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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if I should 'report' this parent, but could stop her chances of fostering

94 replies

Darttotheheart · 03/11/2013 20:14

Warning long and a little complex.

I have a DD9 with SN - social and communication disorder. She experienced bulling for quite a long time at her precious school, one of the girls involved was an adopted child with a parent who felt she could do no wrong. The girl would basically Chinese burn my DD's arm every day and had on one occasion strangled my little girl. I had been into school about this but was basically fobbed off and told my DD was exaggerating this and other incidents.
( A cahms nurse did an observation and actually confirmed the bulling plus my daughter being used as a scape goat by the teacher for any problems in the class and my DD is now at a different school)

However in the summer term before I moved her, this parent shouted at my daughter as we were in the school car park, asking her what the hell she had done to her dd. I asked her not to shout at my daughter and if she had any problems to speak to me or school. She also told my daughter to 'shut her gob' when my dd said she hadn't done anything and had no idea what the lady was talking about. School and some great friends did deal with this, and the woman apologised eventually. I gave permission for school to tell her my daughter had a SN and my friends also told the woman that my daughter had lost her farther recently. My DD was extremely upset at some strange woman shouting at her for no reason.

I hoped by moving school we would avoid this toxic woman as well as the bulling but as we live in a village it has not been 100% possible.

My DD went into the local shop and this woman was in the there and in a sneary voice asked if she liked her new school and had she made any friends. My DD looked her straight in the eye and said 'Its non of your business' and walked out. Rude, but to be honest as far as I was concerned understandable. We have since avoided the shop.

Then last week we were in Tesco's and while I was doing the self check out DD went to change a t shirt in the clothing section. She came back and said I saw MRS XXX over there. I said did you and she just went quite - not wanting to make a drama I did not ask any more. The next day my DD told me that the the woman had told her to 'Fuck of you little bitch'

Now I know INBU to be appalled at this woman, but DD and I have talked it through and she is ok .

However I have been told by a friend this woman is going before the fostering panel next week and the though of her having vulnerable and possible SN children in her care is not sitting well with me. She has shouted at someone else's child without even knowing both sides of the story, and even when told my DD was vulnerable chose to swear at her again.

I happen to know one of the lead SW's who advise the panel - do I 'report' what's happened and possibly ruin her fostering career or just step away?

OP posts:

Original poster

Darttotheheart · 03/11/2013 22:14

The woman did not like in the 1st instance having to apologise about at her behavior in the playground. It was witnessed and to give school thier due they did handle the incident well.

OP posts:

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 03/11/2013 22:16

I would absolutely report just to cover my own back and feel that I'd highlighted any potential concerns.
She doesn't sound as if she has any empathy, patience, self-control or maturity. She might be the most supportive and loving foster parent to any child in her care, but the interactions with your dd would niggle at the back of my mind if it were me, I think.

PansOnFire · 03/11/2013 22:22

Report her - regardless of the 'gossip' status of some of the information the school has a log of the incident with your daughter in the car park. This official evidence that she has anger issues and an unreasonable way of dealing with children when she feels disgruntled. There is no way this nasty piece of work should be able to foster vulnerable and troubled children. As a PP pointed put, what happens when the foster child and her daughter don't get along? She's obviously very over protective of her adopted daughter, and rightly so, but it's not bringing out her best side.

manicinsomniac · 03/11/2013 22:24

I would report her unless it would cause problems for the little girls she has already adopted in which case I wouldn't.

PukingCat · 03/11/2013 22:24

WorraLibertySun . . . but don't let that stop your little agenda.

Nice

op I think its great that your daughter was able to tell the woman to mind her own. Why would she want to converse with a woman who was so horrible to her and asking a question which was obviously meant to belittle (made any friends yet).

You can see where her daughter gets her bullying ways!

I think that you are right to report her. I also think your daughter sounds fab!

manicinsomniac · 03/11/2013 22:25

sorry, girl not girls.

Can authorities 'take back' an adoption?

festered · 03/11/2013 22:30

I would definitely report her. You could potentially save a child from a bad situation. I don't know the ins and outs of it, but be careful with anonymity, especially as you say you live in a close-knit community.

pigletmania · 03/11/2013 22:30

The woman wasent asking those questions to op dd to be nice, it was an attempt to bilittle and put her own and to be sarcastic, op dd picked tat up and f course tod te asty bully to mind her own, like none would have done.

Valdeeves · 03/11/2013 22:30

They can take back adoptions but it wouldn't be on incidents like this - it's down to emotional/mental/physical abuse or sometimes the adopters give them back if they haven't bonded or been able to cope.
The fostering/adoption situation in this country is tough and frustrating. Please report her but I bet it won't make a difference - they are desperate.
Poor, poor kids.

pigletmania · 03/11/2013 22:31

Like anyone would have doe I meant

Screamqueen · 03/11/2013 22:32

How can you say a 9yr old telling an adult it's non of their business, when asked how they're getting on at their new school, is not rude?

