To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

When my friend was an irritating newlywed she had to get the words 'my husband' into every conversation I think it made her feel like a grown up.

Thank god shes calmed down now.

You sound bonkers, OP. Also, you do realise the nurse has now written the equivalent of 'this woman is nuts, try not to talk to her if you can avoid it' on your notes, don't you?

I might suggest that the nurse was just politely letting you know why partner was used because if you actually ever make it to whatever procedure your having, it's likely that every other member of staff will refer to your "partner" until you tell them you prefer "husband".

What are you going to do when it happens on your admission? I can pretty much guess that the nurse who will be looking after you on a surgical ward will have 8 patients minimum - should his / her priority be remembering how each patient prefers to refer to their significant other, or be focused on making sure that all post-op patients are safely monitored and have their medication appropriately?

Or are you just planning to flounce out each time an HCP you've met gets it wrong?

I very deliberately call DP 'my boyfriend', even though we're both 33, have two children together and have been in a relationship for 14 years. Meh. Sometimes people call him my husband, sometimes my partner. But I still feel in the first flush of love with him, so boyfriend it will be.

And it's Miss sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea, thank you. I am very happily unmarried.

YABU big time. The question of whether a nurse calls someone Mrs x or first name is in no way comparable. One is respect, the other makes no rational sense to me at all.

YABU, at the end of the day what difference does it make? She knows you are married so what does it matter - if she says husband or partner or other half whatever. Bit dramatic to 'terminate' the meeting...

YABU, and a smidge precious at that.

Actually I'd get really cross with this in reverse. I'm a single mum and have been since I was pregnant. I have a boyfriend who is more akin a family friend in terms of his relationship to my DS. He doesn't live with us and he doesn't stay over at mine.

Hate the assumption when we are introduced that he my DS's Dad or my husband. It's a natural assumption but I always feel the need to point out that no we aren't married.

In the case of medical issues it's important because I'm essentially on my own. Next of Kin is my brother not the "partner" that drove me to the hospital. I'd be upset if a nurse (or anyone) couldn't grasp this.

Ha, that's nothing. Our GP is at least 20 years older than me and insists on calling me mummy. Usually when the kids are with me

I call the man I'm married to my Housebound.
Hth

YABU big time. The question of whether a nurse calls someone Mrs x or first name is in no way comparable. One is respect, the other makes no rational sense to me at all.

Sorry for posting twice - strange phone / in incompetence

A marriage IS a partnership. Your husband IS your partner just as you are his, like it or not. You stormed out of the meeting when a perfectly correct term was used!!

How ridiculous can you get??

If you see that nurse again tell her to "DH" in future. It solves the problem of whether to use Husband or Partner.

Just because some people are happy for the word partner to be used, doesn't mean that those who aren't, are being ridiculous, Topseyt. It means that something that isn't important to you, is important to them. Why aren't their feelings as valid as yours?

And why would it have been SO difficult for the OP's nurse to have referred to her dh as her husband, when politely asked to do so? It wasn't going to offend any other patients/service users/clients - she was the only one there. What dreadful thing would have happened, if the nurse had used the word husband? Why were the rules more important than a real person's feelings?

A marriage IS a partnership. Your husband IS your partner just as you are his, like it or not.

This is exactly what I was thinking! You can be a partner without being a spouse but you can't be a spouse without being a partner.

I feel desperately sorry for any HCP who finds themselves in the position of having to care for marriedinwhite, who seems almost comical in her attitude.

I wear a wedding ring -doesn't mean you're married. Many prior wear wedding rings and aren't married, and vice versa.

I had my wedding photos displayed -doesn't mean you're still married. Could have been from years ago and you could be divorced. Could be pictures of your twin sister, or close friend.

FFS, just answer the questions instead of becoming professionally offended by someone doing their job. I bet those midwives were drawing lots over who had to see you at each visit. I would have bloody refused!!

To answer a question upthread. Two gay friends of ours in a civil partnership refer to each other as "husband".

"Partner" is the wrong word because it has many different meanings and thus can be confusing. I said before - we need a new word that has just one meaning. Until then I'll use husband, so the meaning is clear.

