To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

Bitching about the OP user name and assigning characteristics on that basis

Who? Where? As far as I can see they were comments on the various people named Caruso.

If you are referring to my observations about Enrico possibly being called David by mistake being ironic in the light of the thread topic, or that David Caruso has been 'husband' to a lot of people

a) How could you NOT think this was totally hilarious and

b) Neither was a reflection on the OP.

As you were, Katie

It's a bit late, but... How many times would the HCP have found it necessary to refer to op's other half, in the course of a discussion about op's forthcoming surgery, I wonder?
Op has managed to suggest it was almost continuous...
Obviously it wasn't. So, twice, maybe??

Bet she flounced on the second.

I agree with you! I'm proud to call my Husband 'my Husband' and would feel slightly offended if forced to call him Partner for the sake of being politically correct, especially if I had politely asked that this not happen! x

PeriodFeatures I found the fumbling health professional referring to DH as either 'partner' or birth 'partner' really frustrating. It was also gently explained to me that our baby would, for hospital purposes, have to have my surname on his wristband but this was not a requirement when registering him!! We are married!

Oh dear! How traumatic! Did you have to have therapy afterwards? Or at least a lay down and a cold compress.

I do wonder what would happen to some of you if you suddenly found out that you weren't legally married or something else unlikely. Your worlds would come crashing down without the ability to say that you are legally tied to another person "but someone loves me.

I think you must look down on unmarried people or think it somehow makes you special, otherwise it wouldn't bother you.

This whole thing reminds me of a woman i know whose husband suddenly died. She was going to holiday with lots of other couples and then found itself uninvited because she was no longer one of a couple!

Im "proud" to be a good kind person. Proud to be married!?!

Yes Pukingcat......I am proud of my husband and of our marriage, its something I treasure. This doesn't mean I feel superior to anyone in any other personal situation but I love sharing my life with the wonderful man who is my Husband. I am also a 'good kind person' as I am independent and successful. I can't speak for the OP as to how she views 'unmarried' people, I saw each to their own......but if its a spade then call it a spade. Our society needs to grow up somewhat! x

Say not saw!

they should say husband if he's your husband. that's who he is.

While it wouldn't bother me I find it more normal that partner is used until such point as the persons has been told actually it husband then they usually use husband.

My experience was of asking where my DH was when he was in hospital - and stating I was his wife in response to who was I question - was to find myself repeatedly asked was I sure I was his wife .

My IL and my own parents were never questioned as to their identify - but me with the DC every visit. He was wearing his ring as well and talking about his wife and I was the only possible candidate visiting him.

I have no idea what it was about - but it did cross my mind they though I was just a DP and therefore less entitled to information and 'bigging myself up' by calling myself his wife- though I wasn't asking anything medical.

they should say husband if he's your husband. that's who he is.

Not to be too picky, but I would posit that that's WHAT he is, not WHO he is.

I think the whole baby has DC surname on the wrist band is to avoid issues in case of emergencies - I know it really upset DSis and her DP that their baby wasn't allowed to have his surname those first days.

I do find I correct people who refer to DH as partner - but I do that automatically and I don't usually have to do it twice or get it ignored.

I like calling DH my husband but I'm not arsed if people refer to him as my partner, I call him a lot worse myself (wankjockey is my current fave).

Ok. Phone call to me "amandaclarke. Your partner has been injured and we need you to make a life and death decision for him" Me: "sorry. I don't have a pertner, on.y a husband. You must have the wrong number"

Ha ha ha!

For me, the issue is not the general policy - it is the fact that the nurse saw fit to lecture the OP on non-discriminatory policy instead of making the tiny adjustment, and referring to the OP's husband as her husband during that chat.

Why would that have been so difficult for her?

Something mattered to her patient - yet she chose to put rigid adherence to the rules above caring for her patient - and yes, treating a patient with respect (which includes using terms they understand, not using terms they find offensive even if you don't, and not treating them to patronising lectures IS part of patient care - or at least, it was, the way I was taught to nurse)!!

I have tried imagining what my first ward Sister would have said to me, if I had given a patient a patronising lecture on non-discriminatory policies - and even now, 30 years on, I am going cold at the thought!

