Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to think that my MIL is a hopeless childcare option

83 replies

RubyRosesMummy · 05/11/2013 13:22

My MIL has been looking after DD (16 mo) for 1 day a week since I went back to work FT in August. DD spends 3 days at nursery and 1 day with me (I condence my 5 days into 4). DD has settled brilliantly at nursery but Im becoming more and more intolerant of how my MIL handles her time with her. MIL is 'scared' of everything. She refuses to put DD down for her daytime nap 'becuase it is cruel id she cries', she refuses to not offer multiple options at meal times when DD has a tantrum 'because its cruel', sho never says 'no' to DD and is basically bullied by my not even 2 yr old daughter. My DD is a really vibrant, bright and happy LO but im very concerned that MIL treatment is having a detremental effect on the hard work I have put in place to introduce routine. DD now wont go down for a nap for me at home without a fight, she occasionally tantrums at food time and when I decline to offer an alternative (yoghurt or toast is what she asks for), if my MIL is present, she just give it to her anyway. The thing im really upset about is the nap situation. I drop DD off to MIL on a Wednesday at 7:15am and collect at 6:30pm . . . .inevitably resulting in a very very tired baby and no quality time during the small slither of time I have with her before bedtime. Ive raised this with my DH and he calims that his Mum is just 'soft' and its good for DD to have different types of people in her life, and of course MIL is doing us a big favour looking after DD. AIBU to labour the point with DH?

OP posts:

2468Motorway · 05/11/2013 14:22

True Starball

Family childcare is usually so much more flexible than nurseries and childminders.

Honestly these issues sound small. In future she will prob act up a bit for Granny (but not for you). If Granny doesn't mind I'd leave it and be glad she seems to enjoy helping.

Annakin31 · 05/11/2013 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoctorRobert · 05/11/2013 14:27

the thing is though, you don't know whether any of it is down to your mil. I looked after my dd 24/7 until she was 2.5 - so no change to her routine at all - yet she has always gone through phases where she will fall asleep, won't fall asleep, will eat, won't eat, has tantrums, doesn't have tantrums.

DoctorRobert · 05/11/2013 14:29

oh and yes, yabu. I am lucky enough to have my parents help me out with child care now, and even if they did things differently I wouldn't dream of challenging them on it!

DontmindifIdo · 05/11/2013 14:37

Questions a) can you afford a 4th day at nursery and b) do the nursery have a place? My advice is find out the answer to these before you do anything else.

Grandparents tend to spoil DGC in their care. They also are not going to do things your way in the same way you can expect a paid for childcare to do it. They aren't going to be as confident as someone who's job it is to look after toddlers. They are, however, cheaper and can be more flexible on hours.

Decide what's important. It is unlikely you can change how your MIL looks after DD, so decide if the upsides (it being free, it being flexible and it being family childcare) are worth the downsides.

DuckToWater · 05/11/2013 14:40

Just think of it as a very small amount of time that your daughter will be small and need naps and a set routine- My PILs had DD1 for one day a week and they often let her nap too late and it was a nightmare getting her to sleep that night, which is horrible when you are tired from work etc. By the time DD2 came around they were much better with her in general, but they still did annoying little things sometimes like when I had got home from work a bit early and was just going to lie down for 20 minutes before they brought DDs back, spontaneously deciding to come back early themselves- it was just unfortunate, not on purpose but when you are stressed out, tired and not a little depressed as I was it does seem like a big thing.

I'd say stick with them if they are really happy to have her for a day a week and differing parenting styles are the only issue. It is lovely for DCs to have a close relationship with GPs and many many people don't have this support. I also sympathise with how irritating it can be when someone well meaning causes you a problem which seems big at the time. Kids get bigger and this type of thing gets much easier.

TheFabulousIdiot · 05/11/2013 14:40

A two year old can't bully.

Perhaps the not going down for a nap is an indication that she no longer needs one?

I think you MIL sounds fine, she's not abusing your daughter.

My son is with my mum one day a week and she has never been able to get him to nap, at least not once he was over 18 months. he's now almost 3 and dropped his nap at nursery ages ago.

Perhaps you are mistaking normal developmental changes with 'bad' parenting by your MIL?

WorraLiberty · 05/11/2013 14:43

Maybe he isn't bothered because he doesn't see as much of the child and does not realise how much the DC has or is changing...

Well yes, or maybe he thinks the OP is over reacting/using MIL as a scapegoat. We could think of 100 different reasons if we try...which is why it's probably best to stick to what the OP has said about his view.

Either way, it's the OP who has a problem with her MIL so I don't think it's fair for her to 'labour the point' with her DH.

NeedlesCuties · 05/11/2013 14:45

I do think YABU, but on the other hand I would also be annoyed if my MIL kept telling me that things were "cruel".

Have a big think about what you want for your DD, and any future DC you might have.

givemeaclue · 05/11/2013 14:47

Most two year olds occasionally tantrum at meal time. Most are also tired by 6.30 even if they have had a nap.

