in place but as long your MIL is taking good care of her I think YWBU to raise any of this with her. And don't sweat the naps thing, they will be a thing of the past before you know it.

oscarwilde · 05/11/2013 13:46

I think YAB a bit U. It's presumably free childcare, a chance for your child to build a close relationship with a grandparent and it is not as though your child is being neglected in any way. Irritating yes, BUT, your DD (if we include weekends) spends 6 days a week in her routine. It is a little unfair to entirely blame the occasional misbehaviour/boundary pushing of a 2yo on a single day a week with a grandparent.

Ursula8 · 05/11/2013 13:47

If MIL won't listen to or accept how you want your DDs routine to be, then I would book her into nursery that extra day. Problem Solved. I agree with other posters that you can't complain too much when you are getting the care for free and DD is safe.
If you can afford the extra day at nursery that would definitely be the way to go.

Spirulina · 05/11/2013 13:48

I would first speak to dh again and get him onside somehow...then together maybe tell mil again,firmly,that you are considering using different chidcare to ensure routines are kept

if all that fails then you should move to plan b

oscarwilde · 05/11/2013 13:48

Here's a scenario - in less than a year the naps will be a thing of the past anyway and you will be trying to potty train your DD. Which do you think will help with this process more?
3 days a week in a busy nursery environment, and 4 with family
4 days in nursery, 3 with you.

Who looks after DD currently if she is ill and the nursery won't take her out of interest?

Beastofburden · 05/11/2013 13:51

Give your MIL time to build up her confidence. Its a long time since she has a little one at home, and it's all the more difficult when it's not her own child and she knows you do things differently.

If you take your DD away, or make too many criticisms, you will make your MIL very unhappy and cause harm to the relationship.

I expect MIL's softness is outweighed by the nursery time which will be strict, so it doesn't matter. All kids play their parents up from time to time; if she was in full-time nursery you would just be thinking she was playing you up because she didn't see enough of you.

She is only tiny. From my ancient bag perspective Grin 16 months is still a baby. The nap and food stuff will pass and new challenges will appear where actually your MIL may handle them brilliantly and nursery less well. Go with the flow a bit and be nice.

Happypiglet · 05/11/2013 13:53

YABVU - its a lot to ask a MIL to look after a GC from 7.15am to 6.30pm one day every week- that's more hours than most nurseries will do. I would never ask that of my mum or MIL.
It won't kill her to not nap, eat what she asks for, not be in a strict routine. But the benefits to your family are huge.
However you do have options- book an extra day at nursery.

SeaSickSal · 05/11/2013 13:54

I think she would probably have a tantrum anyway about the nap and the food. I think that blaming it on your mother in law is a convenient way of avoiding the fact that what you are doing isn't working.

Routine is one thing, but making her eat when she isn't hungry and sleep when she's not tired just because it's 'routine' is quite another.

WorraLiberty · 05/11/2013 13:54

AIBU to labour the point with DH?

Yes. Either sit your MIL down and speak to her like an adult or stop using her for childcare.

Why would you 'labour' the point with your DH if he's not so bothered?

Nanny0gg · 05/11/2013 13:54

I don't quite understand why one day out of seven upsets the applecart quite so much. Three days at nursery and three with you should keep her routine in place, surely?

GobbolinoCat · 05/11/2013 13:57

unfortunately I think these things need to be thrashed out before the event not after.

Also Granny spoiling DC occasionally is one thing, a bit different if granny is used for child care and see s child for a long day every week.

Again its a shame rules were not spoken about before.

I would get your DH to gently ask her if she would consider compromising on a few things for your sake.

Also its an age when they do change i am afraid, you think you get into a routine and they go awol on you.

CaptainSweatPants · 05/11/2013 13:58

What hours does she do at nursery?
7.15 - 6.30 is a very long day
Sometimes it's just not worth condensing your hours when it means 4 overly long days

GobbolinoCat · 05/11/2013 13:59

worra

Maybe he isn't bothered because he doesn't see as much of the child and does not realise how much the DC has or is changing...

parakeet · 05/11/2013 14:01

Agree with all the posters who said YABU but also, she might be about ready to drop the nap anyway, it might not be your MIL's "fault".

IneedAsockamnesty · 05/11/2013 14:01

Yabu.

You made a choice that suited you everybody knows gp's or other sources of free childcare rarely work out if you have big differences in parenting styles.

Either chill out or pay a professional

mercibucket · 05/11/2013 14:02

how can one day a week make her behaviour change so much? you are mil blaming. mine dropped naps at 18 months anyway, and stropped about food at that age, its an age thing

what is your alternative for those hours? would a nursery take her for that long? is it so long because you have to drive miles out of your way to mil?

MammaTJ · 05/11/2013 14:09

Children very quickly realise who they can mainipulate. They also still recognise who they can't. So, I think that this will not have a long term detramental affect on your DD. Especially as she is only with her for one day a week. Just continue the way you are, being firm but fair and it will be fine.

PrimalLass · 05/11/2013 14:09

Why doesn't she do the buggy or car thing if she won't put your DD down in a cot? That's what my ILs did. (My DS only needed popped into his grobag and told to go to sleep BTW Grin).

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 05/11/2013 14:09

I was about to say temper tantrum go up and naps down around this age.

Do talk to your MIL but some change in behaviour may well be developmental.

Thurlow · 05/11/2013 14:10

It's granny doing what grannies do, which is spoiling their grandchildren. They pretty much all do it. My parents are great, they do listen to what I say about food and naps and time out.... but DD still gets spoilt when she's with them and she still gets away with murder. Just as I did when I stayed with my grandparents.

The problem is that she is looking after your DD so regularly. You can try and broach a few things with her, I think, in a very, very nice way - maybe say that not having a nap makes DD terrible in the evenings and sleep less well at night, so you appreciate she doesn't like putting her down for a nap but she does really need one - *but^ you would have to say it so nicely, and continue to thank her for the free childcare.

It's wonderful when grandparents want to and can be so involved with their grandkids. But they aren't just there to provide free childcare whenever a parent needs it. They've raised their kids, they've done their time, their relationship with their grandchildren should be fun now, not another time around of raising a child.

If you take free childcare it's much harder to impose many restrictions on it. I agree with the others, YABU - if you want to be able to set firm rules, you have to pay for it.

NoComet · 05/11/2013 14:13

YABVU and a total control freak.

As others have said just think what you are throwing away in terms if sick day and odd hours child care now and in the future if you have petty rows with MIL.

I and 1000's of other MNers don't have family round the corner for free child care. Believe me you don't know how lucky you are.

And how much more important that child care is once DCs start school and it isn't simply a case of throwing money at the problem.

After school club won't take DC to swimming lessons, collect DC from piano. Popping round and collecting forgot end kit on the way, but granny will.

Granny will have DC to sleep on your wedding Aniversery, the CM won't.

Think about it

Davsmum · 05/11/2013 14:17

You are lucky to have a MIL who will look after your DD.
I doubt the way she is with your DD is going to cause a lot of harm for just 1 day a week!
Your DH is right - Your daughter does need to have different types of people in her life and from what you say - your DD will just learn she can get away with stuff with her Grandmother - All you need to do is be consistent with your DD in the way YOU deal with her.

Basically - you are expecting your MIL to change the way she is. She is not 'trained' in childcare - she is just a grandmother who loves her GD and has her own way of doing things.
YABU