Raffles, respect is due on both sides. An accumulation of years does not give someone an automatic right to rudeness.

Stravy

The point does have an extra layer of significance for same sex couples though and to pretend that it's a fair comparison denies the experience of a group of people who are still denied the right to marry so are, understandably imo, keen to call their CP husband/wife as a way of emphasising that they consider the relationship to be equal to marriage despite what other people may think

I agree with this, as I discussed about 20 pages ago on this thread. My gay friends refer to each other as husband and husband even though they are not married and it matters to them that other people respect this and do the same.
They wish to get married. To them it is not so much the legal etc. Issues, more how society views their relationship.
If a hospital had a policy of never using the term husband/wife even when asked to do so, my friends would be quite upset.
They want their relationship to be seen as EQUAL to marriage, which implies a distinction between being married and not married. They do not think of unmarried couple's relationships to be any lesser than their own, just that the distinction is important to them as a couple.
Obviously this distinction is more relevant to a homosexual marriage but to many heterosexual married people the distinction is very important to them personally as well. Sometimes for generational, cultural or religious reasons or whatever. It doesn't mean they are looking down on unmarried people ( sometimes it does ) but even if they were, surely we should respect the importance the distinction has for them. It's only nice and polite.
Lets be polite and nice to people and respect their preferences even if we find them stupid and trivial.
Respect what is imoportant to people regardless of their sexuality, culture etc.

Beccagain I hate this :-

Gosh what a charmer you are! By the way, there's no apostrophe in hcps. Yes, totally irrelevant and uncalled for but I will not have a self important and congratulatory woman using apostrophes wrongly just because she thinks she can.
But it did make me laugh at you Becca

If you are going to be pedantic enough to mention an unnecessary apostrophe, you should have at least capitilised intials (HCPs not hcps). When not doing so, in my experience on MN threads, has caused more confusion than unnecessary apostrophes.

Why did you use lower case Becca? Because you think you can?

This really annoyed me. I don't know why. Maybe I should get a life.

Crowler -

So. When you go to a NHS A&E they do NOT ask you if you have a social worker? They say Hi, Mrs MarriedInWhite? Really?

I have taken my DCs to A&E many times and to other NHS places over the years. Yet I have never been asked if they have a social worker. Their mother gets asked every time though. It's weird
I suspect staff are prejudging/stereotyping her. But I don't know really. But they regularly assume lots of different things about her. Doesn't do any harm really, but it comes across as snobby and she can find it hurtful. And it's bloody annoying.

YANBU OP, we are doing some of the most vulnerable women in society a massive disservice by adopting this policy, under the guise of not causing offence.

I work for an advice giving organisation and spend an inordinate amount of my time drumming into young, unmarried mothers how vulnerable they are legally speaking I.e. they have pretty much no legal rights should the fathers of their children decide to end the relationships.

Most of them are astonished to learn that having been together for a certain amount of time, living together and indeed having children together confer no automatic rights to property or other assets in the way that marriage does thanks to The Matrimonial Causes Act 1958.

We were just about getting somewhere (had pretty much quashed the belief in the concept of the 'common law wife') when some numpty thought this 'non-discriminatory' approach was a good idea.

I am the most vocal advocate of stamping out discrimination where there is no material difference between the two ( between a British Asian person and a white person, or a man and a woman for example ). The trouble is, there are such huge and significant differences between the statuses of being maried and unmarried (especially for women with children) that we have a responsibility to discriminate between the two, as loudly as we can.

Quite apart form anything else, as long as we keep perpetuating this myth that there is no difference between being married and unmarried, we give ammo to the type of man who refuses to marry his partner and mother of his children, as he can just trot out this line and keep the woman in the vulnerable position that she is in. The fact that the GP surgery had adopted the line too just adds weight to his (fallacious) argument.

Shameful, I'd be making a complaint if I were you op...

Nb. I refer to the refusal to use the word 'husband' at all, even when corrected. I'd agree that 'partner' is probably a good starting point.

...but a differentiation should be made between civil partners (with legal rights) and just 'partners' (unmarried ones, with no rights)