to think that my MIL is a hopeless childcare option

[RubyRosesMummy]

My MIL has been looking after DD (16 mo) for 1 day a week since I went back to work FT in August. DD spends 3 days at nursery and 1 day with me (I condence my 5 days into 4). DD has settled brilliantly at nursery but Im becoming more and more intolerant of how my MIL handles her time with her. MIL is 'scared' of everything. She refuses to put DD down for her daytime nap 'becuase it is cruel id she cries', she refuses to not offer multiple options at meal times when DD has a tantrum 'because its cruel', sho never says 'no' to DD and is basically bullied by my not even 2 yr old daughter. My DD is a really vibrant, bright and happy LO but im very concerned that MIL treatment is having a detremental effect on the hard work I have put in place to introduce routine. DD now wont go down for a nap for me at home without a fight, she occasionally tantrums at food time and when I decline to offer an alternative (yoghurt or toast is what she asks for), if my MIL is present, she just give it to her anyway. The thing im really upset about is the nap situation. I drop DD off to MIL on a Wednesday at 7:15am and collect at 6:30pm . . . .inevitably resulting in a very very tired baby and no quality time during the small slither of time I have with her before bedtime. Ive raised this with my DH and he calims that his Mum is just 'soft' and its good for DD to have different types of people in her life, and of course MIL is doing us a big favour looking after DD. AIBU to labour the point with DH?

Objection, perhaps the MIL doesn't see it as "providing childcare" but rather as spending time with her grandchild? That makes a big difference, and I suspect that is how most GP's see having the GC, even on a regular basis.

*objection, you sound lovely.

do you get free childcare too?*

I am lovely, thank you.

And I'm a Nanny. I would be burned alive for not following a routine with the children I look after and know of the difference a united front with children.

sorry, "the diffrence a united front with children can make".

I'm brain dead today

I can understand why you feel like this. I chose my CM based on the consistency of our approaches to childcare because I felt it was important. But my CM was having my DC 5x a week full time.

Your MIL is doing 1 day a week. All that will happen as a result of her very different approach is that your DD will learn sooner than most that you can behave in different ways with different people. As long as you remain consistent in your dealings with your DD, this will quickly pass. Although your DD may well push for food choices or continue to reject her nap simply because that's what very young children do.

If your MIL was having your DD more often, you'd have a much stronger case for trying to impose your approach for DD's benefit, but at one day a week, you really don't and will just look like a control freak.

However, if it's really bothering you - and it's ok to feel put out about something concerning your child even if others think you are totally unreasonable - then look to put her in nursery an extra day or find a CM. One of the main advantages of professional childcare is that paying affords you the right to demand certain things.

objection, the main differences between you as a nanny and gran offering childcare is:

1. you are paid, she is not

2.you are paid, she is not

3.you are paid, she is not

do you see where this is going?

anyway op, where are you??

off flaying granny alive?

Even paying someone unless like you say you find a CM with very similar ways of doing things to you, you cant 100% lay down the routine.

They struggle to get DS to nap at nursery, too much going on.

He just gets a longer nap the day after.

You have to fall in with their meal times etc. You can ask do this do that, but you never know if its really getting done.

DS loves his nursery and the staff and that is absolutely the most important thing to me, not that they stick rigidly to a routine.

I do understand that some form of a routine is necessary for some children, I made sure DS naps at home or he is satanic so I am not totally without sympathy.

I think the DH is right, it IS good for her to have different people in her life.

My DS wakes very early, has a long nap at lunchtime and is still tired out by 630pm, so I think it's only natural that your DD would be tired by then even if she had had a lunchtime nap!

I get that you're frustrated she doesn't nap. When my MIL (abroad so very rarely) has DS she wouldn't want him napping either, because he gets treated like a toy for her to play with. So he only goes to her after his nap. However, it must be a very long day for your MIL so I don't understand why she wouldn't want a break in the middle? Maybe suggest she take your DD out in the buggy (does she nap in a buggy) so that she gets a nap then MIL can come back home for a cup of tea and put her feet up! I would work on that and let the meal thing go.

My mil looked after dd1 from 3 months old for 3 days a week. I never questioned anything she did, as I knew dd was safe and happy.

That would be my main criteria for childcare, for one day a week.

I think it's lovely that your dd can have a close relationship with her grandma.

I would just make suggestions, for example if MIL doesn't like putting her down because she crys (I wouldn't like that either) suggest she has a snooze on the sofa, watching a DVD.

First, as a grandmother who provides child care, I'm amazed your mil can manage such a long day without the break a nap offers. How on earth does she cope? Is she still quite young herself?

Oh - and you're quite sure she's to blame for the change in routine? You're absolutely sure the nursery follows your instructions to the letter and that your daughter sleeps perfectly well there? (In which case, why won't she sleep when you're in charge?)

I'm a well-behaved granny - I know my place, stick to the same routine as my dil, and am happy to help my family out - however...it is a job, it prevents me doing other stuff, and it is hard work. I don't do it "to spend time with my grandchildren" or to fill my endless boring days. I brought up four of my own and while I'm happy to do this for my children and adore my grandchildren, it isn't some kind of big treat. I really, really enjoy my "days off".

