To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

Yes, I agree with you there married
It's similar to how some people might like to be called Mrs Bloggs and others Belinda. People could just be asked which they'd prefer/ how they'd like to be addressed.
But I can see it could be easier to use a term like partner for all than ask people if their next of kin was their partner or husband? Perhaps if people filled in a form it would be less embarrassing ?
eg Next of kin ?
Relationship ?
Then use the word they choose

YABU. And a bit precious.

I don't understand the vitriol for the NHS. I've had some bad experiences (I'm thinking of the receptionist at my GP) - and I've had some great experiences. Much like I have at (for example) Tesco.

I don't understand the vitriol for the NHS

Me neither Crowler...I think it's what's called an agenda!

If a patient requests a certain form of address you do it. It's just basic politeness exactly

I have been admitted to 3 different hospitals many times over the last few years, each time I have been asked hownI would like to be addressed. And each time ask who is my NOK, not "contact"

To most people these days marriage doesn't have an 'exalted status' but to a lot of people it still does. Like my 85 year old DM, she finds it upsetting if people refer to her husband who she married 68 years ago as her 'partner'. It matters too her. I agree it shouldn't matter, but I think people should understand. She grew up in a different world really.
Or like my neighbours who have a different cultural heritage to me. It matters to them.
Or like my in-laws who have religious beliefs which I find ridiculous and repulsive. But it matters to them.

Why should we offend these people even if we find their ideas outdated, silly or delusional. What's the point? Just be polite and respectful.
I think the intention of the hospitals policy was to avoid offending people. And rightly so. But it doesn't seem to be working if not carried out without common sense and common courtesy.

Hospital doesn't want to offend someone by using the term husband/wife in case they are not married etc. But then can offend people that are married by not using the correct and prefered term.

I wouldn't be offended if someone called my girlfriend my wife, would anyone? If as many people have posted, the terms used to describe your OH doesn't matter because it is trivial and HCPs have more important things to think about, then why have the policy of using the word partner at all? Let them call our OHs what they like.
After all patients would be being "smug" or "precious" or "ridiculous" or "unreasonable" if it offended them.

Staffs !

Look at all the 'end of's on here!
It really doesn't help an argument to say that, you know.

Why is referring to Staffordshire which was an example of systematic cover ups of poor practice callous. What happened happened and action needs to be taken to stop it happening. The attitude that seems to be thread through today's NHS of "we do it this way because we are told to so we have to even though we know it isn't right" is totally wrong. Just as it is wrong to make a patient feel cross and unhappy when they have done nothing wrong. Just as it is wrong not to have sufficient respect for a patient to call the partner to whom they are married their husband if that is what the patient feels will make them feel comfortable and confident in the care and service they receive.

Personally I think all patients and all people deserve better care and more respect than the NHS is presently providing

As a cancer patient I spend an inordinate amount of time in NHS hospitals and clinics and have done for 5 years now.
I have had exemplary care and respect from every single person I have encountered.
Nothing gets on my tits more that NHS bashing.

I said a midwife questioning the fatherhood of my unborn son (who died at 27 weeks) in my home was insubordinate. Actually she was unspeakably rude and disrespectful not least to my son

marriedinwhite whilst I have tremendous sympathy for the loss of your DS (having suffered a similar devastating loss myself), I cannot agree that the midwife was disrespectful. They would have been disrespectful of you and all their other clients if they had just looked at you, your home, your marital status and made a value judgement based on your appearance only.

As an HCP we are trained not to make assumptions which is why she was perfectly correct in asking the question and not apologising for doing so. I'm sorry if this misapprehension added to your grief.

than not that

harticus Hope things are getting better for you.

Sauvignonblanche. If it is a question that needs asking, don't you think it would be better for the booking visit to take place in a clinical setting? It was not my idea to have it in my home but I was told that meeting women in their homes helps midwives get to know them better. I would not have been as hurt by that question had the appointment not been in my home and where the midwife would not have been surrounded by all the personal aspects of my family's life. In that setting I disagree, I think she could have couched the question much more sensitively.

Redshifter you say "I wouldn't be offended if someone called my girlfriend my wife, would anyone?"

But suppose they called her your husband?

It's no longer possible to look at someone and be sure of their gender and they can't know your sexual preference. Much better all round to use a neutral term. The people who know you will know how to refer to you.

Thank you Crowler.

Hang on. So the new-baby visitation rotation should be moved from home to NHS clinics, because... you're offended by your health visitor not recognizing your marital artifacts?

married, seriously, what exactly is it about your home that screams "married woman resides here"? Do those living over the brush, as it were, not have homes of the same standard?

Crowler nobody has ever discussed a new baby visit or a health visitor. Read the posts please.

I can see where you are coming from married, but if the HCP went to a council flat, to see a single mother who had children of assorted colours should they apologise for asking the question?

We shouldn't ascribe value judgments to our patients whilst respecting their individuality - not always an easy task!

I repeat, I'm sorry for the way that made you feel.

Well floggingmolly it's those little things, like being called Mrs, like wearing a wedding ring, like having wedding photos up, like having a picture of you, your dh and your first baby in christening robe (and actually Mnet uses the term dh - short for dear husband as well as dp - perhaps that could be banned on behalf of the membership). It really isn't rocket science you know and in my home I expect to be respected for who I am and in my case that was a married woman desperately trying to produce as many planned and wanted children as possible. It would have been nice had that been acknowledged. What I remember are the "is it planned", "do you want it", type questions.

It;s about being sensitive to and acknowledging that patients are different isn't it sauvignon? You wouldn't speak to a full on confident child in the same way you would speak to a very scared and anxious child - would you?

marriedinwhiteisback now you're sounding like you should have been accorded special status because you were doing it 'properly'. 'not like some people'. Sorry if I'm misreading that.

I got asked at my booking appt (as I'm sure everybody is) whether the father was a blood relative. should I have been offended? stormed out?

I believe that how you say things is more important than what you say but whilst to you it is obvious if the baby is planned, the HCP is checking such things as whether you're a victim of DV within a respectable marriage.

I see no-one is going to answer my question about same-sex couples who might want their partner referred to as their wife/husband. Ohh well - back to the biscuits and Strictly!