To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

SDT - as far as I am concerned if a same sex couple have designated themselves with husband and wife titles I think that must be respected. I am a staunch believer in gay marriage and that same sex couples should have as much right to a church marriage and/or blessing as anybody else. I sincerely believe that Jesus would have afforded them that right.

What I remember are the "is it planned", "do you want it", type questions

Married believe me I appreciate that your loss is still raw even at this remove, and you have my sympathy. But can you honestly not see that the HCP would have been wrong, so very very wrong, to have assumed that she knew the answers to these questions. She HAD to ask them.

Happily married women have children by donor insemniation too married. Happens all the time. Should they risk serious rhesus negative problems because you are offended by a perfectly reasonable question?

But it's the way these things are asked. That baby in particular was my fourth pregnancy and we had one child. I don't think a bit of care and sensitivity would have gone amiss to be honest. The hcps knew my history it was set out in the booking letter - would it really have been too much to ask the midwife to have read it?

Had dd privately. Funnily enough none of those questions were ever asked then.

Anyway I am disappearing for a while now. My husband has reminded me that I need to get ready to go out.

SDTG

If it was a same sex couple I imagine the HCP would have said something similar. It was an explanation of why she had been saying 'partner', not a venom filled rant. It also seems that she didn't have the chance to say husband, as the OP did a runner after the explanation. The point does have an extra layer of significance for same sex couples though and to pretend that it's a fair comparison denies the experience of a group of people who are still denied the right to marry so are, understandably imo, keen to call their CP husband/wife as a way of emphasising that they consider the relationship to be equal to marriage despite what other people may think.

I agree with you, marriedinwhite - I was wondering whether a gay man would have got the same lecture from the nurse if he had wanted his husband referred to as such.

Every time I take my kids to the A&E, they ask me if they have a social worker. Should I be offended?

Surely it's obvious why they don't have to ask these questions when you go privately, marriedinwhite?

They have never ever asked me that at a&e crowler and we have been far too often. They usually say "hello Mrs Inwhite" what has he done this time - same address? You know the way?

your husband is your partner. Or should be.

You are offended because you are ranking the too.

yabu

*two!

Why on earth should it be obvious when one pays crowler but not if one doesn't? On the basis of what has been written on this thread that's more than absurd. You are actually saying that rich people have more stable lives and relationships and are unlikely to have any children with different fathers than poor people. If I had said that I'd have been flamed in spades.

More likely to be I think due to the fact that if staff are rude to clients the bill tends not to be paid.

I think it's the fact they can afford to spend more time with you and that you are seen as a "customer" as well as a patient MIW

I think I can want to be called dh's wife, and still have just as much respect for other sorts of marriage/partnerships/families. It really doesn't have to be some sort of declaring one better and all the others worse - it can just be a matter of personal preference, nothing more - it truly can.

I know it was a few years ago but I don't remember being asked any of those (planned, same father, do I want it) questions by any midwife

This thread is awfully revealing isn't it.

OP you shouldn't have stormed out but the nurse should have picked up on you correcting partner to husband and adapted. It isn't that complex a change.

Fine to start out with partner - it is a good catch all but if a patient then corrects to husband, wife, boyfriend etc then the nurse should mirror the patient and use the same term. It builds rapport and creates a better conversation which is important when asking important questions.

Why do they not need to ask whether you're Mrs or Ms Crowler when you go privately? I suppose for the same reason that when you're at a super-expensive hotel they tend to remember which cocktail you've ordered last night. They just know.

So. When you go to a NHS A&E they do NOT ask you if you have a social worker? They say Hi, Mrs MarriedInWhite? Really?

Sorry, did not want to read 10 pages on this topic, but unless any new information has come to light between pages 2-9 you were BVVVU and silly. Get over yourself!

I like to be referred to as Ms, but plenty of people call me Miss or even Mrs, and it doesn't bother me. We're not close intimates, they don't need to learn my personal preferences for the very short amount of time they will be dealing with me. Same with you. The nurse probably sees dozens of new people a day, and has more important things to think about than how they like their other halves to be referred to.

I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner some people seem to find this patronising. I understand where they are coming from but surely it just the OP trying to express in words what she actually experienced. Which can be hard even for the most seasoned writer.

I.e. - it differentiates from "I aggressively and rudely demanded that she fucking refered to my OH as my husband or else"
OP expressed her preference politely. How else, O great writers, was she meant to express this distinction in words.

JEEZ! Projecting or what?

But as polite as she was redshifter she actually terminated her appointment because of it! She couldn't have been all that calm and collected, or she would have made her point then carried on with the appointment regardless of what terminology the nurse used. But she got up and left which sounds like she had a temper tantrum!

I've never been asked if I have a social worker when I take any of the children to A and E either

Just remembered my health visitor asked me if I'd had any experience of domestic violence. I will immediately sue the NHS for my offence / distress at being asked such a question.

Or, you know, move on with my life.

I do think there is a problem with some (not all) nurses assuming that patients should all be happy to be treated in the same politically correct way and, as patients are all different people with different preferences, that is not likely to be right. It is just as patronising to assume everyone is happy with partner as it is to assume everyone would be happy with husband or wife. Surely it would not be hard to ask the patient and go with that.

My mother is in her 80s and hates it when a nurse who is "a slip of a girl" as she sees it calls her by her first name repeatedly without asking when they first meet. She is of the generation who used Mrs Viper until they felt comfortable going onto first names yet some nurses assume that it is ok to jump straight to first names with elderly patients.

The key is respect on all sides.