The assumption that looking after a lively toddler is somehow great fun for granny but a big chore for parents is one I find perplexing - and I see it a lot on here. Even if the grandparent is taking shortcuts, "spoiling" and not imposing rules, it must still be more tiring for an older person, surely?

If you trust the nursery to do your bidding (and to offer such long hours) then I guess you make that choice.

Well I can see where the op is coming from in terms of naps - opposite problem though! My dad has ds one afternoon a week and let him have a 2 hour snooze the other week, I had to have a gentle word because it led to total meltdown and took us til 10.00pm to settle him that night (ds is 4 and naps fell by the wayside a lonnng time ago).

Generally though I let dad get on with it - its been wonderful to see their friendship develop and dads confidence blossom over the years (except for one daft person who told my dad he was weird for looking after his grandchildren on his own) - he sees it very much as spending time with his gs rather than child-care.

I think I'd let most things go rather than jeopardize their relationship.

Yanbu same thing happened with my mother who looked after dd 5 days a week. She completely disregarded the routine I had in place, exactly the same reasons as you - cruel to let her cry etc so resulted in dd screaming abd crying from overtiredness wgen I'd pick her up and spending no timw together in the hr we had. She would only feed her bread as my fpod wasn't good enough. Everything was a struggle. Eventually I put dd ij nursery. Couldn't be happier.

She's a grandparent, not a "childcare option". You are incredibly lucky to have her looking after your child for such a long day. And, yes, your DH is right: it is good for her to have different people in her life, and in particular to have the lovely presence of a slightly spoiling grandmother. You'll have to think about paying someone if you want to dictate how things are done. Grandparents are entitled to have a bit of say in how they grandparent, though of course compromise has a place for both of you, not just for you.

ButThereAgain - but the OP's MIL is a childcare option because her looking after their DD is one of their childcare options... she's doing childcare for the day, it's not working out for the OP, she has a choice of childcare options, keep with Granny doing it, or use a nursery and go back to Granny just being a grandparent and not doing childcare.

I think I was a bit harsh in my previous post, I'm having a shit time myself and was a bit stronger minded than I would be normally, I apologise.

I still maintain however that it doesn't seem unreasonable to want someone who is looking after your children to stick to your routine.

OP also states that MIL doesn't even respect her authority in her own home, which is not giving a great impression in front of the children. I don't think that is fair or at all reasonable of the MIL.

Yes, well done to the MIL for taking the children for such a chunk each week but it doesn't sound like she is being very responsible for not giving the children naps or pandering to them during eating.

(again, apologise for being so strong worded earlier. I'm nice again now )

There seems on here to be a lot of MIL bashing about such trivial matters. She sounds great. Be thankful.

my MIL provided free, regular childcare when DC was small. She undermined me always.

I was grateful for the help but resented it massively. I wished I had been able to pay a non relative who would do what I wanted. Fast forward a few years and she does not provide childcare as no longer needed in that way. DC adores her.

I didn't realise how lucky I was
The undermining was annoying but the benefits so much more though not all immediately apparent.

YABU. She is giving you a gift..Appreciate it don't look for faults.

When my DS was 2 he never went down for a nap without a fight and he frequently tantrummed at meal times.

Unfortunately I didn't have a convenient MIL to blame for any of these, so I just had to accept he was starting to drop his nap and growing up.

Incidentally if your DD regularly gets from 7.15 to 6.30 without a nap, she quite possibly doesn't need one (or not every day). Otherwise she would likely be spontaneously dozing off.

I wouldn't worry.
It sounds as though she' just spoiling he a bit, like grandmothers are meant to.
I wouldn't be too quick to think that the issues you're having with her nap/ food etc are entirely down to MIl tbh. Your DD is likely to have these behaviour changes with you anyway, as a reaction to the change from you returning to work.
I can see it can be frustrating but if your d d is happy and well looked after maybe it's worth it overall. It's nice (IMO) that she gets to spend that time with her granny. And nice for granny too maybe.

burned alive ???
How disturbing.

I think your MIL sounds very caring and lovely to your DD. I think you and her are lucky to have her. Clearly you have a difference in parenting style but maybe you should be open-minded and listen to what she has to say. I think you need to put the needs of your DD first, not you and your desire to have a routine. Your DD isn't 'playing you up' or manipulating you she wants choices and options around sleeping and eating. Your MIL is offering her that and you aren't. Your DD is protesting with you because she doesn't like you controlling her. IMO the best thing for your DD would be to be with her loving GM, and probably for you to not condense your days I would say. That is a LONG time away from you for a little one. And for you to drop the routine and the limits, and go with the flow a bit more.

I think YABU I'm afraid. One day a week is really not going to impact on your routine. Dc change all the time with regards to feeding and naps. I would let it go myself. You are very lucky to have her. Lets face it, who else in the entire world would take on someone else's baby and toddler for nearly a 12 hour day unpaid. I think my dd benefitted hugely from being with someone who really loved her all day for the one day a week MIL came. My MIL did spoil her - far more cakes in cafes than I would have allowed, but you really can't beat the bond it forms between them. If you make a fuss now I think you might regret it in a few years' time.

Maybe you could talk t her about ways of helping her nap without crying.
It's good for her to nap. But I wouldn't have left my DC with anyone who left them to cry. We all have different ways of doing things. Try to work together.
I would give so much to have a mil tbh.

op has never came back