To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

I would always refer to my OH as my DH as that is what he is. I wouldn't be offended if someone in a professional capacity referred to him as my partner as that is what they are probably meant to say.

I'm not anti partner just pro personal preference! Some sections find partner offensive a good example being a homosexual couple fighting for the right to be married. It is very important to be called husband, spouse for SOME. That's why we need to adapt our language to the person.

What are you comfortable with, curlew?

That's the important thing, just like the op.

I refer to my dp as partner Sometimes people refer to us as husband/wife but I am not bothered about what someone who has no bearing or influence on my life calls me as part of their day. If I am talking to someone I know I use his name.

I'm more interested in the fact you're going to get your post-op information from the internet. Good luck with that one!

Pre-op rather

I recently started working alongside a gay man. When I referred to his OH as his partner, he said to me "Oh, he's my husband darling, we did the civil partnership thing last year". He seemed very proud of this. Although I guess technically they are not married, they refer to each other as husband. I started refering to his OH as his husband. He didn't need to ask me to do this, I didn't need to think about it. He used the term husband, so it is only natural, friendly and polite for me to do the same. It does upset him a bit when some colleagues seem to insist on saying partner or boyfriend.
I have asked him about this thread, he told me that in the OPs situation he would have felt upset, offended and a bit annoyed at the nurse and would have wondered if it was a bit discriminatory especially in a professional 1 to 1 setting.
I asked if it really matters. He said "It does to me"

I can understand why my colleague would feel this way.
He is proud to have a "husband" and it is important to him for other people to recognise his relationship status this way.
I don't think he feels a non married couple's relationship status is inferior to his civil partnership but he is proud of his CP.
I can't see anything wrong with his point of view, or am I missing something?

YABU to ask her not to use the term partner as it's hardly disrespectful. I also don't blame her for telling you why she refers to him as your partner rather than husband. I think that she should have switched to husband once you asked her but it's hardly important in the grand scheme of things is it? You sound very childish.

Well I'm with the OP. I've had the most appalling time of it with HCPs who won't recognise my preference of referring to DH as my personal saviour and master.

It's very important to me that even remote acquaintances recognise the importance to me of the vows I have made, and reflect on the deeply traditional way I wish to conduct my personal relationships.

AIBU as well

No there's nothing wrong with that. However op says the nurse explained the reasoning behind the use of the term and op got upset and left. We don't know that the nurse refused to say husband, just that she explained it and op didn't like it. Would you really walk out of a pre op meeting over that? For all we know the nurse never had another opportunity to say either word. Imo op over reacted although if course she is free to refer to her husband any way she wants.

DameFanny, you are being sarcastic?

Some people just love the whole marriage thing don't they?
The name change and all the Mr and Mrs stuff.
It is all a bit too matching anoraks for my tastes.

In Pride and Prejudice (written around 1812) Mr Bennet talks of 'being unable to respect your partner in life.' So calling a spouse partner is clearly nothing new, and the terms are interchangeable.

I want a personal saviour and master now

OP if you're still there can you clarify for me? You said please use husband, nurse said we use partner because... and you then left? Or did the nurse keep using partner AFTER you had been explicit? I don't expect her to have switched the words unless you had said. If you had left before the chance had been given definitely bu. If she had kept saying partner annoying Yes and only slightly less u but still wouldn't have left!

Noddy, why don't you ask one of those nice MRA posters if they can fix you up?

I wish OP would come back and dripfeed give more detail.

But does it really matter what opinion random strangers have of your relationship?

When it's a member of staff at a bank opening a joint account for us, who says 'Mrs T, would you and your boyfriend like to follow me please.' yes it does matter. If they can't grasp what 'Mrs' means then I'm not sure I trust them with my finances.

You can call the man you married your husband. Other people can call him whatever the hell they like.

I think we're being very unfair about the reverancy of holy matrimony and I am now off to reflect on the vows I once made to the man who is my husband, who I obey at all times.

First world problems.

I dislike "partner" and loathe "Ms". I do make a point of being called "Mrs" eg at work and I'd have been really cross at being told that someone couldn't use my preferred terminology in case it offended someone. I do think it shows a lack of respect and inability to personalise a procedure. Of course the nurse will have seen gazillions of patients over the years, but the OP is (presumably / hopefully) only doing this once, and some indication that she is being treated as an individual is not too much to ask.

I wouldn't have stormed out of the appointment over this, though. Surely it's a grit teeth and complain later situation?

Hope the op goes OK OP.

Mountain. Molehill.

You terminated the meeting, preferring to use Dr. Google instead, rather than listen to your darling dh from being disrespected. Bloody hell.