To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

tortillas You need to be careful with statements like that; they have a habit of becoming the thin end of the wedge and before you know it, the Overton Window shifts in worrying directions.

Small, iterative change in public perception, particularly ones which seem quite reasonable at superficial level can be very damaging in the long run.

Society needs people to get annoyed by these 'trivialities', otherwise we very quickly find ourselves somewhere we don't want to be.

Society isn't annoyed, it changed over 20 yrs ago.

I suspect 'society' would be more annoyed at having 'husband' as the default.

If there aren't referring to husbands and wives as husbands and wives have the polices around next of kinship changed within NHS?

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#next_of_kin

Next of kin

In some situations, for example, when you go into hospital or complete a life insurance form, you may be asked to give the name of your next of kin. Next of kin has no legal meaning but, in practice, hospitals and other organisations generally recognise husbands, wives and close blood relatives as next of kin. However, sometimes couples who live together aren't recognised as being next of kin.

Marriage

Your husband or wife will always have authority to act as next of kin.

No one is entitled to give consent to medical treatment for another adult unless they are unconscious or unable to give consent through mental incapacity. However, in practice, doctors do usually discuss decisions with the patient's family.

I suspect 'society' would be more annoyed at having 'husband' as the default.

Most people IME assume partner till corrected to husband/wife. Once corrected they don't tend to argue or ignore it and keep using partner.

I think the only odd thing was the nurse insisting she couldn't use husband when talking about OP husband. Once a preference is stated it is kind of rude to ignore and really odd to lecture.

It's odd the OP go so upset - but then people undergoing treatment can be worried and upset and I expect do focus on little things rather than big scary health stuff.

I don't the conversation with the OP was being monitored by NHS management so why upset a patient over such a small thing?

But why have such a policy in the first place - it's almost certain to offend the more elderly patients who lived at a time things were different - though most have moved with the times some haven't and why pick a fight? If it means so little why upset people at difficult times by refusing to used legally correct term for their partner.

Interesting point Duckworth and well explained. I like your method.

If you are unmarried, and do not work/care for children, you are in a far more vulnerable position that you would be if you were married.

You are therefore more likely to remain in an abusive relationship, because if you leave, you would leave with nothing.

It is not a good thing to gloss over these facts in an attempt to not offend people.

x post

That was to satinsandles

I can't see the fuss. Yes,she could have changed to husband, but she won't remember next time unless it is in the notes. I would think it very precious if someone had 'please refer to her partner as husband'.
I am over 60yrs and hate the thought that I am excused things because 'I am old and things were different', it is no excuse - of course I can change with the times! My mother manages it and she is over 90yrs!

Duckworth, I don't understand your point and I would like to.

Is this correct - you don't agree with the default as partner because this normalizes having children out of wedlock - which in turn erodes women's rights/legal standing?

No, what I am saying is that using the terms 'husband' and 'partner' interchangeably implies that there is no difference in the legal status of the two.

As long as there is a difference in the legal status, the two terms should be used to describe the two different legal statuses.

I fully support a woman's right to have children (or indeed not to have children) whenever she chooses, married or not.

What I object to is the duping of vulnerable women into believing that their unmarried status grants them the same rights as they would have were they married.

I just want women to know what their rights are, ideally before they make major life decisions such as moving in with an (unmarried) partner, having children, giving up work etc. Too many women do this with their eyes shut at the moment.

It is my opinion that GP's surgeries failing to differentiate between the status of 'Husband' and 'Partner' perpetuates this, which does women a disservice.

YANBU to think that she should call your husband "husband" after you clearly referred to him as your husband.

Partner should still be the default.

N.B. I am writing this from the Woman's perspective, because this is where my experience lies. I acknowledge there is no reason it cannot work both ways.

I just want women to know what their rights are, ideally before they make major life decisions such as moving in with an (unmarried) partner, having children, giving up work etc. Too many women do this with their eyes shut at the moment.

Thats a fair point and completely off topic but I'd really dispute that women who don;t marry are some "duped" into it and are not aware of the differnce in the legal status. In fact in my (limited but close) experience its women who are married who are duped into somehow believing that giving up their financial independence by not earning a wage for sometimes decades are somehow protected by marriage. With the exception of the very wealthy I have rarely seen a woman come away from a divorce after a long marriage as financially well off as a man.

