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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to call the Man I married my Husband

723 replies

Mrsdavidcaruso · 02/11/2013 08:44

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
frogspoon · 02/11/2013 10:03

But Satin, do you have a preference over Satin, Miss Sandals, Mrs Sandals, Dr Sandals etc

If you were married and said you preferred Mrs Sandals, and the nurse kept calling you Ms Sandals (both are correct) and refused to call you Mrs Sandals because it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples, would you not be at all annoyed? (ok maybe not annoyed enough to storm out, but still a little annoyed that your personal preferences were being ignored)

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/11/2013 10:04

In my front facing workplace we are told to always refer to people the way they wish to be referred to.
Including "Jesus", "Lord Jones" and Mr Darth Vader Smile

nobalance · 02/11/2013 10:04

YANBU

I find the word partner really annoying. Just makes me think of business partner etc...definitely prefer my husband to be called my husband.

It is however handy to have a word that can be used whether married or not, where you don't necessarily know the situation. I just wish there was a nicer word for it!

baskingseals · 02/11/2013 10:04

No but you can hope that other people will respect how you feel, especially when you have told them you are uncomfortable you are.

Slutbucket · 02/11/2013 10:05

It is based on 15 years of working on healthcare standards and assessing people's practice to set standards so I think I'm quite qualified to give an opinion on this just as others are.

PukingCat · 02/11/2013 10:06

Katiescarlett & diddl

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

Op didn't ask the nurse to call him husband. She said he WAS her husband, the nurse then at some point said partner again, and THEN op asked for him to be called husband. The nurse then explained (not lectured) why she used the term partner. Op walked out.

Pointing out that someone is your husband isn't the same as asking for them to be called husband. Op did her utmost to be offended.

songlark · 02/11/2013 10:07

No yanbu, the nurse is. She is the one who made such a big deal out of it. I would have been just the same as you. She didn't like you using the word husband using the pathetic but much loved excuse of " it could be offensive to people who don't have a husband". I wish more people would stand up against these overbearing PC jobsworths. Where do you draw the line with all this "offensive to others" garbage. By that token shall we not call her a nurse in case it offends those of us who'd love to be a nurse but couldn't. Shall we ban the word "Doctor" in case it offends the nurses. You could go on forever, thats how pathetic it is.There won't be a shred of evidence to say that people are offended by the word "husband", just the same as all the people who are apparently offended by the word "Christmas". The only ones causing any offence are the sad idiots who dream up all this "offensive" shite. You used the word Husband...but by her objecting and saying it might cause offence to others she actually caused offence to you. To use the word "partner" when you have a husband is ridiculous and also rather implies there's some shame attached to having one. She made the fuss and caused offence to you, so YADNBU!

Rowlers · 02/11/2013 10:07

Give as many opinions as you like.
It doesn't mean you're right.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/11/2013 10:07

Well what else did she want the nurse to refer to him as?
Seems pretty explicit to me.

SatinSandals · 02/11/2013 10:07

No. I am Mrs but if people want to use Ms, Miss etc I let them get on with it. My son's school used to phone me up and use the wrong surname but I knew it was me so it was simpler to say 'yes'.
I can't get het up about trivialities.
I find it odd that so many people get upset about names on envelopes that will be thrown away.
I know I am Mrs, I know I have a husband- that is all that matters.

diddl · 02/11/2013 10:07

TBH, if I said "husband", I would expect the nurse to follow my example & say the same.

The nurse sounds a bit dim tbh.

veryconfusedatthemoment · 02/11/2013 10:08

Not quite the same, but my mum (in her late 70's) gets really upset when people use her first name, instead of Mrs X eg at a call centre. She is quite traditional and doesn't like it. We all have minor issues that bother us. I had an estate agent call the other day and left a message for mr and mrs Y. Now I saw the house on my own as Ms and am going through a hostile divorce, so i didnt like that very much. Thought it was sexist that a woman couldn't buy a house on her own. But I am not sure OP you will change the system and that perhaps is why you have to let it go!

AGnu · 02/11/2013 10:10

I've heard people get very upset about being called Miss instead of Ms & vice versa. I suppose this is similar.

Thinking about it, I prefer 'husband' when referring to my DH, although not to the extent of getting cross if someone persistently used 'partner'. I seem to remember being amused by the number of times a midwife said "your husband" in one meeting while I was using his name so she'd obviously adjusted how she referred to him. But couldn't remember his name! Grin

I might start calling him "Husband" instead of his name today, just to see how he reacts!

pigletmania · 02/11/2013 10:10

Yanbu at all, you have the right to be known as anyway you want, as the nurse is in charge of your care she should be respectful to your wishes, and refer to your husband as that to you.

Alexandrite · 02/11/2013 10:10

YABU.

PukingCat · 02/11/2013 10:10

If you were married and said you preferred Mrs Sandals, and the nurse kept calling you Ms Sandals (both are correct) and refused to call you Mrs Sandals because it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples, would you not be at all annoyed? (ok maybe not annoyed enough to storm out, but still a little annoyed that your personal preferences were being ignored)

See above. Op didn't ask for him to be called husband. She just pointed out that he WAS her husband and expected the nurse to change the term she used automatically. There is a massive differences. When nurse didn't do this, op then requested the different term and the nurse explained why they use the term partner. There is nothing in what op has written to say it was a lecture. Op didn't like this explanation and so walked out. This is because op has a MASSIVE chip on her shoulder.

Rowlers · 02/11/2013 10:11

What the fuck is wrong with the term partner?

Slutbucket · 02/11/2013 10:11

Rowlers are you homesy saying all nurses shouldn't listen to peopls preferences honestly. I don't think I'm right just arguing a point as eloquently as I can. Sorry if that offends you maybe aibu is right for you?

PukingCat · 02/11/2013 10:11

No yanbu, the nurse is. She is the one who made such a big deal out of it.

She didn't make a big deal out of it, she just explained.

READ THE OP!

SatinSandals · 02/11/2013 10:12

And OP thinks she can control others rather than just herself, she will no doubt expect to order her child's whole environment!

Rowlers · 02/11/2013 10:13

Dear god.
Ludicrous.
I'm off.
FFS.

PukingCat · 02/11/2013 10:13

diddlSat 02-Nov-13 10:07:58 TBH, if I said "husband", I would expect the nurse to follow my example & say the same. The nurse sounds a bit dim tbh.

Wow! Nice! I would imagine that actually like all nurses she has a thousand and one things on her mind and is doing the job of 3 people.

Slutbucket · 02/11/2013 10:14

Argh doesn't make sende that last post so obviously not that eloquant! However I have a wealth of experience in this and know I'm right! (Although I wouldn't have stormed out!)

sonu678 · 02/11/2013 10:14

the term partner is inappropriate and offensive. If you went to the trouble to get married, then Husband or wife is correct. Partner is just lazy.

However, I dont think I would get offended. Far too many other things in life to be stressed about than other peoples issues with language

scaevola · 02/11/2013 10:14

YANBU

As OP says, no problem with 'partner' being used as the default term, but if there is a request in a one-to-one situation to use a different term, then that should be complied with. I think that is especially important if you are told a preference in terminology from a same sex couple.