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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We'll....AIBU?!? WWYD??

104 replies

Lovemy3kids · 04/11/2013 16:41

DD has needed a new pair of school shoes for the past month. I said she had to ask her dad, my ex, for new shoes. So far, he has refused to purchase them and out of principle, I am refusing to buy them too.

At the moment she is wearing her school daps to school, and her father is aware of this.

I provide everything for our 3 DC as he refuses to pay maintenance for them and I feel that if he is not going to contribute as he has been asked, then a new pair of school shoes isn't really that big a deal.

Mu mum says I should buy her a pair, and I feel the he should buy her a pair.

AIBU?!?

OP posts:
PeterParkerSays · 04/11/2013 16:54

I haven't heard "daps" used for pumps since I was at school - a girl moved to the area from mid-Wales, and she used it.

I can understand why you're pissed off at your ex, but your DD needs shoes. If it were a party dress, then fine, but school shoes are an essential that she has to have.

fieldfare · 04/11/2013 16:54

Buy her the shoes and contact the CSA.

MrsOakenshield · 04/11/2013 16:55

I would love to know what his current DP thinks of how he treats his children, I really don't think I could set up shop with someone who trated them like that.

What are daps?

I think you need to get her the shoes as she's piggy-in-the-middle otherwise. I can understand your frustration though, so you are NBU in that regard.

LadyVetinari · 04/11/2013 16:56

I can't believe you even need to ask - of course your poor DD shouldn't be going without necessary equipment while you play chicken with her father! The fact that he's denying his responsibilities "on principle" is no justification for you to do the same. Shame on you both Sad.

ArtOfficial · 04/11/2013 16:58

do you get child benefit? yes?
then buy your child some shoes ffs
and then keep her out of your arguments with your ex

Thurlow · 04/11/2013 17:01

What are daps? Confused

Poor your DD, playing piggy in the middle while the two of your argue about her. That's quite horrible, really. She's 8, fgs.

Mabelface · 04/11/2013 17:01

I'm a little Hmm that you actually told your 8 year old daughter that she had to ask her father to buy her some shoes. That's really involving her in your arguments. Buy some for the poor kid.

BringBackBod · 04/11/2013 17:01

YABU
I'm sorry that your ex isn't giving you any maintenance, he sounds like a shit, but if you can afford to buy your dd shoes, then of course you should do.
What have you told your dd with regard to her having no school shoes?

Isildur · 04/11/2013 17:01

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Buy the child a pair of shoes, otherwise you're as bad as he is.

Stropping and complaining about his new house won't make him give more of a fuck about your daughter's footwear, and sooner or later the school will start asking why your child isn't dressed appropriately.

CissyMeldrum · 04/11/2013 17:05

What the hell is your dd supposed to do when it rains ,buy the shoes then contact the csa. You can't say you provide everything for your dd ,then refuse to buy her shoes ,your ex is a knob don't sink to his level .

Nanny0gg · 04/11/2013 17:06

What are daps
Plimsolls I assume.

This is yet another:

'AIBU?'

'YES!!'

'Don't care.'

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 04/11/2013 17:07

Ooh, you go on and use your daughter in your weird games, that'll learn him Hmm

Your poor DD

KhunZhoop · 04/11/2013 17:07

Jesus H Christ, buy your child some bloody shoes, then sort out the rest of the crap later!

aturtlenamedmack · 04/11/2013 17:09

Can I ask what 'principle' he is refusing to buy them on?
What ever the answer is, you should do as the other posters say and buy her some and then contact the csa and get what your daughter is entitled to from him.
He is a massive wanker - but don't leave your daughter without just to face off with him.
Show yourself to be the bigger person and the better parent and rise above this pettiness and go through the proper channels to get the right financial support for your daughter.

PatriciaHolm · 04/11/2013 17:10

The moment it rains she's going to have sore soggy feet.

He isn't going to be guilted into anything, this is not a game you can win and your poor DD shouldn't be being used as a pawn in your power struggles. Buy her the shoes she needs.

HyvaPaiva · 04/11/2013 17:11

Why are you making your daughter suffer for this?

Sad
TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 04/11/2013 17:12

I just couldn't see my child go without something essential to prove some bizarre point.

Its pretty shameful tbh.

FreakinRexManningDay · 04/11/2013 17:15

Yes your ex is a dick but so are you for putting your poor dd in the middle of it.
Grow up and buy your child a pair of shoes.

TallulahBetty · 04/11/2013 17:15

May I be the first to say Biscuit

CairoPrankster · 04/11/2013 17:15

Actually OP I'm on your side here. I have been in exactly the same situation with DS1 for the last 13 years - at one point his father tied to chase me for money ffs! (I have custody and pay for everything) the CSA have been worse than useless.

Unfortunately you are not going to shame him he obviously doesn't give a shit. So you are going to have to suck it up and buy the shoes, sorry.

TallulahBetty · 04/11/2013 17:16

...and on a more constructive note, BUY YOUR KID SOME SHOES FFS.

THEN take it up with your ex. This is quite unbelievable tbh.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/11/2013 17:22

BUY HER SOME PROPER SHOES FOR GODS SAKE. It's coming up to winter and wet and cold.

I bet you are walking around in waterproof shoes. Just cause her dad is a arsehole doesn't mean you have to.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/11/2013 17:25

You do realise that your daughters school may be raising a note of concern that your daughter is not in appropriate clothes for the weather conditions.

WaitMonkey · 04/11/2013 17:26

What are daps ?

Original poster
Lovemy3kids · 04/11/2013 17:27

Whilst I wasn't expecting sympathy, I did at least expect some of you to understand where I was coming from on this.

You have made me out to be a bad mother. I am NOT. I give my children EVERYTHING and believe me, being a single mum who has to solely provide for 3 DC with no contribution is bloody hard.

The children are aware that their father refuses to pay maintenance as it has been explained to them when they have had a go at me when they want something that I cannot afford. They are not in the middle of our arguments, as there are no arguments as I cannot communicate with him. They ask and he refuses, that is not an argument.

I have chased and chased the CSA for payments for my children and he point blank refuses and they are less than bloody useless....but I am still working on this one.

Daps.....are plimsolls, but they are called daps where is I'm from.

As for his new partner, she's fully aware of what he's doing and that the fact as to why we separated....his 3 affairs but, it's ok, she's adamant he won't do it to her!

Thanks for all your comments.....DD and I are off out to get a new pair of school shoes because you've all made me feel like a fuckwit and besides, who cares if we can't afford them!! Sad.

OP posts: