To just get pregnant?

[cheeeesywotsits]

Single, 28, basic admin job, and living with my parents.

I really want a baby. I have been broody for years and it is getting to the point where holding other people's babies hurts.

I would recommend spending some time with any single parents that you know and get some practical experience of how it would be. Being a single parent is hard work - I've been one for 6 years and its not something I would deliberately choose as a lifestyle (Im widowed). If I wasn't in a high earning job and didn't have 24/7 free childcare from my parents, I would really struggle. There are also the practicalities to think of eg going on holiday, nights out and difficulties with potential future relationships. I've also found it difficult in the past going out in day trips where it has seemed that everyone else is in a "normal" family unit. It can be very lonely at weekends too. And there's also the awkward situations where people ask things like "So what does your husband do etc etc". Plus it can be difficult for a child growing up with only one parent. I couldnt imagine having to tell my DD that she came from a sperm bank....
Sorry if this all sounds negative, but I think it's important to consider the pros and cons.

Where are you planning to get the semen from for this project?

It sounds to me like you've spent a large proportion of your adult life caring for someone else. And now you're not undertaking the carer role any more (apart from your parents, if they need care?), you want to transfer that to caring for a baby.

You're only 28. It sounds like you've never really enjoyed a 'young, free and single life'

Move out, into your own home, and make a conscious effort to be selfish for a while - enjoy being a 20 something year old! You do, very genuinely, have plenty of time to meet someone that you might actually want to have a child with, rather than going down the track of single parenthood.

I don't see anything wrong with being a single parent, by the way, but you have to realise that not only is it bloody hard work being a parent, but that it has a serious impact on your lifestyle and income for at least the next 15-20 years of your life.

Oh, and what Cogito said ...

rosy you are ridiculous.

The OP has a male in her life, her father, who will be a grandfather, and male role model for her child. Single mothers and female same sex partners are producing children without male father figures, and the children are just fine.

There are male same sex partners and single fathers who manage to raise their children without a mother too. SHOCK!

Saying you need a male and a female 'parent' in your life is ridiculous. Why? What can a man do that a woman can't, or vice versa? Bloody ridiculous.

OP - wait. It's hard, but just wait. Focus on saving for a deposit to buy a home, if you don't want to rent, and give it a year or two. If you still feel the same, then go for it. You sound a bit depressed, you are emotional and it isn't a good reason to have a baby.

I don't think it's unreasonable IF you are nearing the end of your fertile life, you have you own place and you think you can support the baby without relying too heavily on your parents. YOu also have to be really ready to explain to and then support your child through understanding their 'fatherless' situation.

YABU to be considering this at 28, you have c.10 years before you need to worry about fertility and most women in their twenties and thirties are broody to varying extents. It's amazing how quickly your life can change and by the time you are early 30s you may have met someone who is ready to have a baby with you.

You lost me on the "people on benefits" comment. Grow up before you consider having a child.

Another one who agrees with Cogito.

I'm a single parent and have been since DC were babies (twins). Very limited contact with the father (think 3-4x a year). I actually love it and think that in some ways it's easier than parenting as part of a couple.

I don't subscribe to the male role model arguments. Well I do, but I don't think it's necessary for that male role model to be their father. My DC have experienced no detrimental effects from the lack of a father-figure-type male role model. They are in the top 5% of their school year, popular and I am frequently told very grounded, well-balanced and considerate to others. They don't have problems around 'men' because I have male friends and acquaintances (although none as close as my female friends) and male family members (albeit I don't see them very regularly) - all of whom are excellent male role models. As long as children have good role models of both sexes in their lives, they will be fine. It's not actually necessary for them to have a man live with them.

However, none of that takes away from the fact that as a single parent life can be very, very tough if you don't have a good support network. When you're down with a D&V bug and you have DC to look after, it sucks. When you've had to call your not-very-understanding boss and take your third unpaid day off work because your DC are sick and there's no one else to look after them, it sucks. When you want to go out and can't afford a babysitter, it sucks. When you want to buy something that normally is split between a couple but in this case it's just you and your income and you can't afford it, it sucks.

IME those prices are worth it, but you'd be a fool not to consider them.

In your shoes, I'd do what Cogito says first and revisit the idea in a few years time when the biological clock is more of an issue.

Yes :) of course! If you think you can provide your baby with all of the love, shelter, food etc. he/she will need then yes! Have a baby and be happy

OP - do you consider renting to be dead money? Do you want to live at your parents house and still be waiting to live your adult life on your own? You've looked after someone else up to now, did your job being dead end not really matter as it wasnt a big part of your life, but now you're not caring it's the only thing in there, so you're looking for a new purpose? Get a new job, get your own home (you don't have to do what your parents say!).

Fix all these other problems in your life, get a better job and a home of your own, if you still feel broody, at least you'll have more to offer the child.

HopeS01 - how exactly do you propose she conceives?

OP, are you Helen Archer?

What about the child's biological identity? I'm not talking father figures, even when they're present, there's still a yawning chasm where half your genetics are, especiall in those "err..."s when a medical professional asks if there's a history of x in the family" or just looking in the mirror and wondering about the unknown person you share a nose with.

28 is still young. I've had plenty of long-single friends despair about turning 30 without a hint of relationships, children, own home etc on the horizon. Within a few years it's all slotted together.

You have a much better chance of meeting someone worthy of raising a family with by not having a child already, both for the chance of meeting, and being free of baggage.

Gain some independence, and some experience, and it will piece together with patience. (Plus it takes enough practice to make the baby in ideal conditions anyway).

