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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder if I should 'report' this parent, but could stop her chances of fostering

94 replies

Darttotheheart · 03/11/2013 20:14

Warning long and a little complex.

I have a DD9 with SN - social and communication disorder. She experienced bulling for quite a long time at her precious school, one of the girls involved was an adopted child with a parent who felt she could do no wrong. The girl would basically Chinese burn my DD's arm every day and had on one occasion strangled my little girl. I had been into school about this but was basically fobbed off and told my DD was exaggerating this and other incidents.
( A cahms nurse did an observation and actually confirmed the bulling plus my daughter being used as a scape goat by the teacher for any problems in the class and my DD is now at a different school)

However in the summer term before I moved her, this parent shouted at my daughter as we were in the school car park, asking her what the hell she had done to her dd. I asked her not to shout at my daughter and if she had any problems to speak to me or school. She also told my daughter to 'shut her gob' when my dd said she hadn't done anything and had no idea what the lady was talking about. School and some great friends did deal with this, and the woman apologised eventually. I gave permission for school to tell her my daughter had a SN and my friends also told the woman that my daughter had lost her farther recently. My DD was extremely upset at some strange woman shouting at her for no reason.

I hoped by moving school we would avoid this toxic woman as well as the bulling but as we live in a village it has not been 100% possible.

My DD went into the local shop and this woman was in the there and in a sneary voice asked if she liked her new school and had she made any friends. My DD looked her straight in the eye and said 'Its non of your business' and walked out. Rude, but to be honest as far as I was concerned understandable. We have since avoided the shop.

Then last week we were in Tesco's and while I was doing the self check out DD went to change a t shirt in the clothing section. She came back and said I saw MRS XXX over there. I said did you and she just went quite - not wanting to make a drama I did not ask any more. The next day my DD told me that the the woman had told her to 'Fuck of you little bitch'

Now I know INBU to be appalled at this woman, but DD and I have talked it through and she is ok .

However I have been told by a friend this woman is going before the fostering panel next week and the though of her having vulnerable and possible SN children in her care is not sitting well with me. She has shouted at someone else's child without even knowing both sides of the story, and even when told my DD was vulnerable chose to swear at her again.

I happen to know one of the lead SW's who advise the panel - do I 'report' what's happened and possibly ruin her fostering career or just step away?

OP posts:
MrsMcEnroe · 03/11/2013 20:17

Report her.

WorraLiberty · 03/11/2013 20:18

Without proof it would probably be seen as idle gossip.

hippo123 · 03/11/2013 20:35

A 'sneary' voice and a 9 year olds story isn't likely to Be taken seriously.

LauraStora · 03/11/2013 20:38

It's not just a 9-y-o's opinion; the OP witnessed the first incident of shouting.

I would report it, yes. Like you say, very vulnerable children will be placed with her. She hasn't displayed maturity or self-control in public so what will she be like in private?

eastmidlandsnightnanny · 03/11/2013 20:41

Report u might not be the only one with concerns n lots little concerns lead to a bigger picture. Just because she has adopted in past ( sorry assume she is adopted child parent) doesn't mean she is capable of harm.

eastmidlandsnightnanny · 03/11/2013 20:41

Should read - isn't capable

mirenacoilworrier · 03/11/2013 20:42

I would report too

Darttotheheart · 03/11/2013 20:44

There were other witnesses to the 1st incident and was logged by School - the Deputy Head and class teacher actually got her to apologise but I believe it took quite a few phone calls to convince her she was in the wrong.

OP posts:
KathrynKampbell · 03/11/2013 20:44

Report. How would she treat a foster child if she decided the child had done something to her dd?

ImperialBlether · 03/11/2013 20:45

It sounds as though she has her hands full with her daughter; fostering would put a massive strain on their family.

But actually, just by the way she talked to your daughter, I'd report her.

bimbabirba · 03/11/2013 20:46

I'm a bit confused by your first paragraph, is the woman already and adoptive mother?

bimbabirba · 03/11/2013 20:47

In many event, it's not on for an adult to intimidate a child like that. Disgusting,
Report

littlewhitebag · 03/11/2013 20:47

I would speak to the SW you know just to run your concerns past her first before making a more formal complaint. This information may be part of a bigger picture. There are people who go into fostering for all the wrong reasons and it would be better concerns were raised at this stage.

ringaringarosy · 03/11/2013 20:48

i dont see why they shouldnt take a 9 year olds account seriously?

I would report it.

Retropear · 03/11/2013 20:48

Report.

Calling a child a little bitch indicates anger issues imvho.

SuperStrength · 03/11/2013 20:49

Report her.

Xfirefly · 03/11/2013 20:50

I'd consider reporting seeing as she finds it ok to swear at a 9 year old child.

RoseRedder · 03/11/2013 20:52

If you report will this have a knock on effect regarding her adopted daughter?

I would hope the fostering panel will contact the school and they will surely pass on the details if the incident was logged?

edam · 03/11/2013 20:52

I would ask your SW friend's advice. This isn't just a normal mum harassed and shouting at her kids one day when she's a bit stressed. This is repeated unprovoked nasty behaviour towards a child - and a child she knows has SN, which is worrying for a potential foster parent. And given there is a record of her behaviour at school, they've got something to go on beyond your initial concern.

MammaTJ · 03/11/2013 20:55

I would report all of it, as some of it can be backed up by the school and will be listened to. This woman cannot be allowed to be near children, let alone vulnerable ones!!

foreverondiet · 03/11/2013 20:56

I would ask the SW for a quiet word but not make an official report unless the SW told me it was a good idea.

Darttotheheart · 03/11/2013 21:08

I know if I speak to my SW friend she will have to log it just to cover herself .

OP posts:
bimbabirba · 03/11/2013 21:12

I'm all on your side but I don't understand why you're in two minds about reporting her. Unless you don't fully believe your DD's account of course

WorraLiberty · 03/11/2013 21:17

If she logs it then surely it will have to be looked into properly and you and your DD spoken to?

I'm sure they can't just take random people at their word. Surely they'll have to ask you all to go into detail about the events?

Out of interest, why did she say 'fuck off you little bitch' to your DD in Tesco? I mean what led up to that?

Not that anything would excuse it...just curious if your DD was rude to her again?

Darttotheheart · 03/11/2013 21:18

Because I live in a small community, have other children and know what a short-term this sort of thing can start.

OP posts:
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