To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

BramblyHedge - I know that anyone can be next of kin, up until I married my father was my NOK, I changed that when I married. In the post you're referring to, all I did was state as fact that my now DH was not my NOK before we married.

By definition "kin" is blood-line.

Well, that's just it Brian. Op didn't stay in the room. She flounced off in a diva like strop without waiting to see whether her gentle, polite explanation had made any difference.

Ok. Phone call to me "amandaclarke. Your partner has been injured and we need you to make a life and death decision for him"
Me: "sorry. I don't have a pertner, on.y a husband. You must have the wrong number"
LOL.

It is indeed a simple fact, andro, but you're being disingenuous to suggest you didn't intend to imply something very different.

Floggingmolly, can I please ask that you refer to her as Mrs.Op. You are insubordinate.

I do not think you were BU - you made clear your preference, she should have accepted that. PC rubbish!

must be pretty embarrassing to be in an emergency situation and your partner/ dh suddenly has no idea of who you are lol

either that or they put terminology before your LIFE...

I need a drink for this thread

So my mother always told me, Mrs Crowler

YANBU. I cannot stand it when people refer to my husband as my partner. He is not. I married him, he is my husband, end of. I also wouldn't be best pleased if somebody kept referring to ME as his partner. I'm not, I'm his wife. I don't pick up on it when people use the word spouse, but I won't have anybody using the word partner when they are talking about my marriage. And no, I didn't spend a lot of money on my wedding, I'm just old fashioned I guess (and proud of it).

Well I recall an appointment in my home more than 16 years ago. In my eyes the midwife questioned my respectability, questioned the status of my marriage and the stability afforded to my first child and I found that unspeakably rude at what should have been a formative point in an important relationship. Being pleased to be married and to celebrate and applaud it isn't smug it's entirely normal and I believe research shows that children from relationships where the parents are actually married tend to be less deprived and more successful that children from relationships where the parents aren't married but that of course is a different thread.

However, I expect hcp's to call me Mrs and from the point of that booking appointment I have absolutely insisted on it because I will never be put in that situation every again by a right on little so and so who thinks she can be insensitive.

Don't some same-sex married couples refer to their partner as their wife/husband? I wonder if the nurse would have delivered the same patronising lecture if the OP had been a man, wanting his partner referred to as his husband?

Regardless, it would have been very easy for her to have been flexible, thus ensuring the OP got the information she needed - she put rules above the. Reds of an actual person - that cannot be right, can it?

Calling her smug is rude too - play the ball, not the player (ie. engage with the topic, don't descend to name calling, even mild names).

Floggingmolly - It was a statement of fact, nothing more.

must be pretty embarrassing to be in an emergency situation and your partner/ dh suddenly has no idea of who you are lol

Not embarrassing for me, I was unconscious and didn't find out about it for 3 days.

But Ssimtee, I raise the point again....why wouldn't you consider your husband your partner? I would hate to be married to someone who wasn't my partner.

Being married is nice and all that, but it's no better than being in a happy loving relationship with no piece of paper or ring, or being a single parent doing everything yourself. I don't understand why people seem to think that marriage has an elevated status. It really doesn't.

It's not like I look at my married friends and think "ooh you're married. You're a much better person than you were before and I respect you so much more now".

This is actually a rather maddening yet hilarious thread.

I couldn't be married to someone so pedantic they are prepared to let me die rather than use the wrong word!

It all reflects an entirely different society.
Partner is the default because a husband is a partner but a partner is not necessarily a husband.

I don't know why people get so upset by these things.

I don't understand why people seem to think that marriage has an elevated status. It really doesn't.

We live in a multicultural society, different cultures have different views.

Well, you know those signs in hospitals that say "patients and their carers are reminded to treat our staff with respect" - it cuts both ways - most especially when one makes a mental note that the staff who want to use my first name tend to call the doctor I am seeing doctor something. Now I am not less important than the doctor. I remember once sitting on a couch and a GP I hadn't met before said come on now married up you get and get the booby out (I had mastitis). I said "oh, I didn't catch your name" he said "Dr Jones dear" and in a rather patronising manner. So I said "in that case I think it's Mrs Inwhite, don't you". He went red and muttered and apologised and said "it's Neil please". As I have already said it's all about the insubordination of the patient and I think it's a rather unpleasant passive aggressive sort of attitude that has pervaded the NHS and that is why when I deal with its staff I am Mrs Inwhite - end of.

Insubordinate HCPs - I've heard it all now!

I trained as a nurse 25 years ago and, do you know what - things have changed. In both the electronic patient record and the written patient pathway at my Trust the only option given in the relationship section is partner.

I've corrected someone because they were annoying me once but it wouldn't occur to me to correct this in this setting.

All this NOK nonsense is ridiculous, the hospital will ask for a contact person, you could nominate your next door neighbour's cousin.

Mr Andro sounds like a knob.

The midwife questioned my respectability and the stability afforded to my first child. Jesus, marriedinwhite. the user name says it all, I guess are you always that sensitive????

I think that is rather different, married, than asking you a straight forward question about the baby's father.

marriedinwhite, you seem to have only four or five narratives that you regurgitate on rotation here one MN. On this particular thread, it seems you've chosen a combination of "the NHS/bureaucrats are inept" and "I'm singlehandedly maintaining civility in England".

I do not expect the fatherhood of my children to be questioned in my own home and without an apology being tendered.

I have always been told (NHS) that if a patient requests a particular form of address you use it.

I don't care whether that is a man asking to be called Mrs Mary Sugden, someone requesting their partner is referred to as their 'significant life partner', a woman who insists she's a baroness, someone who wants their husband called that or someone who wants to be called Purple Flippin' People Eater.

If a patient requests a certain form of address you do it. It's just basic politeness.

Such an apology would imply a value judgement that would be absolutely inappropriate for an HCP.