And on a lighter note - David Caruso.

marriedinwhiteisbackSat 02-Nov-13 17:55:17 Well I recall an appointment in my home more than 16 years ago. In my eyes the midwife questioned my respectability, questioned the status of my marriage and the stability afforded to my first child and I found that unspeakably rude at what should have been a formative point in an important relationship. Being pleased to be married and to celebrate and applaud it isn't smug it's entirely normal and I believe research shows that children from relationships where the parents are actually married tend to be less deprived and more successful that children from relationships where the parents aren't married but that of course is a different thread. However, I expect hcp's to call me Mrs and from the point of that booking appointment I have absolutely insisted on it because I will never be put in that situation every again by a right on little so and so who thinks she can be insensitive.

Er wow

WilsonFrickett Thanks for the link. Interesting. It was the type of information I was looking for.

I found this passage quite apt to this thread. Well, it says similar about the 'language of marriage' to what I was trying to say. And why it is important to some people. -

The language of marriage carries a social weight that civil partnership does not. This is a reason why civil partners often refer to their partnerships as 'marriages', rather than 'partnerships'.Those who back equal marriage say using a different word indicates that society attaches less importance to civil partnerships.

I don't understand why people seem to think that marriage has an elevated status. It really doesn't.

I agree.

I do not expect the fatherhood of my children to be questioned in my own home and without an apology being tendered.

What to say!?

Really can't be bothered to read beyond the first page but just thought how lovely it is to hear from someone who has such a charmed life.

You must be free of stresses, illness, bereavement and financial worries if you spend so much time worrying about this.

I am fully aware that a person's problems are never fully measured by another person's but may I suggest you try.

Read these boards for tales of heartbreak and onfidelity, people with sick children/partners/parents/siblings and financial worries to break your heart and then be jolly thankful they don't refer to him as fuckwit's husband.

And in response to your wow pukingcat I think Wilson Fricket and Duckworthlewis have made some exceptionally valid points.

I am married. I have a husband; I am called Mrs; my children were planned; they have the same father and were wanted and have been cared for in every way. I don't think its unreasonable to respect people for planning and making sure they are able to provide for their children and to give them as much security and safety as humanly possible.

I don't have a partner, I didn't enter into my marriage casually, I didn't get pregnant by mistake. I think the careful, measured, loving approach does need to be applauded and to be valued if not treasured by society because if more children were brought into the world in that way there would be far fewer children suffering from neglect or poverty of from being a bit of an inconvenience.

I think it is very very sad, as set out by Duckworthlewis that "the system" has undermined careful planning and security and sadder still that children are born into insecure lives and homes where the mother can be left at the drop of a hat with little or no recourse to any financial support. That is what clearly distinguishes a marriage from a co-habiting arrangement and sadly not many relationships which are entered into casually, where children are unplanned actually have any formal or legal mechanisms in place to protect the children or the mother. But the system has normalised this rather stealthily over a couple of generations now and nothing will convince me that the system is right.

Every patient should be treated equally and with respect but as many know providing equality of opportunity does not mean treating people the same; it means differentiating so that they are able to access services equally. What I will never do is reinforce the politically correct, we do what we are told and can't question it, attitude that now pervades too many public services in this country.

STD re Caruso link. I thought that was who it was. Thanks.

And no, Katie, I'm not bitching about OP's user name, I just wondered that's all. Niether was Becca earlier. I thought her Caruso comments were very funny but definitely not bitchy.

Whoops! SDT (not STD) sorry it was unintentional.

Though I wonder if I did have an STD would the SH clinic advise me to inform my wife or my partner or my FWB

Thanks everyone for the information about David Caruso.
I will, however, stick with Mr Clarke (and Gabriel Mann. And of course the beautiful Laurence Fox)
As you were.

I have to say that I don't think it is marriage per se that makes for stable relationships and a good foundation for raising children - I think it is considered, thought-through commitment to each other, whether that be in a marriage, a civil partnership or any other flavour of partnership.

Nb. I am not saying that having two people raising a child is superior to one parent raising them - I am simply saying that, when there are two parents, it is the commitment to each other and to the family that makes it successful, not necessarily the marriage ceremony.