To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

Yes, it is correct to default to partner. However, having established that a patient ( or customer etc depending on the setting) prefers to use husband, then that should be used.

For what it's worth, I would also use the terms husband or wife for unmarried people or civil partners if that is how the person I was dealing with chose to define their partner.

That is being polite in a one to one conversation. I wouldn't see it any differently to using a preferred name.

I am married, refer to my husband (and to myself as his wife) and use Mrs Scissorhands personally and professionally. That is my preference.

That was a correction - as this morning I can't proff read or type.

While getting a grip would probably help on such a minor issue - not causing the issue with blanket top down bans or refusing to use a perfectly acceptable term to refer to a person other half would to.

Pfft.

I don't have a "partner", legally speaking. I have a "wife". That is the correct legal term. If whatever institution chooses to refer to my wife as my "partner" that is it's own affair, but it needn't inflict its preferences on me.

its

(facepalms)

Personally I hate saying "my husband", it makes me feel like a farm animal. Partner makes much more sense and is a better description of the relationship

I don't understand why you are so exercised about it OP.

I think you are confusing "my husband" with "my farmer".

Nope, I am thinking of "animal husbandry" which is usually used in relation to the care and control of farm animals

What Jedward said ^
Whereas I can't see it's anything to get worked up about, or leave a meeting without getting the information you need, about, once a person has expressed a preference, in a 1:1 meeting like that, then the professional person should be able to take that on board, in the same way if you ask them to call you MrsX or DrX or MsX or to use your full first name or your preferred name. They are in a difficult position in the first place, but knowing that for everyone you use one term to, there will be half that prefer another term, but in this case the OP was fine about the generic term being used initially, she then explained the situation and expressed a preference, so the nurse should have been able to take that on board, and was rude not to.

No, actually, HexU. Partner is generic. Like 'feline'. Husband/wife is specific, like 'lion' or 'tiger'. My objection is to the assumption that I have opted for that specificity.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
A partner is:
A friend who shares a common interest or participates in achieving a common goal
A sexual partner
A significant other in an intimate relationship
Wife or husband in a family
A member of a partnership
A business partner
Partner (business rank), a member of a law firm or accounting firm which is formed as a partnership
A participant in a partner dance
A participant in a game with teams of two, such as tennis doubles, contract bridge, or Partners (board game).

hmm - its a very generic and unspecific term imply some form of relationship but does not give unambiguous details as to what the people mean by it - which I guesses could be a good thing at times.

However it is more about being addressed or terms a person wants / finds acceptable being used.

My DH had never been my partner. We've never refer to each other that way or had family or close friends refer to us that way. We were boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé/fiancée , married or other parent to DC. It's not a term we or our social circle have applied to us - its only been applied by people just meeting us.

I'm not offended by the term - but I would find it odd that referring to my DH as husband or wanting other to do so wasn't permissible because others, who made different choices to me and who weren't part of that conversation, might be offended.

47.5% of babies born outside marriage in 2013 - expected to be more than 50% by 2016. Makes sense to use a generic term which encompasses everyone than one which only applies to about half those having children.

Nurse might have been a bit jobsworthy (if she did indeed refuse to call your DH "husband" when asked") but you were being wildly unreasonable leaving an appt as a result which makes me doubt your version of events.

Tortillas - 'who cares...?' - well, obviously the OP cares. Just because it doesn't matter to you, is it fair to say that the OP has no right to her feelings - which is what I think you are saying.

McFox - I know your comment wasn't addressed to me - it was meant to slap the OP down, for daring to have feelings about something you don't consider worth worrying about - and I think that is a nasty thing to do, whoever does it.

I twirl and preen when I hear myself referred to as' My Wife',so sue me!

My partner plays a mean hand of bridge,although we are not married.

I would not have walked out on the nurse,but she would have had THE LOOK for quite a few telling silent minutes.