SleepRefugee · 05/11/2013 15:11

I'd love to have a MIL like that. YABU.

Twoandtwomakeschaos · 05/11/2013 15:16

But the MiL undermines the Op's parenting when they are both there ......

Ruffcat · 05/11/2013 15:24

I wish my mil would look after my dc's one day a year, but she won't.

You are being very precious, be careful not to offend your free helpful flexible childcare

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 05/11/2013 15:27

Oh those wicked PIL.

We, DP and me, have 11 GC between us. We provide in total about 48 hours of childcare a week, if you include overnights. We are the only way two families can continue to work, and earn enough to survive. We are constantly picking up and dropping off at school, activities, parties, plays etc etc. We bought up our own children quite adequately.

I would be, ahem, lessthan impressed if we were referred to as any kind of " childcare option ". Childcare options -you pay for them. We are free. And if we want to spoil our GC.....we will.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 05/11/2013 15:31

ps. Just realised, if you count individual child hours, it's well over 120 hours a week.

We both work FT. Luckily, we work locally, and have flexible hours.

ssd · 05/11/2013 15:41

op, you sound spoilt and entitled, bet your MIL is fed up with you taking the piss out of her, you need to learn to say thank you to her, not call her hopeless

Objection · 05/11/2013 16:04

This would drive me insane. YANBU at all. I can't offer a solution other than alternative childcare and visits from Grandma instead.

They are your children and should be treated how you wish (unless neglectfully obviously). Yes she is providing free childcare and that's lovely but that doesn't free her of all upbringing responsibility. I presume she is happy to provide that childcare and therefore should be providing the same level of care as a CM or nursery IMO - if we were discussing a nursery the responses would be very different.
It doesn't matter if she is free or being paid, OP is in charge here.

Arcadia · 05/11/2013 16:06

YABU. You are lucky to have the help. You do come across a bit ungrateful. My DM lives ten miles away but would not have my DD when i am at work because she basically doesn't want to. She doesn't work and is perfectly healthy but I think she has decided she has done her bit raising me and my siblings. She is not that keen on small children and finds them boring and hard work.

I think you are being too precious about the routine, you sound a bit rigid about it TBH. As they get older you can relax the routine a bit anyway. I agree that children - even very young ones - are good at learning that different rules apply with different people.

If It is really going to bother you and affect your relationship with your MIL in the long term then one of you will need to cut hours or use an extra day at nursery.

Beastofburden · 05/11/2013 16:10

All a bit pfb I am afraid. A bit of variety doesn't hurt; none of these things matter very much; when she is a teenager you will look back and laugh and be very pleased that she has a strong relationship with her DGM.

I also note a lot of people are more tolerant of their DM than their MIL when it comes to bringing up kids. It's almost as if they want to keep their MIL in her place and show her who's boss. Not the OP particularly, just saying that MN can give some quite hostile advice re MILs. Having been married nearly 25 years I think that there is a long period of getting used to having another adult woman in the picture, and you need to give it time.

FrenchJunebug · 05/11/2013 16:10

have you considered she might be tantrumy because of her age not because of your MIL's attitude?!

HaroldLloyd · 05/11/2013 16:12

I'm just feeling a bit sorry for MIL who seems to be carrying the can for what sounds like normal toddler behaviour.

Much nicer for DD to have a day a week with her gran and the nursery experience than just nursery.

ssd · 05/11/2013 16:13

objection, you sound lovely.

do you get free childcare too?

MrsOakenshield · 05/11/2013 16:16

that is a very long day, and the fact that your MiL looks after her for that day is not to be sneezed at. I very much doubt that one day with Granny is derailing everything, and it's lovely for the two of them to spend time together - as long as your MiL is happy to do this? Is she? Or os she being pressurized into 'providing childcare'? The meal things I wouldn't sweat, the naps I can see is more of an issue (I don't know about those saying she might drop them soon anyway - ime most children have a lunchtime nap till they're 2 and a half, even longer?). But think about it - if she isn't napping your MiL must be bloody exhausted, looking after her with no break to speak of. Maybe the 2 of you need to work together on that one?

But don't call her hopeless, that's dreadfully mean and ungrateful.

HaroldLloyd · 05/11/2013 16:17

"If we were discussing a nursery the replies would be different"

Er, yes, no shit Sherlock.

Unless of course the OP is paying her the going rate.

waterrat · 05/11/2013 16:20

There is no way that your daughters nap routine is being affected by one day a week with no nap - my son naps well with me even though twice a week at the childminder he doesn't sleep so well - completely normal

And I also don't believe that how yor mil feeds her once a week impacts on her behaviour - at 16 months she will behave in odd ways!

You are being mean and unreasonable - let her do her thing - personally I would push for her to have a nap even if in buggy but once a week won't kill her

Flip

1 2 3 4