To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

a belt for a skirt and face full of piercings

My GOD that comment is revealing isn't it?!

Not to mention "Insubordinate"

insubordinate
adjective
1.
defiant of authority; disobedient to orders.

Are the lower classes acting up again?

I think the OP might have got a "hard time" because she terminated a health appointment on hearing the explanation that the nurse gave, (in spines to a chastisement by the OP) for referring to her husband as her partner.
A more sensitive hcp might have picked up on the Op's se of "husband" and run with it. But it seems, to me, a bit of an over reaction to have left the room.
As I originally said. Hope all is well of course.

'NHS staff seem to do whatever they can, as subtly as they can, to abuse patients'.

Thanks for that sweeping generalisation Pseudo.

And the use of "insubordinate" (not by the op) is both outrageous and revealing.

Possibly, the poster who used the word "insubordinate" to describe NHS staff enters into her appointments with a sufficiently haughty demeanor that the (human being) staff members who have to deal with her become rude.

NHS staff???? I've been unfortunate to have to spend a lot of time in various NHS hospitals. I've always been impressed with the kindness of the 'staff'.

And possibly not Crowler because actually you don't know.

Only read page 1 and last one, but I am interested to note that many people have mentioned that they just say "Dave" or whatever, as it will be obvious they mean their significant other.
This has answered something I have wondered for years-often I will be chatting to a woman in the park/school playground, someone I don't really know, and she will say something like "yes, Simon takes Jimmy to football on a Sunday" and I think "Why am I supposed to know who Simon is?"
So it's a way of avoiding saying "my husband?"
I don't get it!
Oh, and OP, YABU.

Married, why did you use the word insubordinate?

I usually hate it when people post "Well if this is all you have to get upset about..." type posts but good grief this is so trivial it's untrue.

Do you enjoy being offended?

Pseudo! WTAF! Bullying!?

I've seen it all now!!

marriedinwhiteisbackSat 02-Nov-13 18:48:38 Perhaps if all staff in the NHS treated all patients as individuals and with respect the sort of tragedies that have emerged in Staffordshire might not have happened. Personally I think all patients and all people deserve better care and more respect than the NHS is presently providing.

But that only applies if you think that those who have children out of wedlock don't deserve respect!

NHS staff seem to do whatever they can, as subtly as they can, to abuse the patients.

I've heard some shite in my 25 years of working in the NHS but that takes some beating. I'm off to work tomorrow to 'abuse' patients.

Oh if you want to descend to that level what do you wear then a belt for a skirt and face full of piercings?

Reported.

Because when a midwife (or hcp) visits me in my home to carry out a booking visit and has received a copy of the booking letter that I know says something like "Mr and Mrs Inwhite have one son who is now nearly two. Mrs Inwhite miscarried her first pregnancy at 17 weeks on x 19xx and her third at 11 weeks on x 19xx. Mrs Inwhite has coped well with this and has the support of her husband but is understandably anxious about this pregnancy" I think that conveys quite a lot of information notably that Mr and Mrs Inwhite have been trying to have a babies not very successfully for some time and that the pg might be high risk.

I think in those circumstances the midwife who was by the way very very right on and might actually have been a little more mindful of being sensitive and caring in somebody else's home could have been a little bit more respectful of my circumstances. She knew my medical history, she knew I was married, she knew my previous three pgs had been with dh that two had been unsuccessful and this was my fourth. I really don't think she needed to be so right on as to ask the question in the way she did and taking into account all of that I think she was insubordinate and she was purposefully being quite nasty. Some of it is coming back now and as she walked in she also made a comment about how not all her patients lived in houses like mine and she hoped I knew how lucky I was. So actually I do think her behaviour was insubordinate and she was bang out of order. Th entire visit upset me and as I have said already, not least because that little baby boy died when he was born at 27 weeks and I felt then and still feel now that she did not value his life or the fact that he was desperately desperately wanted and planned.

I trust that explains why I thought she was insubordinate. Perhaps it might have been the wrong word but that is how I feel and it has been picked over and over on this thread. The point is patients should be addressed and treated with respect at all times regardless of the prevailing pc mantra because ultimately it is the patients who matter and the patients who have to deal with their feelings and pick up the pieces.

Anyway there was a happy ending because dd was born 51 weeks later at full term. And if anyone's interested she was delivered by the most wonderful midwife from Senegal who I hadn't met before because everything happened very fast when it happened. I remember that midwife's smile and face and utter gentleness and I wrote and personally thanked her. Apart from that all my care during that last pregnancy was obstetrician led and funnily enough the obstetrician never felt the need to ask if my baby had the same father as the previous babies but from the minute that pregnancy was confirmed both my GP and that obstetrician took me under their wing and cared for me and made sure I got through probably the darkest days of my life. I also shall never forget the community midwife who sat with me for 90 minutes on ds2s birthday when dd was 8 days old and held my hands whilst I shook with grief. Just as I shall never forget the midwife who questioned ds2's paternity and took something away for me from his very short life and yes, in the circumstances even not knowing what was going to happen I think she was insubordinate. She was in my home and in a woman's home I really don't think it behoves anybody to question the parentage of a woman's unborn child. That was the only home visit I have had during a pregnancy and I would never want another one.

Marriedinwhite do you understand what insubordinate means? Do you think you were in a position of authority over the midwife who visited you?

beccaagain in response to something equally rude said to me. So, if my post is deleted then I expect heartbreak's also to be deleted.

married. Losing your son must have been horrendous, but don't you think you've lost perspective just a little bit?
I still feel she did not value his life or the fact that he was desperately desperately wanted and planned. What?
Because she asked standard questions in an insubordinate fashion?
Jesus

I think as in all professions there are good and bad people but would never tar all with the same brush.
Still want the face full of metal comment explained

HexUSun 03-Nov-13 11:54:43 I think the whole baby has DC surname on the wrist band is to avoid issues in case of emergencies - I know it really upset DSis and her DP that their baby wasn't allowed to havehissurname those first days.

Yes that is why. So they name on the baby matches the name of the woman who just given birth to the baby. Makes things so much easier and would an ridiculous and pointless and potentially dangerous to label the baby with a different name. Your sis and her dp need to get a grip.

May be I have lost perspective but even now at 16.5 years remove I don't understand why the question had to be asked in my home. I was what, 11 weeks pregnant - the midwife didn't need to know the answer at that visit; she could actually have started building a good relationship and asked when I knew her better. Wouldn't one expect a professional midwife visiting someone in my circumstances to have been a teeny bit sensitive and as for the comments about the house as she walked in; well wasn't that a bit chippy and designed to get my back up. It did get my back up and I still think she did it on purpose tbh and I think she tried quite hard to try to subordinate me when I was very very anxious.

Maybe some people could agree to disagree with married?
Personally I hope the thread has given her an opportunity to re-visit how she felt about this MW visit in a helpful way.
I do agree that use of word insubordinate was a bit strong, but I can see how married might have found her comments, eg. about the house, cheeky, and, given her beliefs, can see why she felt some questions were insensitive or rude.
Am so sorry for your devastating losses married, as you know x

marriedinwhite
I don't have a partner, I didn't enter into my marriage casually, I didn't get pregnant by mistake. I think the careful, measured, loving approach does need to be applauded and to be valued if not treasured by society because if more children were brought into the world in that way there would be far fewer children suffering from neglect or poverty of from being a bit of an inconvenience.

So you want the hvs or whoever visit you to know that you are not a skank?

Its not marriage that keeps a home life stable, its commitment, and that doesn't necessarily come from a ceremony.

And children who are born out of wedlock are not an inconvenience!

Fuck me, you're a snob!

(Isn't it great that your username shows people how respectable you are)

Thanks for the explanation Married

I do have a reply to that but I think it would be hair splitting, and I have to say your last post brought a lump to my throat, so I think I will leave it there.