Womens earnings are often terminally damaged by long periods off work and their earning power takes years (if ever) to recover, courts rarely recognise this long term effect, as long as both parties have sufficient income to support themselves.

I think very many married women are naive about what would happen come divorce and of course think it will never happen to them anyway.

That is the voice of bitter experience of parents divorcing after 35 years.

Yes,she could have changed to husband, but she won't remember next time unless it is in the notes.

If in a conversation I corrected someone to use husband my expectation is in that conversation they then follow my lead and use husband.

It's what happens in my everyday life and seems to be the accepted approach - the new social etiquette if you will.

I wouldn't be upset or surprised in subsequent conversations they needed reminding.

My reading of the Opening post is this was the expectation here as well as it was in one conversation Op corrected the nurse and was ignored. When she complained was lectured.

My only reference to age is that it is more common to find people under 30 automatically use partner - though never met one once corrected that continued - while older generation tend to assume marriage or skirt round subject.

Obviously this is a general thing - my 80 year old great Aunt who was widow early and then subsequently had partners, pension issues surround her getting married again, would be use to partners idea more so than my 60 year old mother who view on marriage are more old fashioned- who would get snippy on a bad day in similar circumstances to OP.

I'm 50. I use partner. And get highly offended by the suggestion I'm a Mrs, which I wouldn't be even if I did get married.

I can see your point Duckworth, but I think it's a separate issue.

Here we have a bureaucracy that has to consider such unpleasantries as "what happens if I mistakenly refer to a partner as a husband/wife" in the context of approximately 700,000 new mothers each year plus every other patient that may have to refer to their spouse/partner. Does the NHS really want to take on board the inevitable complaints that they'll have to sort through if they discern between the two? To please the seemingly few who actually care?

It's modern life. There's 7 billion of us on the planet. I'd lay blame at that fact above all else.

Surely its a similar thing though motherinferior if someone said husband/wife in reference to your partner and you corrected them you'd especially them to then use partner wouldn't you?

It's not that partner was used by that a preference was stated then completely ignored in fact worse OP was lectured that it was an invalid choice.

People are reading so much into a generic term! When I was pregnant 25 yrs ago I realised that it had changed to partner. I can't understand why someone having a baby 25 yrs later gets so upset about a triviality! And someone starts a thread asking why older people get uptight about trivialities!! It has nothing tomdomwith age!

I am married to my wife and she in turn is married to her husband, which happens to be me. We are man and wife firstly and partners in life.

Each to their own if someone wants to be referred to as a 'Partner' then that's ok, but it's perfectly OK to define yourself as husband or wife.

20 years or so down the line there will be another argument against being to referred to as 'partner' as the young wade in with their new rules of descriptive labeling for us all to adhere/become shocked and horrified by.

why someone having a baby 25 yrs later gets so upset about a triviality

Truthfully I don't either - but people do and to a huge degree.

They are often under other stresses when the encounter HCP - so why make an issue out of how someone wants there other half addressed or how they want to be addressed.

I am surprised that partner was so prevalent 25 years ago. I'm only mid 30 and DH is only 2 years older yet we've noticed under 30s go initially with partner yet older colleagues often don't.

I not know anyone once corrected - that continues with a none preferred term of address within the same conversation.

caruthers you are probably right. And when us old farts ask for the simple courtesy being referred to by the titles we've grown used to, we will be told we are archaic reprobates. Unless society changes for the better, that is.

I don't think this is a trivial matter at all. Politeness and respect are not trivialities. How many people would prefer to be referred to without reference to your gender, for example?

GET A GRIP, WIFEY

don't know

No, actually, HexU. Partner is generic. Like 'feline'. Husband/wife is specific, like 'lion' or 'tiger'. My objection is to the assumption that I have opted for that specificity.

The OP, and a quite hilarious number of other people, are getting huffy about the specificity. They are Married. To Husbands. They are Wives. The rest of us are pointing out that errr actually they married their partners.