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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We'll....AIBU?!? WWYD??

104 replies

Lovemy3kids · 04/11/2013 16:41

DD has needed a new pair of school shoes for the past month. I said she had to ask her dad, my ex, for new shoes. So far, he has refused to purchase them and out of principle, I am refusing to buy them too.

At the moment she is wearing her school daps to school, and her father is aware of this.

I provide everything for our 3 DC as he refuses to pay maintenance for them and I feel that if he is not going to contribute as he has been asked, then a new pair of school shoes isn't really that big a deal.

Mu mum says I should buy her a pair, and I feel the he should buy her a pair.

AIBU?!?

OP posts:
DaleyBump · 04/11/2013 16:42

I think someone should buy your poor dd a pair of shoes. It's not her fault you can't sort it out Hmm

AgentZigzag · 04/11/2013 16:43

It's not fair to take out whatever's going on between you and your ex on your DD, YABU.

Find another way of sorting out maintenance that doesn't involve her walking round in 'daps' (whatever they are, plimmys?).

HorryIsUpduffed · 04/11/2013 16:43

I'd buy them. Going to school in the wrong shoes can be horrible for children.

How old?

basgetti · 04/11/2013 16:43

Buy her the shoes and then contact the CSA. Poor kid.

HansieMom · 04/11/2013 16:44

You should buy her shoes as she needs them. What a nasty guy though.

Pascha · 04/11/2013 16:44

I sincerely hope someone grows up and buys her a pair. Its cold today. Daps won't last her too long into autumn and its hardly her fault is it?

DontmindifIdo · 04/11/2013 16:45

poor girl, caught in the middle of adults fighting. Take him to CSA/speak to a solicitor, and get her shoes.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 16:46

Can I buy your daughter a pair of proper school shoes ? Her feet must be freezing in this cold weather.

pictish · 04/11/2013 16:46

Rise above it and buy the shoes!
Then contact the CSA.

TheFabulousIdiot · 04/11/2013 16:48

why don't YOU ask him. Why put your daughter in the middle?

Is this a reverse AIBU?

Original poster
Lovemy3kids · 04/11/2013 16:50

She's 8 and she really doesn't have a problem with wearing daps.

I know I should rise above it and I have contacted the CSA and have been chasing payments since February of this year.

The annoying thing is is that he has just bought a 5-bed house with his current beau and her children yet refuses his own daughter.

Had I of been receiving payments from him, I wouldn't be digging my heels in.

OP posts:
RevelsRoulette · 04/11/2013 16:50

Your child needs shoes. Yes, he should be contributing more to what his child needs but he isn't and she needs shoes.

Would you leave her without a coat in the snow because he ought to buy her one? Give her no breakfast because he ought to be paying towards food?

Yes, he's being a shit. Go to the CSA, do whatever you have to do but you don't leave your child without what she needs because her father is a feckless arsewipe.

If you're hoping to shame him into stepping up - forget it. He is already happy to pay nothing towards his children, you think he gives a shit?

And it is really unfair to put this onto your child's shoulders. a kid should not have to feel anxious about the basics.

livinginwonderland · 04/11/2013 16:50

You're both being unreasonable and immature.

She's a kid. She shouldn't be caught up in your petty argument. If she needs shoes, buy her some shoes and deal with your problems with her dad seperately. Don't use her to pass on your messages, it's so unfair on her.

YouTheCat · 04/11/2013 16:50

Get money from him through the CSA.

It is getting really cold now - she needs proper shoes.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/11/2013 16:51

Seriously? Get the poor girl some shoes. Then worry about contacting the csa and him YOURSELF!!

Pachacuti · 04/11/2013 16:51

You need to buy her shoes. Is there a reason you haven't contacted the CSA (or have you done it and they are being ineffectual)?

Handbagsonnhold · 04/11/2013 16:51

I think definately get her the shoes....

Original poster
Lovemy3kids · 04/11/2013 16:51

I have asked him to explain as to why he won't buy her a pair of shoes, yet he refuses to answer.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 04/11/2013 16:51

Agree with everyone else. Buy the girl a pair of shoes, and stop using her in this way. It's not her fault he's not paying maintenance and every child in Britain in this weather should have a pair of shoes.
Once that immediate situation is resolved, then get the regular maintenance payments sorted - via courts / CSA if that's what's needed, but please don't use your daughter in this way.

pictish · 04/11/2013 16:52

But she's the one who will suffer, not him! He doesn't care if you dig yiur heels in. He has bought a 5 bedroomed house, yet won't pay for his own daughter, so the protest will go totally ignored!

SaucyJack · 04/11/2013 16:52

YABU.

My ex doesn't pay me a penny either, but it is not the children' fault and I do not make them suffer for his cuntishness.

RevelsRoulette · 04/11/2013 16:52

x post.

Do you think he gives a shit?

If he gave a flying fuck about his children's needs - he'd be contributing.

She could be going barefoot and he still wouldn't pay.

Just get her the shoes. It's not her fault her dad is a twat and she shouldn't be without shoes because of it.

BuzzardBirdsBigBangers · 04/11/2013 16:53

I can understand your feelings but it is your dd who is suffering. She is 8, she shouldn't have to ask for shoes, she should be provided with them. By all means let her know when she is old enough to understand that her father was a loser but I don't think it can be doing much for her self esteem to be aware that he doesn't give a shit at the ripe old age of 8.

DameDeepRedBetty · 04/11/2013 16:54

At eight she IS old enough to be well aware that everyone else has proper shoes, and she's also old enough to be aware that talking about all this makes mummy upset, so will reassure you that she's fine when she isn't really.

Get her some shoes, and then throw the CSA at her dad.

darkdays · 04/11/2013 16:54

Buy her some shoes for gods sake. Who are you to put a petty argument before your daughter. Yes he should contribute, but heclearly isn't going to willingly. You are being childish.