Obviously, when you're talking to someone in a professional context (or personal, for that matter) for any length of time, one should note whether someone prefers "husband" or "partner" - "Mrs X" or "Susan". Is that even a matter of dispute? Hard to tell - the waters of this thread have long-since been muddied.

The problem is that some people are dealing with hundreds of people a day and it's not particularly a part of their job remit to take the time to get to know someone, as you'd expect from a doctor or nurse who's actually responsible for your medical care.

Like Kewcumber, I find the OP's version of events highly suspect - I gather this nurse was in and out on some administrative matter and she overreacted.

As a sidebar, I never use the term "partner", it's not part of my vernacular and I very rarely hear it in this context. I am an old married lady and if I'm asked, it's Mrs. Crowler.

And now, I am off to work.

Not read whole thread yet but a yanbu from me. Some people have partners, others have husbands or wives and it is polite to use the form preferred by the patient.

And I view it as discrimination against married people to refuse to acknowledge a legal status ( which marriage is), just because other people haven't chosen that status themselves.

I would find it odd that referring to my DH as husband or wanting other to do so wasn't permissible

I've not finished catching up yet so I could have missed something, but has anyone actually suggested it wasn't permissible? They hadn't when I left last night and it's not what the OP was about.

#1 no one is stopping you referring to your DH as husband

#2 no one is stopping you wanting others to do the same.

But if you mean you want to order other people to use the term you prefer then no you can't really any more than they can order you.

Their decision to have staff always use the term partner forever avoids any confusion or upset. The staff are trained to never use the other terms so they don't forget.

Anyway does anyone really want a note in their file at hospital & GP saying "This patient prefers her partner to be called husband/boyfriend?". You would have to be sure everyone called the hospital to change their notes in the event of divorce, remarriage or gender change.

LouiseAderyn partner is a generic term. If I refer to you as human that doesn't mean I'm denying you are a woman.

Quite a few of us have pointed that out, BOB, but the fact is that we are not Respecting the Married.

Personally, I don't madly like referring to 'my' anything - I quite often refer to Mr Inferior as "the kids' father". He's a separate human being, ffs. I don't own him.

Partner is fine as a starting point but if the OP says that she prefers husband to partner then the hcp should respect her preferences for the duration of their conversation. The OP seems like a reasonable person and probably wouldn't expect the nurse to remember her preference for ever more. But while they were talking, yes, the nurse ought to respect the patient's choice.

Unfortunately, in behemoths like the NHS, politeness has been replaced by a book of rules. Because its minions have to spend all their spare mental capacity remembering the rules, they have no spare brain-power available to use basic human virtues like kindness, sensitivity and common-sense

But we have enough brain power to plot how to subtly 'abuse' patients, apparently.

LouiseAderyn well the OP says she left after she was 'lectured' so we'll never know if the nurse would have changed the word will we.

Your 'reasonable person' "got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting"

I don't think it was reasonable for the HCP to lecture the OP. I think it was unprofessional and had I done it when I was training as a nurse, I would have received an almighty bollocking from the ward Sister!

We don't know she was lectured. The bit the OP quoted was this:

‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples‘

I call that an explanation

If there was anything worse don't you think the OP would have reported it to support her position?

BOB, the OP said she preferred husband and then got told (and it comes across as a lecture to me) by the nurse that they don't use husband because it could cause offence to those who don't have one. That in itself is odd because it implies that the feelings of those who aren't married are given precedence over those who are.

That doesn't sound like someone who would have changed what term she used to the OP. It sounds, to me anyway, like someone justifying why she was going to disregard the patient's legitimate preference.

I would be offended if my legitimate request was not respected by my hcp and would also prefer not to deal with that person. Is that not reasonable?

It's not whether it's reasonable in my opinion Louise. It's that it is so unbelievable petty that it would you make you look like an utter idiot to request a change of HCP because of it. It really doesn't matter does it? Not in the grand scheme of things