To just get pregnant?

[cheeeesywotsits]

Single, 28, basic admin job, and living with my parents.

I really want a baby. I have been broody for years and it is getting to the point where holding other people's babies hurts.

I think hang on for a bit too. Move out first and get settled. Like someone else said a lot can happen in a short time. At your age I felt like you. Mid 30's I got married and had 2 children.

Cogito is very wise. Listen to her!

It would be ideal for gay parents to have the man around though,i know a couple of parents in real life where the lesbian couple used a gay man friend as a sperm donor and they all bring up the baby together.

Its one thing a man walking out on you once youve started a family,but any psychologist will tell you how important it is to have both role models there if possible.I dont think people think of the impact on the child,they just think "i want a baby" its all about them,and not what they can offer.

I dont think what im saying is that outrageous really.....

I can sympathise as I got very broody in my late 20s, but was single. However, by the time I was 30 I was married and had my children in my middle 30s.

My advice to you is to get out there and have opportunities to meet prospective boyfriends. Join clubs / societies / do internet dating (but don't jump in with "I want a baby" ) and give yourself chance of meeting someone that you would want to have a baby with.

If you have a baby alone, the chances for being able to meet someone will be very much curtailed as you won't be able to get out as much, and also you'll need to find someone who will take on you and your child - much trickier.

Give it another couple of years and see what happens.

It's not the same but have you thought about volunteering for a local befriending charity? Lots of children need an adult who can spend an afternoon with them.

Maybe gives you a chance to channel your maternal feelings and experience the reality of having a child (not just a baby).

I have a 6 month old - it is amazing but intense. I can't imagine having done it on my own. But lots of people do! I can empathise with the ache though - after a miscarriage a few years ago I remember well the ache to be a mum.

Dammit Cogito! Brilliant post.

She speaks sense. Listen to her.

Hello it's nothing to do with "saviours" or running a mile I think that's a pretty patronising approach to take. But obviously as I was saying it makes dating totally change into a whole different ballgame which you really can't anticipate or imagine until you're actually there, and then even if you are lucky enough to meet someone who you like and who likes/gets on with your child and is able to step up and be a father to them and id happy in that role, then you hit another massive speed hump when you get to the point of wanting to have children with that person.

I'm not saying it's impossible or that it doesn't happen, clearly, it does. But it's not as easy and clear cut as it might seem.

Good post from CES.

You've got a plan to move out and rent. I think you should get on with that part - establish yourself in your own home. And once in it, take stock again of your priorities.

Also OP,i used to think that dads didnt matter,i didnt have one and i honestly used to think that maybe it didnt do me any harm,but it has definitley shaped the way i am around men and i always had a difficult relationship with my mum because she found raising me on her own so difficult,that might not be you,but it could well be.

Now i have kids of my own and i see the relationship between them and my husband i am so glad they have him.Plus theres the practical side of it,two parents bringing up a child together is usually either than one,if you will go back to work then theres two incomes.

I agree with cogito. Focus on getting your life set up for a baby before bringing one into the world :)

Another one in praise of Cognito's insight.

If you've only ever lived with your parents you have no real idea of what it's like to operate in an adult world - making your own decisions, working to your own timetable and having real responsibilities for your environmnet.

oP you're looking to change the wrong things in your life, IMHO.

so you want to move out of your parents home but don't feel you can because they think renting is dead money but you can move out and rent if you have a baby?

sorry, but it sounds like you feel stuck in your life and think a baby will fix it.

Give yourself a 5 year plan, where do you want to be by then? In your own home (either renting or bought) with a baby - then save like mad between now and then (even if you aren't buying, you will need some money behind you). Think about childcare when you return to work, don't assume your parents will provide it. Spend the next 2-3 years saving and working as hard as you can (getting promotion will help). At that point if you are still single, then start thinking about doing it alone.

Broodiness is hard to deal with when you think it's not something on your horizon, but once you have started planning for your future you might find it easier to deal with.

I still think it's quite a mean stance to have towards gay parents, though, rosy, and I hope you'd never say as much to anyone in real life. For many gay couples, the idea of the "third parent" is not desirable, as they want to form their own family unit. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with circumstances like that where a "dad" isn't involved.

Anyway, massively off track! OP, I reckon you should focus on getting your own place, renting or not. Without being patronsing, you'll love the independence.

I had a similar experience rosy but I don't think it's due to the gender of a person, it's just about who is your family. My dad wasn't there for me, but perhaps if I'd had a stepdad or, yes, if my mum had had a female partner then I would have had that support that he didn't give me.

