To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

Heh heh heh

Redundant from...

Lots of people have been saying that husband/wife is a sub-set of partner. Since when has this ever been the case? Who decreed it?

My husband has never been my partner, nor ever will be. I have never referred to him as my partner and have no intention of starting to do so now.

What grates is ridiculous PC policies such as this, supposedly intended not to cause offence. Offence to whom?

I want a knight in shining armour saving me - the damsel in distress.< although I'm more of an over-ripe damson now.

I like the german term of a Mann and a Frau. < man and woman>
There is no Mr and Mrs.
There is no difference between married and unmarried . It is either my Mann or my Frau. Also adult females whether married or not are called Frau.
Legally the married spouse has a previx of Ehe, but not used in conversation.

digerd - I'm more prune than overripe damson

The definition for women by marital status really gets up my nose.

Have not read the entire thread but what I did see seemed to be coming down on the side of YABU, get over it. It is sensible for these sort of staff to get into the habit of using the same generic term for all, so they do not offend/make assumptions about marital status.

Same as years of working in schools and kids groups has led me always to use the words "your grown ups" (not mums/dads/parents) when referring to making a gift for/waiting for at home time/who is picking the child up/or who they need to give a letter to - because some don't have 2 parents, some have 2 mums, some are in foster care, some have complications of 2 step families & shared residency, some are collected by grandparents or childminders etc etc

In France we use 'conjoint', which loosely means 'the person with whom you are joined'. It works for me - but then I'm unaware of any associated Jeremy Kyle-isms.

redshifter but how would your friend feel if the nurse said 'and will your wife be picking you up?' which is to my mind what this policy has been designed to prevent happening. So much of our language is hetero-normative - and that is why partner was used in this instance. It's not just about classifying levels of partnerships IYSWIM

Tbh, I think the nurse should have changed after being asked to change, it's not a big deal. But I suspect after she explained why she'd used partner the op went all capital letter on her ass and she just CBA.

80sMum it just is. The way a lion is also a big cat or a chandelier is also a light or a watch is also a timepiece. It's language and doesn't need a decree.

The 'offence' aspect is simply an attempt to further 'other' already marginalised groups.

There is a thread at the moment asking why the elderly get het up about trivial things and I pointed out it is nothing to do with age!
My eldest child is 32 yrs and medical staff said 'husband'. Ten years later I had another and it had changed to partner. Times change, move on with them.

What grates is ridiculous PC policies such as this, supposedly intended not to cause offence. Offence to whom?

take an example of a lesbian couple , one of whom is pg by donor insemination/IVF. She goes to the midwife , who (quite rightly) cannot make any assumptions abut the father being on the scene, or the mother being in a hetero relationship, so they have to ask in bland generic terms Qs like "who is your next of kin" or "will your partner be attending the birth" etc etc, rather than make assumptions and start referring to "baby's dad" or "your husband". Many people WOULD be offended by these assumptions so using "partner" is an easy catch-all.

I heart Stravy for being able to say very sensibly what I couldn't.

I can't believe you flounced out of a meeting about your own health because a nurse said partner instead of husband. You really put your want for the world to know you have a husband above your own health? Really?

You might be very proud and being married might mean a lot to you, but it means nothing to the rest of the world. I know you've put that disclaimer at the beginning but frankly I don't believe it.

And some people just can't wait to be offended.

Back to the OP.

"However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner"

Why would the nurse do that?

She initially used partner so as not to assume anything, but then didn't take her lead from the OP.

That's really odd to me.

Actually, why would the nurse ask if OPs partner would be picking her up-why not just ask who?

Do you actually change the word 'partner' to 'husband' on forms? There are some real sad sacks about.

A lot of YABU'S here, and general rudeness just for the sake of it. Why should she 'get over herself?'
Don't be so bloody rude. I can understand the nurses using the word partner as a catch all, as I suppose that sounds sensible.
If your patient has TOLD you, repeatedly, that she wants him to be referred to as husband, then why keep pointedly carrying on with the word partner and blatantly ignoring their wishes?
Would it be acceptable if a young mum came in with her boyfriend and the nurse insisted on calling her boyfriend her husband when she knew full well he wasn't?
Of course it wouldn't. So why are married women fair game to piss off?
Treat all with respect.

YABU to be overthinking this so much and justifying it so much. I'm sure it did irk you but you should have just accepted the explanation as it was. Shouldn't your priority be the medical care you need rather then a word that the nurse will likely have to use according to her workplace?

Is this a wind up? It sounds like another precious and flowery post and has odd language such as 'terminating a meeting' in reference to a consultation.

Did you spend lots on your wedding, by any chance?

I'm not the OP, but what the fuck's that got to do with anything?
Or are you implying that if you prefer the term husband then you must be a Bridezilla who insisted on releasing white doves and having harpists flown in to perform at dawn or something?

You need to get a life.

"I'm sure it did irk you but you should have just accepted the explanation as it was."

Why?

Because the explanation doesn't really apply when it is known that OP has a husband, does it?

Maybe it's an age thing. I've been married 20 years and have never once referred to DH as my partner. Or had him referred to me as my partner IYSWIM.
I don't think of DH as my partner. He is my husband.
I do call him bawjaws though

Because the nurse explained why she has to use those terms. OPs husband is her legal partner. While the whole idea of having to use those terms after being corrected are annoying and pretty petty the nurse will have to use them according to her workplace, if there's an overly precious patient the nurse could get complained about or if another member of staff overhears her not following procedure then the same couple apply. And it's more petty to get so worked up about it to the person who is there to give you medical care, they don't make the rules- if you are that worked up them complain to the jobsworths who aren't actually healthcare professionals but just employed to piss us all off like this and would give someone warnings for not following procedures even in situations like this.

OP could have just said 'well that's ridiculous but i appreciate that you have to use them.'

I have a niece in my care who is often mistaken for my daughter.
In a hospital context I would say "No this is my niece not my daughter." Because it is a factual inaccuracy that has implications.

But husband and partner are synonymous.
I really fail to see what appalling damage is done other than the OP getting the hump over chuff all.

I think the umbrage that has been taken is much more to do with the nurse not acquiescing to the OP's request.

I'm sure the nurse wasn't saying partner to annoy the op. She was probably concentrating more on giving the correct medical advice. If it were me I would have been concentrating on that and not even noticing whether my husband was accidentally referred to as my partner.