To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

She will be 'my child, my rules' not understanding only in your own home , in my house her child follows my rules or she removes her.
If the nurse wants to use partner she will.

Like someone calling you Elizabeth when you say you're Liz or (generally) an old person wanting to be called mrs x, you just have to respect what the person is telling you and go by the name they tell you.

Personally I don't see why the nurse couldn't change the vocab for this 1 to 1, though I do understand it'd be easier to say partner across the board. UANBU IMO, though I wouldn't have walked out, that's also rude.

But I am not sure OP you will change the system and that perhaps is why you have to let it go!

I disagree, I think this probably has happened before.

Some time ago, a nurse referred to an unmarried or homosexual woman's partner as her husband. She got very upset about it, complained, said it was discrimination. As a result of this a new policy was made saying all staff should refer to other halves as partners to avoid discrimination.

A nurse was carrying out her job and carried out the policy a bit literally. She is probably fairly new, not very experienced, and was just doing her job by following policies to the letter.

There is probably an issue with the policy wording. It should say that other halves should be referred to as partners, unless patient expresses a preference.

If I were married to David Caruso I would get irritated by everything too.

I think you are over thinking it. WhenI read your op and you mentioned what the nurse said, I immediately thought well she doesn't know you and you might be in a civil partnership or even single. When you corrected her perhaps she should have taken that on board. But to be offended, is a bit strong I'd say.

Oh and:

Partners = every partner possible that you can imagine
Husband = one specific subset of partner

"Partner" leaves nursing staff more time to to carry out their actual job. She might have been more flexible but then so might you have been. But David Caruso as I said would irritate the shit out of me so I don;t blame you for being scratchy.

Agree with slutbucket and diddl.

Partner is fine in groups, but patient's personal preference should be used in a one to one situation, imo.

I think the point is that "partner" includes "husband" but "husband" excludes people who are not married. It does make sense to use "partner" in general terms. Given you feel strongly about it and expressed this view the HCP should have referred to your DH as your husband, but I can understand why they generally steer clear of this minefield. You were, however, being OTT about something which is minor in the scheme of things and certainly shouldn't have walked out of your appointment over something like this.

Yabu.

But I would not say you are overthinking it, you have not thought it through properly.

‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘

This is very sensible.

You need to distinguish this further.

1-2-1 In a professional capacity as above Partner is acceptable.

1-2-1 in a personal ie, with friends, school mums, colleagues, people that you know, you can expect husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend to be used, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

But in a professional setting where you dont know eachother the use of Partner is the right choice, for the same reason as the nurse gave.

No reason to feel offended. Nurse had to follow her guidelines, she was doing her job and as such meeting you in a professional as opposed to friendly capacity.

We're not married but we use/ answer to everything including husband & wife, partners, bloke and the missus, the old boiler and the old fart, Other half, girlfriend and boyfriend(lol) Etc etc ...Mind you we have been at this game for thirty years together (childhood sweethearts) so totally over worrying about that kind of stuff. We even have people double barrelling our surnames or calling us Mr or Mrs each others surnames and we really don't get excercised by it. It only matters in reality in a relationship context for tax purposes or medical issues in case we got given the wrong drugs or the wrThe rest is kind of conceptual...

I get offended when people use 'myself' when they should use 'me'.

I'm a nurse. I don't believe for one minute that the nurse needed to refer to your partner more than once and think its even less likely she "lectured" you about it. Not that you've been back to the thread anyway...

YANBU. The titles are irrelevant, it's the rudeness of refusing to acknowledge your preference and thereby making you feel ignored and "processed" rather than having an adult-to-adult conversation. Typical of public service attitudes. Remember when they decided they could call everyone by their first name? Thank God that's dying out now.

I'm married, I refer to him as my partner in most situations when not referring to him by name, and I prefer to be referred to as his partner. I just prefer it - to me it feels more equal, it represents us well, and I don't see what our legal genders have to do with most conversations. I don't have any issue with people referring to him as my husband though, it's legally accurate.

I do think it's odd that the nurse didn't follow your request for the duration of that conversation. I understand not remembering the preference for later conversations (for me, most can't remember how to say my name - to the point that my kids hear the missaid version so often that they say it that way, I still have to regularly remind my own kids how to say my name) but for that conversation it was off for her to continue to do so. I do find it annoying, but it's still a bit overreacting to walk out over it.

I don't get the emotional overload connection to the gendered term your describing, it seems to be a defensive kneejerk reaction to your perception of how others view other relationships (as does your disclaimer).

Pay for your treatment and you can be Duchess if you want

god i would NEVER say partner

Like scottish bloody country dancing

All husbands or wives are partners. Not all partners are husbands or wives.

I prefer husband if he is behaving or the knobhead I am married too if he's being himself! Wonder how that would fit into the policy?

I work in healthcare and I always use partner in the first instance as I wouldn't know an individual's circumstances and potentially using husband/wife inappropriately could be quite offensive to same-sex or unmarried couples. As far as I'm aware, the organisation I work for doesn't have a policy regarding this, just seems like common sense. However I would take the patient's lead in how they refer to their significant other - they say husband, so do I after that. And if someone had come out & told me they disliked me using partner, I certainly wouldn't persist. Anti-discrimination policies are important but so is courtesy & common sense!
I couldn't care less if people call my OH husband or partner but if someone else expressed a strong preference I would respect it.

I work for the NHS and sometimes you can tell that a patient is going to be difficult even before they've opened their mouth. You inwardly sigh and just know that what whatever you do/ say will be wrong.

All you anti partner people

What do you suggest I call the man I have lived with for 25 years?

Bawjaws ?

get over it, it's not important, you were BU

curlew try love bunny !