I was unlucky in that I made a grave error, I assumed Dads weren't important and I got pregnant by someone who wasn't able to be an involved father. I think that I let DS down. I can only hope that DP and myself can in some way make up for it by both being there for him.

If you genuinely want to have a baby, are prepared to bring it up on your own, prepared to have it potentially impact future relationships and are planning to go to a sperm bank and pay for a donated sample then yanbu at all.
Do be aware though, a life on benefits may seem like a rosy option but the reality is quite different, whatever the newspapers say. You may have a long wait for housing (if that is in your plan) depending on your area, you may will obv be entitled to child benefit, possibly wtc depending on your income, housing benefit while you are on mat leave, council tax benefit, income support etc but don't count on it with the government as it is at present.
Also, if you are considering a one night stand to get pregnant, please don't. Its not fair to the man to deliberately make him a father when he has no plans to be so, and if he should wish to be involved with the child (as would be his right) you could end up co parenting with a complete dickwad for the next 18 years,

I really don't know how single parents do it.

It's hard work bringing up a child with the support of a loving partner.

I would wait.

I relate to your post Rosy IMO dads are important

Op you have had some really good advige from posters here

I live with my parents because up until very recently I was a part time carer for an elderly relative as well as working full time. It just didn't seem practical to rent somewhere and never be there as evenings and weekends were spent caring. My parents do occasionally treat me as a child but I can come and go as I please and pay a fair share of bills and food and pay rent.

I know that technically 28 IS young - I think perhaps being a carer since I was very young has impacted my perspective a little as I have always been pretty responsible.

What Cogito said.

It would be very unfair to do this whilst you are living with your parents. Have you always lived with them? You could think about moving out, having your own place and being independent. Renting may be dead money but if it helps you on your way so be it.

Plus you're 28, you have loads of time to have children. I had DS aged 33.

I'd think carefully about what Cogito says - and I say that as a single parent by choice. I definitely went through periods in my twenties where I thought of motherhood simply because my career wasn't going well. (I eventually went for it much later when my career was established enough that I could offer a child stability, and where it was clear to me that single motherhood was now my only option becasue time was about to run out).

Also (though obviously I don't agree with Rosy) do think hard about the child's perspective. What will you be telling them as they grow up? I went through a sperm bank using an identifiable donor, which means DS knows a bit about him and will be able to trace him when he turns 18. And you need to have a good support network, including male friends - do not underestimate the need for male role models/sources of cuddles in your child's life (it's something I've been surprised by - the sheer need of male affection DS seems to need - fortunately I have some lovely platonic male friends).

I'd also urge you to think long and hard about the advice that you're unlikely to meet someone once you're a single mother. I do know some single mothers who've met nice blokes even though they've had children. My personal experience is that men run a mile. So don't go into this unless you're prepared to be on your own.

Do your parents want a live in grandchild?
Do you have siblings, will they be annoyed if you presume you can bring a child into the family home and use it as your own?

I think you need to walk before you run. How about moving out of home for 2 years and living the single carefree fun life, becuase that will be gone when you are a parent. If you focus on fun singledome, you might end up meeting a partner that you can have a stable relationship with.

*You're 28.

You've got another 10-15 yrs to have a baby.*

THIS!!! ^^

If you were coming towards the end of your natural conceiving days it would be different, but you have a lot of time left to find a great partner and build a happy family.

I'm not saying that a child born with one parent is a bad thing, at all, but IMO the ideal would be a strong family life which would be both beneficial to the child and you (more financial stability, more childcare!) and you have plenty of time to build that first.

Being broody is not a good reason to have a child, you need to line your ducks up first, as it were!

I should say that I'm actually a single parent myself and have been since birth. I'm not anti-single parenthood and I don't think DCs necessarily need two parents. You don't sound irresponsible in the slightest and I'm sure you'll make a great parent, but you do, if you'll forgive the observation, sound rather lonely and it would be a pity if your primary motivation for motherhood was because you'd given up on having a satisfying relationship with another adult.

Don't have a baby because you are broody - that alone is not a good enough reason.

Consider whether you can afford raising a child for the next 18+ years
emotionally
physically
financially
practically

Try not to think too much of the cute little baby, but of the person who will share your life and will be very dependent on you for rather a long time.

If the answer is still 'yes', go for it .

And what cogito said. Times 10.