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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just get pregnant?

79 replies

cheeeesywotsits · 04/11/2013 10:29

Single, 28, basic admin job, and living with my parents.

I really want a baby. I have been broody for years and it is getting to the point where holding other people's babies hurts.

OP posts:

angelos02 · 04/11/2013 10:30

Can you afford it?

FreyaFridays · 04/11/2013 10:33

Depends on whether you can afford it, IMO. Also, if it were me, I think I'd want my own place first, either renting or buying, so I wouldn't be living with my own parents.

How do you plan to go about "just getting pregnant"?

Original poster

cheeeesywotsits · 04/11/2013 10:39

Not sure how you work out if you can definitely afford it - I have some savings but a low paid job. No expensive habits or anything.

The "just get pregnant" bit would probably be an issue anyway as while the ideal way would be to get married and have a baby men just aren't interested in me. I don't want to wake up 50 and still broody and it be too late to do anything about it.

I don't know the idea of never having a baby hurts.

There are all these news stories about people on benefits have 9 or 10 children and it doesn't seem fair. But I am a bit too emotional about this issue.

OP posts:

sheldor · 04/11/2013 10:39

If you want a baby and bring it up on your own thats fine.But i do think as you still live with your parents that you have to think about them aswell as they live there also.Is there enough space etc?Could you afford to rent anywhere?

scaevola · 04/11/2013 10:40

What does your partner think?

Or are you intending to buy sperm?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 04/11/2013 10:42

Do your parents want a baby living with them? Are you going to expect them to do childcare? Is there room or will you move out?

sheldor · 04/11/2013 10:42

Op is single

everlong · 04/11/2013 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaevola · 04/11/2013 10:46

Oops - epic misreading! My apologies.

It really comes down then to affordability. Now people have babies under all sorts of circumstances, and just about all of then can be dealt with. But do not underestimate how much harder it is if you are worrying about money all the time.

Have you looked in to how you will support yourself? What is the maternity package like at your work? What childcare will you use, and how will you pay for it?

TallulahBetty · 04/11/2013 10:48

YABU if you're living with your parents and just get pregnant, expecting then to continue putting you up with no question.

YANBU if you're planning to move out and support yourself. Or your parents are ok with it and you have room there and can contribute.

FreyaFridays · 04/11/2013 10:50

Hmmm, I think the first expense you really need to consider is where you will be living.

LadyMetroland · 04/11/2013 10:53

You're 28.

You've got another 10-15 yrs to have a baby.

Don't do it. You have no idea how hard work they are and how much they affect your life. Paying for childcare while you work will cost you best part of a grand each month. Then you'll need to think about siblings - would you want your child to have brothers or sisters? How could you afford that?

Honestly. Put it to the back of your mind and see where your life is in 5yrs time.

Original poster

cheeeesywotsits · 04/11/2013 10:54

I would move out - probably into rented accommodation. My parents see renting as dead money and think I should save up and buy a place. I would need a really big deposit though to be able to buy somewhere on my wages.

Maternity package at work is SMP plus contractual in the first 6 weeks. Up to a year off with some unpaid. I could pay my pension contributions back too so I wouldn't have a break in service.

OP posts:

caruthers · 04/11/2013 10:54

If your parents are willing to have you and a new arrival at home then the battle is half won. But sometimes with the best intentions grandparents can micro-manage/interfere (I know because I am one) and that COULD get testy after a time.

ringaringarosy · 04/11/2013 10:57

its a whole other thread,but i think its selfish to have a baby when you know it wont have even a chance of a father figure around.

YABU

you are only 28,you have loads of time left.

comewinewithmoi · 04/11/2013 10:58

Agree, review I. 3-5 years. A lot can change. You sound like you want to settle down. Concentrate on meeting someone, getting your own place and prehaps retrain for a better paid job,

FreyaFridays · 04/11/2013 10:58

Bit harsh, ringaringarosy, what exactly are gay parents supposed to do? Employ a man to hang around to play father figure?

BerstieSpotts · 04/11/2013 10:58

Renting is a lot of people's only option in this economic climate. If your parents won't or can't help you out with a deposit then really you want to be looking at renting, whatever they think. It might be "dead money" but it's still a home, better than living with your parents for half your life.

comewinewithmoi · 04/11/2013 10:58

I for one, think you would be mad to just do it now.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 04/11/2013 10:59

Have you thought about affording childcare when you go back to work?

How are you going to 'just' get pregnant?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/11/2013 10:59

I think this 'broodiness' is probably a misplaced desire for independence and purpose. Your parents might think renting is dead money but I think you desperately need your own place. Your low-paid jobs is probably boring and a bit dead-end? You say men aren't interested which is probably a reflection of your self-esteem. If you have your own front door, cut the apron strings and develop yourself a person (education, better job, better social life) you may find that life is more fulfilling, your self-esteem goes up, you become more interesting to potential partners and your need for children is less acute.

comewinewithmoi · 04/11/2013 11:00

Good post Cognito

HelloBoys · 04/11/2013 11:01

I've put off having a baby because:-

a) I didn't want to be a single mum - very hard work despite what the media etc say.

b) had a rush/biological clock ticked madly etc.

Then I bought a property (2 bed flat) which is better re babies. But even then I'd have to have a job where I could pay for childcare etc. My current job doesn't even come near it.

I know so many single mums (by choice or not) who when they DO start to date again the new man runs a mile from children they have. Not being harsh or cruel just what they've told me (the mums). OK you do get some saviours who take on the kids.

and what on earth would your parents do? childcare etc?

having said that an ex-good friend of mine got pregnant was with baby's dad had baby but then they broke up. Friend stuck it trying to pay mortgage on 2 bedroom house (her own house) but couldn't manage. her parents who lived nearby suggested she moved back in with them which she did. Parents also helped massively with childcare. She's now back with baby's dad but not sure if she's back in her own house or with baby's dad in his flat. she did this for about 18 months when I knew her. Not ideal but worked for her and they all got on.

BerstieSpotts · 04/11/2013 11:02

I don't think it's selfish to go into parenthood alone but it is perhaps naive when you have other options. I don't think that children/babies need a "mother and father" but it's hard work on your own and it's complicated to start a relationship when there's already a child around. If you got pregnant now, say using donor sperm, and then you met a man in 2-3 years who you like a lot and you end up settling down with him, it brings up horrendously complex feelings about your child's "real" father and if you want to have more children with this man that's complicated too.

You are still so young - I would definitely agree with giving it a 3-5 year review as a minimum and if nothing is still on the horizon, then go for it. But it would be foolish, IMO, to go for it now when you have the chance to wait and see.

livinginwonderland · 04/11/2013 11:02

Wait.

You need to be financially stable and you need your own place. It's not fair on your parents to have to live with their grandchild. They've done their child-rearing. What if you can't find somewhere? You're stuck raising a baby in your parents house with no hope of saving up to move out for at least a year (no way will you manage to save as a single parent on maternity pay).

I'm 24 and live with my DP. We're engaged and we have our own place. We both work (low-paid jobs, but we do 75h a week between us). We can't afford a baby on top of rent and bills/food shopping etc. I would LOVE a child. So would DP. If I did get pregnant accidentally, I would keep it BUT we would definitely not plan for a baby at the moment.

You need to think long-term. Can you afford a baby on your own? Would your parents support you or kick you out? Do you have somewhere to go? Do you not want your kids to have a father that supports them and sees them regularly and has a part in their lives?

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