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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We'll....AIBU?!? WWYD??

104 replies

Lovemy3kids · 04/11/2013 16:41

DD has needed a new pair of school shoes for the past month. I said she had to ask her dad, my ex, for new shoes. So far, he has refused to purchase them and out of principle, I am refusing to buy them too.

At the moment she is wearing her school daps to school, and her father is aware of this.

I provide everything for our 3 DC as he refuses to pay maintenance for them and I feel that if he is not going to contribute as he has been asked, then a new pair of school shoes isn't really that big a deal.

Mu mum says I should buy her a pair, and I feel the he should buy her a pair.

AIBU?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemy3kids · 04/11/2013 17:28

The school are fully aware that she is in her daps, and they are ok with it. They are allowed to wear them as part of the uniform if they wish.

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2013 · 04/11/2013 17:30

YANBU in wanting your ex to contribute to the upbringing of his children.

However, YABVVU in using your little girl this way and leaving the poor child without shoes she needs - her feet must be so cold in this weather Sad

Buy her some shoes and then through CSA or whatever sort out the issue of your ex not contributing.

I have to say as a teacher I would notice if a child had inappropriate shoes/clothing on and if it went on for some time I would certainly be asking questions as to why this was the case!

WaitMonkey · 04/11/2013 17:31

Glad your getting her some shoes. She really needs them in this weather. Yes he should be contributing, get back onto the C.S.A, but your daughter shouldn't have to suffer because her dad is an arse. Thanks You've had a tough time in this thread.

AgentZigzag · 04/11/2013 17:32

I'm sure everyone's on your side OP in thinking your ex should pay for his DC, but you took the decision to make your DD responsible for him coughing up.

That's a huge weight for an 8 YO to shoulder and really not fair.

Most people are struggling to pay for shoes/coats, but you have to play it down to the DC not make them feel they're a burden.

uncomfortablydumb · 04/11/2013 17:33

AIBU? Yes of course YABU.

Poor kid. Agree with everyone who said if he cared, he'd be paying already. All you're doing is giving her cold feet, showing her up at school and giving her a daily visible reminder that her dad doesn't give a shit.

Stop playing ineffectual games, and buy the poor sod some shoes.

uncomfortablydumb · 04/11/2013 17:34

Sorry. Unfortunate xpost. Glad your dd is getting some shoes. Sorry that you both have to deal with such an arse.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 04/11/2013 17:35

Good on you for not being a knobhead and buying the shoes

The battle with your ex is absolutely one worth having, just not over this.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/11/2013 17:35

How have we made you feel like a fuckwit. Did you really think we would say "yes wait an eternity for him to do it " ?

He won't. Not today tomorrow or next week from the sound of it. If ever.

I'm
Sorry you can't afford them but you can't rely on home and have to find a way. It's not us making you feel bad, you already have done that yourself.

Handbagsonnhold · 04/11/2013 17:36

I'm sure you are a lovely mum and I could only imagine how I would feel if I was in your situation. He should be ashamed of himself. However, when your dd is all grown up she will remember that you were the one who provided for her and you didn't sink to his level. I wish you every luck with your CSA/ legal proceedings x

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 04/11/2013 17:36

Daps are plimsolls. It's what we called them too.

Just buy her some shoes, you aren't going to win and it shouldn't be a game. Your ex is a shit though, that's for sure.

CbeebiesIsMyLife · 04/11/2013 17:40

You may not be having a shorty screaming argument, but she is in the middle of your silent argument. I understand and yanbu for wanting him to contribute, and he is putting you in an impossible situation knowing full well you will not let your kids go without, it's abusive and manipulative.

However you are bu by not buying her a pair of shoes, even if it is fuckwit ex's fault.

MindyWiller · 04/11/2013 17:41

Buy your daughter some shoes. i understand your principle- yes her father should be providing for her too, but by not getting her shoes you are punishing her, not him.

Get her the shoes and phone CSA to sort out maintainence, stop putting your daughter in the middle of an --adult's- - argument.

MerylStrop · 04/11/2013 17:42

Getting her the shoes is the right thing to do, her poor feet will be freezing.

Your ex sounds like a prize knob. I don't have any constructive advice, sorry, just sympathy.

KungFuBustle · 04/11/2013 17:44

Asda are great for robust budget friendly shoes. Sports direct are good too, I got DS black shoes from there and they are waterproof and have lasted, they were £6 and aren't even trainers.

Being a single parent is bloody hard at times and I'm sorry you feel the way you do about how the thread has gone but I agree with previous posters that what was said needed saying. Your ex is a cunt, but children need decent shoes.

If it's a huge hardship to get them ask the school if they can offer assistance. If ds outgows rather than wears out a pair we pass on to the school who give as needed.

CeliaFate · 04/11/2013 17:48

Of course YANBU, but who's suffering here? Your dd.

Be the bigger person (again) and buy her new shoes.

LIZS · 04/11/2013 17:52

You can't send her to school in plimsolls in November ! Yes of course he should provide but if he won't then falls to you.

DeMaz · 04/11/2013 17:52

He isn't the first and he won't be the last!

Yes, he's a d**k but your children will grow up knowing how hard their mum worked and provided for them! They will only refer to their dad with utter contempt once their old enough to understand.
He will get what's coming to him OP!!!

lottiegarbanzo · 04/11/2013 17:55

Had he ever suggested he would buy shoes for her? If not, I don't understand where your idea that he might, and could be held to ransom on the issue (wuth your dd's discomfort as your bargaining tool) has come from.

This seems to be all in your head and about you projecting how you feel, via your dd, to someone who plainly doesn't give a damn and has never claimed to. That's just not fair on your dd, however frustrated you feel.

RevelsRoulette · 04/11/2013 17:55

Hang on a minute. You never at any point said you couldn't afford them.

You said you wouldn't get them on principle.

That is not the same as saying that you don't have the money to get them.

People can only respond to what you choose to tell them.

You chose to say that you were not buying them as a matter of 'principle' not that you did not have the money to buy them.

Having the cash but refusing is a totally different scenario than not having the cash.

Had you chosen to say that he doesn't contribute and you can't afford a pair of shoes - I guarantee that the responses would have been different.

attheendoftheday · 04/11/2013 17:55

I think YANBU to be mightily pissed off at your ex's lack of contribution. But I think the parent who actually gives a shit about their children will always loose a battle like this to one who doesn't.

TallulahBetty · 04/11/2013 17:57

OP. Had you said you could afford them, you might have had more sympathy. But you said you weren't buying them out of principle - hence the reaction you got.

TallulahBetty · 04/11/2013 17:58

Couldn't*

APartridgeAmongThePigeons · 04/11/2013 18:02

People aren't being very nice to the OP, I dont think she is bein childish she is the one raising and financially supporting 3 children alone. Sounds pretty grown up to me.

OP unfortunately you may have to give in at some point, but I can see why you dont want to.. your ex is a twat!

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/11/2013 18:03

Well her original posts painted a very different picture.

There was no mention of being unable to afford shoes, merely the principle and te 8yr old being made to ask her dad and being put in the middle.

Original poster
Lovemy3kids · 04/11/2013 18:07

Financially yes, we struggle from month to month so having to replace a pair of school shoes after having provided 3 complete uniforms in September is hard.

I suppose you are all right, and I suppose it hurt reading what you have said and quite honestly you made me feel awful and I had a little cry.

I am seeing things from your points of view, and I think that will need to be how I deal with my situation from now on. I will look at it as if I were giving advice regarding the situation.

DD now has a new pair of shoes Blush

OP posts:
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