to think that my MIL is a hopeless childcare option

[RubyRosesMummy]

My MIL has been looking after DD (16 mo) for 1 day a week since I went back to work FT in August. DD spends 3 days at nursery and 1 day with me (I condence my 5 days into 4). DD has settled brilliantly at nursery but Im becoming more and more intolerant of how my MIL handles her time with her. MIL is 'scared' of everything. She refuses to put DD down for her daytime nap 'becuase it is cruel id she cries', she refuses to not offer multiple options at meal times when DD has a tantrum 'because its cruel', sho never says 'no' to DD and is basically bullied by my not even 2 yr old daughter. My DD is a really vibrant, bright and happy LO but im very concerned that MIL treatment is having a detremental effect on the hard work I have put in place to introduce routine. DD now wont go down for a nap for me at home without a fight, she occasionally tantrums at food time and when I decline to offer an alternative (yoghurt or toast is what she asks for), if my MIL is present, she just give it to her anyway. The thing im really upset about is the nap situation. I drop DD off to MIL on a Wednesday at 7:15am and collect at 6:30pm . . . .inevitably resulting in a very very tired baby and no quality time during the small slither of time I have with her before bedtime. Ive raised this with my DH and he calims that his Mum is just 'soft' and its good for DD to have different types of people in her life, and of course MIL is doing us a big favour looking after DD. AIBU to labour the point with DH?

Kids aren't silly, they soon pick up that there are different rules in different places and adjust accordingly. They need to be able to adjust accordingly as life isn't consistent.

If it's something you feel strongly about then find someone else to care for your child on that day and leave the MIL to just be a doting granny.

I don't think you can force mil to do it your way.

Might be best to send her to nursery for the extra day.

I agree with someone up thread who said they were very long days for dd to be in nursery and it might be an idea to think about going back to a 5 day week.

Is the one day at home really worth such long days (especially with winter on the way)? You both night find it easier having 5 shorter days (spending more time with each other before and aftwr nursery) and you will still have your whole weekend together.

Just be glad you have a lovely MIL, some of us are not so fortunate and have never had family childcare. Your MIL is looking after her grandchild she is not your paid employee. She must have done a decent job with her own son - your DH.

Yabu. She's doing you a great favour and probably enjoys spending time with your child. I had zero help with my two 17 months apart, unless MIL gave me an hour once a month so I could do the food shop unhharrassed.

I find it hard to believe the different approach one day a week would have the massive impact you're saying it does... Are you blaming MIL for something she isn't actually responsible for?

Having said that, I wouldn't be happy to feel undermined and that someone providing regular childcare wasnt following the routines I wanted. That's the major issue with using a relative unpaid though isn't it? It says you money but you don't have the control you want.

I totally agree that children pick up that they can behave differently with different people. I also think many grandparents naturally want a close and loving relationship without the responsibility and restriction of having to stick to rules all the time. Going to visit my own grandparent as a child was always wonderful, and part of that was getting a bit spoilt and the change from routine. It was special. Once grandparents become unpaid childminders on a regular basis, it's a different dynamic, and IMO only works effectively if they are genuinely comfortable with taking on that role rather than just being the grandparent who can spoil them a bit and let them stay up late etc

So, I think you either need to accept how your MIL is with good grace, or use proper paid childcare for that day so that your DD gets to spend time with her granny without all the expectations which come with childcare

saves you money

It's not good to be undermined - I'd try to address that issue with her. Point out how grateful you are for the free childcare she gives you but that you feel a united front is very important to you, so that at least when both of you are there, she should accept your ways and defer to you.
When she is alone with your daughter, you will have to let her be granny or use paid childcare IMO.
I'm anti crying and strict routines myself though, so am obviously biased towards your MIL's approach.

allmycats totally agree. I also have no family to help out with 5dc and would love a DM or MIL to help for even an hour, never mind the long day OPs MIL does.

OP you should be grateful. If I was your MIL and knew how you were speaking about me, I would not help you again. A MIL who helps out, cares for your DC and does so for free and you have the cheek to moan

Pay for an extra days childcare and see how you get on then.........