To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

Redshifter - !!

Flibbedyjibbet - I am sorry, but this 'Be glad you don't have a real problem' sort of comment is a cheap and crushingly insensitive shot.

Firstly, no-one has ever said MN is only here for us to discuss the truly major and traumatic issues - it is a chat forum, and as such we can discuss whatever we want.

Secondly, it is stupid to say that people can only ever get upset if they are suffering a major life trauma - not to mention an arrogant dismissal of someone's genuine and real feelings. It is not a misery competition, with only those who are suffering the most being 'allowed' to be upset.

Thirdly, given that she was having a pre-OP visit with the nurse, it is very possible that the OP unconsciously transferred some of her nerves about her up-coming surgery to the issue of her husband not being referred to as such, and it became a bigger issue in her mind - and the nurse should have been sensitive to that, and could easily and with no negative consequences, have been a bit more sensitive and tactful, and could perhaps said "I'm sorry - we are told to,use partner, so as not to offend those in same sex partnerships, civil partnerships and those who are single - but I will refer to your husband as your husband from now on" - that would have been good practice, in my book.

Very well said , SDT

marriedinwhite

Your posts have made me very angry. My children are more likely to be deprived and less successful than yours because I'm not married? They have less financial security? Unplanned pregnancies only happen outside marriage? All pregnancies within a marriage are planned?

Your snobbery is breathtakingly rude. Calling an HCP 'insubordinate' and a 'right little so and so' for asking standardised questions is disgusting.

I have three children. I was asked the same set of questions at each initial appointment. Only the first pregnancy had an 'at-home' initial appointment. My midwife (not HCP, for goodness sake, say midwife, it won't kill you) asked me whether the children had the same father, whether the father was a blood relative, whether there was any domestic violence in our relationship. Was I offended by these questions? Of course not. This information is collected for my well-being and, more importantly, for the well-being of my children. Oh, and you'll love this, my midwife (had the same one for each child) called me by my first name. Oh, the cheek of the woman! Obviously has no shame.

I think you need to get over to 'snobby-head-up-backside-professionally-offended-by-everything-yet-thinks-nothing-of-being-offensive-net'.

Well you were exceptionally lucky then heartbrokenmum73. When I was pg with my DS from booking appointment until I was signed off by the community midwives I saw 37 midwives, doctors, hcps, etc.. All discussing my private parts and the most important thing that was happening to me. I never saw the same midwife more than twice during any of my pregnancies until the 5th when we paid. In those circumstances I think it is even more important to treat women with respect.

You know what, when I have to deal with 37 different people in those circumstances all providing different advice, some of it wrong actually, I expect to be called Mrs because there is no mutually supportive relationship to develop and I expect to be treated with respect. If you don't like that and just want to get angry about then tough.

Marriedinwhite - I am married, my children were planned, they have the same father and were wanted and cared for in every way. I didn't enter marriage casually, my marriage involved my moving halfway around the world and leaving my entire life and connections to my culture behind and spending a lot of money and time to prove I was worthwhile to keep in this country - I took it very seriously. I planned out my pregnancies very carefully as particularly the latter ones were risky to my health even with good planning.

I still call him my partner - he is my partner in everything - and I don't need society to applaud or treasure me anymore than anyone else. I know many married people whose partners left them without any financial support - these families and every other family need to be supported, not stigmatized and declared 'casual' and wrong. I know families who did everything "right" and still needed support due to unforeseen disabilities - they care about their children just as much even when unable to provide.

I would argue that society needs to be more fairer and that information on relationship arrangements should be included in education and public discourse, not that a particularly lifestyle sets the bar of acceptable and everyone is judged for their lack of making it. I almost lost my eldest son because someone thought I was unmarried and thought this was unsuitable, no one should have to suffer that because of social bias.

married I'm angry about all your guff regarding children from unmarried couples, not how many people you saw.

I saw lots of different people too (I didn't keep count because I'm not pedantic and professionally offended by things, like you) throughout my three pregnancies. I was treated respectfully by EVERYONE I came into contact with, but I suspect that was more down to ME being friendly and treating them as my equal, rather than having a snooty attitude and seeing them as beneath me.

Your comments regarding children whose parents aren't married were extremely offensive. I'm not married. My children aren't deprived or less likely to succeed. They weren't all planned either (but marriage has nothing to with that - marriage isn't a contraceptive device) but they're all very much wanted and loved.

They're all bright, lovely, well-mannered little individuals and they were all (and still are) advanced in their development and schooling. And my DD (not planned, how terrible) has already decided she wants to be a pediatrician when she grows up. I hope to god she has little or no contact with people like you. Or maybe she should lower her standards now, having been born out wedlock, the filthy little wench.

Statistically the data indicates that children who are unplanned and from less stable backgrounds have poorer outcomes than children from families where the parents are married and also that married parents are more likely to stay together and their children have better economic environments. That is stating the facts. It isn't being snobby and it isn't being superior.

And how dare you say I have been rude to any person I have ever come across because that is simply not the case. But I do think that many many nurses or midwives or healthcare professionals need to scrutinise the manner in which it has become normal to behave towards patients. One has only to look at the threads on here around poor birth experiences and poor experiences and advice from health visitors.

Rather than being a question of who I think I am I think you need to have a little think about who you think you are. No doubt you are the nicest person on the planet and are totally above any criticism whatsoever. And you are the one calling your own daughter a filthy little wench not me - I wouldn't dream of referring to any child in such a disgusting manner, least of all one of my own.

I didn't say you'd been rude to anyone. I said you have a bad attitude to people you see as beneath you. I stand by that because you've made some disgusting remarks about HCPs.

How dare I? You're hilarious, married, really. The things you've said on this thread (and others) are beyond 'how dare I'. And I'm not the only one to pull you up on your bad manners.

I don't think I'm the nicest person on the planet or above criticism. I criticise myself a lot. I pull myself on bad behaviour or manners. I do, however, try to treat others as I'd like to be treated, and I'm trying to teach my children to do the same. I don't see HCPs as 'little so and so's' or 'insubordinate'.

And the remark regarding my daughter was sarcasm, a concept I doubt you've heard of. I bet you wear pearls and a twin-set...

marriedinwhite, I'll admit I've lost my way here, I can't keep track of what you're upset about. You seem to be upset that the NHS exists. Why don't you just go privately in all cases?

My youngest was hospitalized some time ago for four days and the doctors and nurses were fantastic, almost without fail. There were maybe one or two aides that were less than pleasant, but overall, I was touched by the efforts they had made.

It seems, marriedinwhite, like you just want to lord some minor transgression from years ago over the NHS staff, and the way in which you throw your perceived status around is really unpleasant.

Obviously, I don't really think my daughter is a filthy little wench. I wasn't calling her that, but you're completely incapable of reading between the lines, aren't you. How very dare I!

And please stop starting paragraphs with 'how dare you'. You sound ridiculous and hysterical.

Anyway, back to my tattoos and cheap cider. And then some beating of my (unplanned, unloved, destitute and likely to end up in the workhouse) children.

heartbroken wasn't calling her daughter a filthy little wench.
She was Very obviously using the term sardonically having been upset at the insinuation that being the child of a married couple would be an inferior experience to being the child of an unmarried couple.

I now have to hide this thread because it's getting so mean and it's a Sunday FFS!
Love to all.

marriedinwhite DH and I got married in between the births of my two boys. Does this automatically confer different life chances on each of them, irrespective of other factors?

Thanks Amanda - someone who understands what I was aiming at.

Ouryve - if I were you I'd bin the first son, he's obviously going to be a drunkard and a waster.

I'm dropping all three of mine off at a charity shop tomorrow morning...

Obviously there are some rubbish HCPs. And some wonderful HCPs.
That's not really the point he though is it?

Facts and statistics are rarely neutral, science is full of bias and has always been used to push agendas, and there are multiple studies that disagree with marriage being more stable when taking poverty or other oppression dynamics into account (the latest one says that the best parents are gay partners). Marriages can be as wonderful and can be as damaging as any other relationship.

But even if those statistics were accurate, it wouldn't be accurate for everyone within those groups (and not all relationships have children for that to be a determining factor) and it shouldn't end up with people being treated worse because of how their relationship is perceived. I shouldn't have two midwives try to get social services involved with my newborn son 9 years ago, breaking several rules to do so, simply because they didn't think I was married (regardless that I had been for some time). Regardless of what the statistic say, it doesn't mean anyone deserves to be valued and treasured more for their choices that aren't available for everyone. I can value my own marriage without other people doing so.

Part of equality and differentiating is treating people as individuals and not part of their demographic and part of that is asking the questions they need to get the information to treat you as an individual. No matter the pictures or what one wear, it needs to be clear. Some questions could be asked better, I've had some rather disturbing ones connected to my ethnicity (most being ones I find medically unneeded, particularly political ones) and my relationship, and my kids, challenging the value judgements and the tact of asking questions can bring about progress (though the challenging the tact of questions is how partner started being mainstream use) but the idea that one lifestyle should be treasured in public space isn't challenging political correct culture, it's merely standing up for the status quo where marriage is already the bar for which everyone else is judged already.

Statistically the data indicates that children who are unplanned and from less stable backgrounds have poorer outcomes than children from families where the parents are married and also that married parents are more likely to stay together and their children have better economic environments. That is stating the facts. It isn't being snobby and it isn't being superior.

You've got it the wrong way round - poverty causes poorer outcomes for children - this environment is more likely to create unplanned pregnancies and barriers to marriage.

Once you control for socio-economic factors and the mothers education status, the differences between outcomes of children from separated parents versus married parents disappears.

Prince William seems to be doing alright for example.

I am married and all my children were planned. They were all born in separate hospitals and every time I was asked about my family situation- was I single, was the pregnancy planned etc
That's what they ask, it's not 'insubordinate' (WTF?).

I can't believe anyone who get upset about their husband being referred to as a partner. Quite frankly who cares? No- one is putting a gun to your head and forcing you to get divorced.

Hell the other day I had to take one of my kids to the A & E. I was with a female friend and the doctor assumed we were a couple. The poor OP would have had a stroke.

There's an awful lot of sensitivity about this. If everyone thinks everyone else should be treated equally and nicely I can't help wondering why so many people gave the OP such a hard time in the first place. All she wanted was for her husband to be called her husband - entirely factual. If so many object to that what is in fact the problem if there are no issues about not being married, etc.

Just think that's a rather interesting point but no doubt it will upset all those with partners or those who want tpo call their husband or partner spiffyhugkin because it is different from their entirely correct and perfect world view from which nobody must detract let alone disagree.

I hope the OP's OK btw and that next time she gos to a hospital appointment she is made to feel a little more at ease.

What is the comment about the the belt for a skirt amd a face full of piercings supposed to mean??

Pseudonym99 that's not what it says in the OP but if you know the nurse and have more accurate information...