Right...this is the Mother of a child who was bullying OPs DD bad enough she was forced to move schools...of course its none of her business!!!

PukingCat · 03/11/2013 22:36

I think its great that your dd didn't feel obliged to be polite and chatty to the woman who was so horrible to her. Particularly as he daughter bullied her as well. What would we be teaching our kids if we said they had to put up with anything like that from adults, just because they are adults and act like nothing happened.

RoseRedder · 03/11/2013 22:43

Regardless of anythin, the other issues regarding fostering etc, have you spoken to her directly and told her to lay of your daughter and if she does it again you'll report her (to the school, fostering board, police)

If this women is intimadating your daughter you need to act on this, now , this situation is one between you, her and your daughter.

Stand up to her the same way your daughter did, tell her civiley she has acted out of order

Uppermid · 03/11/2013 22:43

I'd report her

mewmeow · 03/11/2013 23:03

Shit your poor dd :( I think I would report it in your shoes, not sure if it would be mainly an emotional response or not, but just thinking about it makes me
(I think rationally it is also the best option).

differentnameforthis · 04/11/2013 09:08

How can you say a 9yr old telling an adult it's non of their business, when asked how they're getting on at their new school, is not rude?

The tone of her voice, we are led to believe by the op, was not in-line with her Q being a concerned or general enquiry. She was being sneery, which is unpleasant.

If she asked in a nice general convo tone, and the child said that, then yes, she was rude. But it wasn't like that at all

bababababoom · 04/11/2013 09:16

I would report. It may not stop her from fostering other children but there will be a record of it should anybody else bring a similar concern, or should there be a concern about her dealing with a SN child in the future.

It's always surprising here how many people don't believe children. I know they can embellish things but I wonder what the effect is of knowing their word won't be taken seriously by people looking after them? Don't forget that many abused children aren't believed...

kiwimumof2boys · 04/11/2013 09:18

What a horrible woman. Good on your DD for saying it's none of your business. And I'm usually strict about manners and talking politely to adults with my DC !
Report her.
How is your DD doing at her new school ?

moldingsunbeams · 04/11/2013 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime · 04/11/2013 10:13

I think you need to stop avoiding the village shop and start to stand up to this bullying woman. You may well find that lots of other people think her behaviour is appalling too.

Yes I would tell someone, so there is at least a note on her file. A grown woman calling a 9 year old names, and showing aggression towards her is not normal behaviour.

LEMisafucker · 04/11/2013 10:24

Look, this woman is 9 carat cunt and i can understand why you feel like you do but I really don't think you should report her. I don't think you should say anything because like you say, it will put your friend in a position where she feels she has to say something and i think its not fair on your friend and also, you could be inviting a world of shite onto your doorstep if she ever found out. She sounds like a really nasty person but everything you have said on here is a bit "she said this, then she said that" sounding and i don't think it will have any bearing on the procedure (it should, but it probably wont).

Just rise above it - your DD sounds lovely and you should be very proud of her, and so long as this woman keeps out of your way, thats all that matters really - just tell your DD that sometimes, even adults don't know how to behave and that this woman clearly hasn't learnt any manners and should be ignored.

I'd struggle to take my own advice on this though if this were my own DD. In fact i'd struggle not to have it out with her, but really, what would that achieve?

NigellaLawless · 04/11/2013 10:37

Yes you should report her and I'm stunned and apauled that anyone thinks you should not!

I am a fostering link worker (a social worker which assesses and supervises foster carers) if one if my (approved or potential) carers was behaving in this way towards a child I would want to know. It May not prevent her bring approved but it will give the agency something to keep a close eye on.

In fact for all you know they may have concerns about her already and this might be the final piece of evidence they need.

oakmouse · 04/11/2013 10:54

You should report. Foster careers need to be patient, sensitive, calm and have a good understanding of vulnerable children. They may also have to deal with difficult adults in a sensible and sensitive way. If this woman can't be even ordinarily pleasant to you and understanding of your daughter it doesn't bode well, does it, for when she comes up against the inevitable trials of fostering?

It is not an easy job and I very much admire those who do it. sadly some people are attracted to it for money only and information like yours can help weed those people out. Nothing you have witnessed suggests this woman has the special qualities needed to take vulnerable and sometimes very difficult children, who may well have social and communication disorders, into her home and family. And how would her daughter cope, and behave towards them?

ThisIsBULLSHIT · 04/11/2013 10:57

I would report her in a flash.

EldritchCleavage · 04/11/2013 11:02

Please do report her. Save a foster child from being on the receiving end of the same gratuitous unpleasantness.

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