Much as I agree she should wait, I don't think all this uproar at the mere idea someone could have a baby without knowing all the tiny details of the biological father is necessary.

There's plenty of happy, well rounded people who are brought up without knowing their father, for various reasons. Its not a big deal, stop bashing it.

And the comment mrsmook about having a better chance of meeting someone when you are 'baggage free' it's old fashioned, ignorant, and total bullshit. My DH is perfectly 'worthy' of raising a family and our DS isn't biologically his. And he met me with all this baggage....

I don't think YABU op.

You are 28 and there are no guarantees with fertility it may take you a few years to get pregnant especially if you are buying it and haven't got access to a, uh, "ready supply". NOt everyone can track ovulation easily.

I don't think you need a man to have a family and tbh I think share single parenthood with a NRP who you don't along great with (seems to be every divorced parent I have ever known) seems positively fucking depressing. And that's the risk all of us who have children with "committed partners" make.

You won't have to worry about that.

I really want a baby

I really want a new kitten. However, I can't afford the vets bills, I don't live in a suitable place and I would have to leave on its own to go to work. I have years to think about getting a kitten, so what's the rush?

After all kittens aren't just material possessions, they deserve proper care and a decent steady environment to live in, don't they?

I can't see how a child is any different, other than the fur and the ability to lick its own genitals.

Umm this sounds like someTHING you want rather than a baby being someONE. 28 is very young and I shouldn't think you really know yet what it entails. Leave it 5 years and see where your life is = brilliant advice. Feeling broody doesn't mean you have to have a baby now, just feel broody. I think some men would be put off by bringing up someone elses baby and this might limit your chances of finding a life-long partner and making a secure family in a family unit rather than at your mum and dads house! Also have you considered what life would be like if the baby were sick? I know someone who did what you are suggesting and the baby was very very sick. She now spends her whole life caring for her very sick child and the idea she had of career woman with tag along accessory baby has not quite worked out. In an ideal world there are good men who don't care about raising someone elses baby but in reality I think most young men would think twice. Of course you would love your baby whether it was sick or not but have you considered how you would support such a situation if it were to arise? These are the sorts of conversations couples have before trying for a baby, are you having those conversations with yourself? Bit more serious than feeling broody isn't it. I personally know a few women who have done what you are suggesting and although they adore their babies I know they all think they chose the difficult path. Fair enough if you're 40 years old and eggs are going past sell by date but not a sensible choice at 28. So yes YABU

The difference between a child and the kitten.. is that you almost never have to wait on a list for years to get a kitten.

And you can get a kitten when you are 60.

Adoption or trying for a baby the old fashioned way can take some of us a very long time. And like it or not there is a time clock.

And unless you have ever been in the situation where you want to cry out of desperation and envy when you see a woman pushing a stroller you really can't understand it. It is nothing like wanting a cat.

The op said she would move in to rented accommodation if she had a child. What's the issue... we don't all have to own our homes to have a child.

28 is very young and I shouldn't think you really know yet what it entails. Leave it 5 years and see where your life

Argh! 28 is hardly teen mother material.. People are being really condescending. She has been working as a full time care..she can handle a newborn

*full time carer

I think you should do it if it's what you really want and you've considered it as fully as someone childless can consider it. However moving out of your parents would be madness IMHO. You need their support. Why do it all alone?
A girl in my NCT group decided to have a baby and got a donor sperm. She's single and self employed but leaves near her mum who's been helping her lots. She says she couldn't have done it without her mum's help. She is actually a very good mum and that little boy is so loved by her and his grandma.
So my advice would be to talk to your parents and explain how much this means to you and if they're on board, go for it but stay close to them, Good luck

I can understand being broody, but at 28 you should be out enjoying yourself.

You are still young and at your age, I was out with friends every weekend, pubs, clubs, football matches, concerts etc. lots of fab holidays with friends, shopping for clothes and just having a ball.

I was working full time and went to college in the evenings, which meant that by the time I was in my mid 30's I had a good career and could afford a child. I am now a single parent (marriage didn't work out) and I am thankful everyday that I can afford to pay my mortgage, pay the child minder and provide for my son.

My son see's his Dad regularly, so I also get a bit of a break, as working full time, as a single parent is hard work. I am also glad that my son has his Dad in his life and has a male role model, who does give a different perspective than I do and does lots of 'boys' stuff with him. It certainally wasn't me who taught him about washing under his for skin lol - I wouldn't hate a clue about 'boys stuff'.

You can't afford it. It's that simple. Unless your parents are prepared to either house you and the baby or look after the baby while you work as in an admin job I doubt you could cover rent and childcare.

Tbh best bet is to focus on finding a partner. What are you doing about that and what do you see obstacles to be?

Why do you think "men aren't interested in me?"

I struggle with meeting men so I can sympathise with that remark.

However, when I look back to being 28 (I am 33 now so hardly over the hill!) but I have changed so much in those 5 years. My career has really taken off - I couldn't have dreamed I'd do so well, and I'm in a much better place emotionally and financially.

I love my life and I hope to meet someone to marry and have DCs with which I couldn't "see" at 28. :)

I wouldn't focus on finding a man. I would move out NOW and live independently for a good while.
See how you cope looking after number one, before you even think about looking after someone else.
Maybe renting is "dead money" but I rent, and probably always will. Don't put life on hold. Become an adult, and see how that goes first.

Lucy they OP clearly isn't like you. Not everyone is the partying type, unfortunately, and not everyone had a lot of fun in their late 20s. I can't see how your post can be remotely helpful.