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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We'll....AIBU?!? WWYD??

104 replies

Lovemy3kids · 04/11/2013 16:41

DD has needed a new pair of school shoes for the past month. I said she had to ask her dad, my ex, for new shoes. So far, he has refused to purchase them and out of principle, I am refusing to buy them too.

At the moment she is wearing her school daps to school, and her father is aware of this.

I provide everything for our 3 DC as he refuses to pay maintenance for them and I feel that if he is not going to contribute as he has been asked, then a new pair of school shoes isn't really that big a deal.

Mu mum says I should buy her a pair, and I feel the he should buy her a pair.

AIBU?!?

OP posts:

digerd · 04/11/2013 18:13

Op
Trainers are very slippery in the ice and snow. My DD discovered that aged 46 when she walked to me the 1.5 miles from her place in the snow.
Hope you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to. Don't understand why the CSA can't force him to pay child maintenance?

Fleta · 04/11/2013 18:29

For goodness sake, are you really using your daughter as a weapon in this?

You are hurting HER.

What sort of parent doesn't buy her daughter the shoes she needs as "a matter of principle".

Fleta · 04/11/2013 18:29

Cross post - I'm pleased you've taken the comments on board.

Your daughter - and you - will be much happier.

I get financially its tough, but you need to sort it afterwards.

Laurel1979 · 04/11/2013 18:36

I don't know what daps are but I'm guessing they are not suitable footwear for a child to wear in cold icy weather. I'm horrified by your post to be honest, you can't use a child as a weapon. If you are hard up surely you could get school shoes somewhere eg Ebay or a charity shop if you can't afford to buy new ones!

KathrynKampbell · 04/11/2013 18:54

God I hate it when people don't RTFT. Hope you hide the thread now OP before all the lazy people start piling on you because they can't be arsed to read and see you've accepted everybody's advice!

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 18:55

Don't cry, love. If you were outside of this situation you would have said the same thing.

I guess you are feeling very low and very beaten down by having to struggle for money while he lives an ostentatious lifestyle. It's not fair and it's not right, but your dc must have shoes, it's one of the bare minimums. Have you checked out absolutely everything you may be entitled to, benefits-wise ? Get on to the CSA again and don't give up until they take you seriously.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 18:56

KK is right. Hide this thread now, love, and go post on the Lone Parents topic to get some support. Sounds like you really need it

HauntedFlyingNaanBread · 04/11/2013 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bundaberg · 04/11/2013 19:27

ugh OP what a horrid situation to be in :(

if he has money for a new 5 bed house then how on earth are the CSA not getting anything from him?

I DO understand where you're coming from, I am very principled too and often behave, or want to behave, like you! I am glad your got DD some shoes though.

would it help if you literally cut all ties with him? totally? pretend he is dead. He might as well be for all the use he is.
I don't mean give up on the CSA.. But in general. It cant' be good for you to often be thinking "well he ought to be providing this" or "he should be paying for that"... You need a different outlook. Accept that, for the time being, that just isn't going to happen and focus on what you DO have... which is 3 lovely children and a nice family :)

CrapBag · 04/11/2013 20:12

Why the hell is the CSA taking so long? I thought they could just take it from the wages directly? And its something like 35% for the first child, not sure how much after that.

Glad you got her the shoes as he clearly isn't going to suddenly cough up.

My aunt brought up her 3 kids by her ex alone, and he never ever even gave her the price of a pair of socks. No idea why she never went to the CSA, she was hardly rolling in it. But he was all ok with his new family though.

greenfolder · 04/11/2013 20:42

So sorry you and dc are going through this. Can't understand how some men just switch off their aspirations for their kids.

Justforlaughs · 04/11/2013 20:50

He's a dick and you sound like a great mum. In the long run your DD will remember who it was that provided for her and was there for her. and not worth crying over chuck!

RaRa1988 · 04/11/2013 20:55

Glad you've taken everybody's advice and your DD now has shoes - hope you see that it was a bit ridiculous to leave her without them. It's totally understandable that you feel the way you do about the children's father - he sounds like an irresponsible fuckwit and it's a wonder any woman wants him - but your battle with him can't become the reason for your DD not having essentials. Think mebbies it's time to get tough with the CSA and find out why maintenance payments are not being taken directly from his salary as other posters have mentioned - he can quite clearly afford them. He is named on their birth certificates?

PenguinDancer · 04/11/2013 20:57

You asked your daughter to ask her dad? Did I read that right?

LittleNoona · 04/11/2013 20:57

YABU

I would buy the child some shoes.

Do you have paypal? I'll give you the money.

BUY THE SHOES!

LittleNoona · 04/11/2013 20:58

Ah - you brought some. Good.

PenguinDancer · 04/11/2013 20:58

Well done for sorting it out though.

Some parents are just useless.

colourmehappytheresasofainhere · 04/11/2013 21:01

Lovemy3kids im really sorry that you've had a cry and you've been upset. its really hard reading advice on here sometimes. you've done the right thing. i was always in the middle of my parents in a similar way and i've grwon up to have some very self-destructive tendencies like extreme people pleasing - nightmare habit in relationships. ive been in therapy for years, which has really helped me accespt what happened and forgive my paretns. please give your kids the best chance to be strong, stable individuals and keep all of this away from them. make sure your own needs and feelings of upset/ loss/ grief/ hurt are being processed away from them. therapy is very helpful. i wish you all the best, good luck

ps obviously your ex is a total, total arse by the way

giantpurplepeopleeater · 04/11/2013 21:11

livinginwonderalnd said it all. Don't use your DD to take messages to her father, thus involving her in your squabbling. It's not fair on her.

AnandaTimeIn · 04/11/2013 21:17

Nice. Your spat about money with your ex is more important than shoes for your daughter.

I was left holding our the baby at 6 months. Never had a penny from him since. DS is 22 now.

You just have to get on with it. And that includes buying new shoes in Autumn for your child's growing feet.

foreverondiet · 04/11/2013 21:42

Also what size are her feet? I have dd's boots here from last winter still in good condition and will send them if you disclose what size. Going to pass them onto someone else as they now too small. But yes I agree other posters buy her shoes.

APartridgeAmongThePigeons · 04/11/2013 21:48

No ananda, the fact that she has three children and can't really afford the fucking shoes is why she hadn't bought them

Cuddlydragon · 04/11/2013 22:04

Buy your daughter shoes. She's not a pawn to make your point of principle. Poor girl.

gemmal88 · 05/11/2013 18:17

Buy your daughter a pair of shoes and sort your issues out in a way that doesn't leave your poor daughter in the middle.

pictish · 05/11/2013 18:39

THE OP HAS CONCEDED SWBU AND IS GOING TO BUY THE SHOES!

Just for those who have not RTFT x

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