To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

It wasn't actually being called into question though, married, can't you see that?
It was a standard question on a standard form. Nothing personal about it.

Marriedinwhite, I would never use a first name without permission.

I do not expect the fatherhood of my children to be questioned in my own home and without an apology being tendered.

But from what you said iirc, she was asking you in that pesky little insubordinate way of hers about their paternity for healthcare reasons, and would have been behaving negligently if she had just assumed that they were full siblings. It was about her doing her job properly, not about judging your morals in your home or out of it, about which I am sure she doesn't give any more of flying fuck than I do

Oh and what are my other narratives then crowler? This is a public forum is it not where different people have a right to air different views. If you have an issue with that I suggest you don't participate in them. This isn't the first time you have been rude to me in a personal way rather than choosing a point of argument being made. Can you really not argue without descending into that state of bullishness?

Raffles I'm fairly traditional myself but that's quite separate from the pragmatism of using the word "partner" in this context.

However, I expect hcp's to call me Mrs and from the point of that booking appointment I have absolutely insisted on it because I will never be put in that situation every again by a right on little so and so who thinks she can be insensitive.

Gosh what a charmer you are! By the way, there's no apostrophe in hcps. Yes, totally irrelevant and uncalled for but I will not have a self important and congratulatory woman using apostrophes wrongly just because she thinks she can.

And all this is a fabulous demonstration of just why I keep refusing Mr Inferior's repeated offers to commit matrimony....

marriedinwhite I'm sure you know what your other narratives are and how is my post any ruder than you suggesting that heath visitors are "insubordinate" by referring to your husband as your partner?

It's just how they are trained. You need to get a grip.

The only other time I ever recall being "rude" to you by the way, is when you referred to Victoria Beckham "common". Now that's not rude, is it?

Can you really not argue without descending into that state of bullishness?

Pot, kettle, black much?

I agree that you are probably B a bit U but it wouldn't have killed her to try during that conversation to call him your husband.
But then I had an entire conversation with my dd in my lap where the healthcare provider called her 'her' once and 'him' for the rest of the conversation. Luckily it made no difference to the treatment!
I do wonder why the word partner has to take preference over husband.

"the midwife questioned my respectability, questioned the status of my marriage and the stability afforded to my first child"

In effect, Mrs Inwhite, what you are implying is that unmarried mothers are not respectable, no? In 2013. Bless your little heart.

And yes, Raffles, I understand the generational gap, but at the same time you also know that things have changed dramatically and that questioning's someone's marital status does not mean you are questioning their morals.

You can't please all the people, I would be highly upset if a health official apologised for asking me about the fatherhood of my children and implying that my answer wasn't as good as having the same one. It is a standard question. It needed 'yes'.

Crowler I don't believe I have referred to a health visitor on this thread. And I don't believe I said a health visitor was insubordinate by referring to my husband as my partner. I said a midwife questioning the fatherhood of my unborn son (who died at 27 weeks) in my home was insubordinate. Actually she was unspeakably rude and disrespectful not least to my son with whom my husband and I were able only to spend a few hours.

Beccagain I expect anybody employed by the NHS to address me as an equal and for as long as anybody in the NHS thinks they can address me by my first name whilst addressing a doctor and doctor someone then I shall dig in my heels.

only read the op

But crikey, you were looking to find offence imo. Are you worried about the impending surgery?

Well as my children are now almost 19 and 15 I don't think I'm referring to something that happened to me in 2013. I suspect it is entirely generational.

Being rude, not treating as equal is entirely different from asking a standard question on a form.

I do not expect the fatherhood of my children to be questioned in my own home and without an apology being tendered.

Briliant.

Mr. Andro may have been confused because his other lover partner doesn't give him has next of kin and doesn't have his home number. Bless him, he sounds a catch.

My youngest is 20, it was 'partner' by then. It is the norm. My eldest is over 30 and then 'husband' was the norm. It really doesn't matter!

I'm married but prefer the word partner as I find it more equal.

I'd say YANBU to use the word husband yourself but YABU to expect everyone else to do so as well regarding your relationship.

• Especially in this situation which though 1-2-1 did have a generic aspect - that is they explained they want to take a consistent approach to everyone and have chosen an approach they think is best suited to the situation

Right, so 15 years ago unmarried mothers were not respectable?

Beccagain I expect anybody employed by the NHS to address me as an equal and for as long as anybody in the NHS thinks they can address me by my first name whilst addressing a doctor and doctor someone then I shall dig in my heels

Au contraire: it somehow comes across that you expect them to tug their forelocks.

You know of all the many many things I worry about, the price of cheese, the zit on my chin,all the injustices in the world, man's inhumanity to man etc, this one has never made it onto the list. Come to think of it, though, every HCP I have ever met has always introduced him/herself with their full name, no title, just the name and we take it from there, just as you would expect two mature equals to do. Perhaps they pick up that my attitude is that it's JUST a name, not a point of principle underpinning the very fabric of society.

Well as my children are now almost 19 and 15 I don't think I'm referring to something that happened to me in 2013. I suspect it is entirely generational

My children are 26 and 30 and I was hardly a teenage mother. What's your point?

Perhaps if all staff in the NHS treated all patients as individuals and with respect the sort of tragedies that have emerged in Staffordshire might not have happened. Personally I think all patients and all people deserve better care and more respect than the NHS is presently providing.

married - I had similar almost 10 years ago. When I did my booking in appointment with for my first, the midwife refused to use my new surname (we chose our own, he legally changed his first then I took that to make paperwork easier), refused to believe that he was faithful to me (seriously, I'd only asked if some blood tests were needed as I had had them earlier that year), then after he was born I had a postnatal midwife refuse to believe I was married and tried to get social services to come talk to me about my son (she actually lied to the both of us, told them I wanted to talk to them and told me that they wanted to talk to me).

Systematic valuing of people by following heterocisnorms causes a lot of people pain, even when it is the path for them. That's why challenging that system is important as would challenging studies that attempt to push such a hierarchy of lifestyles (even though the least deprived and most successful children in the latest Aussie study was the children of same-sex partners, that studies are funded to create a public perception of hierarchies should be challenged). Everyone should be able to be pleased and want to celebrate their lives, everyone is valuable and deserves to be treated with respect.

I love the person I married, we spend most of our time together (for most of our marriage it has been practically 24/7). He is my partner in everything. And in the 5 years that I've moved from calling him my husband to my partner, I'v'e never had anyone be confused as to my meaning nor has the lack of a gendered term ever caused problems. Others prefer other terms, but it doesn't devalue my relationship nor theirs for me to use partner and for others to use their preferred terms. I find it odd the repeated idea through this thread that only unmarried or same-sex couples would use a neutral term, many married people use it as well.

Your husband is your partner. It's an umbrella term, not an insult.

Personally I think all patients and all people deserve better care and more respect than the NHS is presently providing

You may be right...perhaps if it weren't being cynically and systematically dismantled by the coalition that might happen.

But's a whole other thread and whatever, your callous reference to Stffs NHS is totally out of line imho.